Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

[AJM]

WH, you're daughter is trying to rationalize and internalize what she sees and feels. She knows something is not right, but she doesn't know what to do about it. Like a child, right? This is important - you are her role model. How you treat others (H included) is how she will treat others.

As for the rest of the posts - if being detached and happy and successful and not giving a thought to the OW and H gives them grief.... then that's for them to deal with. But in itself, that is not a reason to be nice or compassionate to them. Be those things because you are that kind of person. That kind of person who wants to show their children how to live and not to be an angry, bitter mess of a person. The kind of person that shows how to treat others well, even when they don't treat you well. The kind of person that returns anger with kindness and compassion.
The kind of person that cares what their children see them do and how they act.

Be that kind of parent. The rest will or won't take care of itself - but it really won't matter in the scheme of things

Glad to hear Easter went pretty well. Hope April Fool's day brings you joy and laughter....

AJ

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks AJ. I could have used your thoughts on what to make for Easter breakfast but I think I did okay. ; )

You know, lately I feel strangely at peace. I've given this whole sitch up to God and tried to do some real soul searching about who I am and what I want to be. Can I be "me" with H? Good question because I don't think I've been the real me for years. Like for instance the past few years I've turned into a clean freak. One to make sure my kids grow up in a clean environment but two because I think I was proving to myself that I could do it. I was always accused of being a slob by my friends and family. Now I know I can do it but I don't need to go to such extremes. When I think about how much time and energy I put into making my house clean and practically sterile I just shake my head. All that time and energy I should have put into spending time with my kids and watching them grow. Never again. Ever!! I am re-evaluating my priorities.

S has a friend and the friends little brother over. D is downstairs with them while I make cookies. I love these times. I always wished I could be a stay St home mom but pretended I didnt want to be because H would not hear of it. He said it wasn't fair for him to work all day while I stayed home eating Bon bons. Yes, because raising children is that easy. So I always burnt the candle at both ends and worked and raised my children. I hold no anger about it but I do often wish I could go back. But it is what it is.

So trying to roll with the changes. Kinda like que sera sera...you know the rest.

WH

[mizjjd]

Can I be "me" with H? Good question because I don't think I've been the real me for years.

I am experiencing some of this too. Seems I spent the last 20 years trying to be someone I'm not - someone I thought H wanted me to be. Since the bomb I've given that up but H now thinks "I" behave strangely. I think its because he isn't accustomed to seeing me "out of the box". But I do sometimes find myself wondering just who Mizj IS, because I haven't been her for so long.

Inch by inch I guess we'll figure it out.

[wishing, hoping]

I guess we will never be the people we once were and I think that's a good thing. Kinda like thanking God we never have to go through adolescence again. At least I do. Once was enough. Learned that lesson...moving on.

I want to be more daring and bold. I think before I had kids I was more devil may care and that's what my friends liked about me. But I have kids now and have other things to worry about. So not so easy to be "daring". But I guess "daring" doesn't have to be "reckless".

H used to tell me I was boring and no fun. This from a man who falls asleep in the recliner every night at 7:00. I told him we were married with children and we had other priorities and commitments. I guess I had signs before BD. But I spent my twenties Sowing wild oats and I got it out of my system. Perhaps H never did.

Lots to consider.
WH

[AJM]

While you're considering:
Being daring and being "caring" are not always counter to each other. I doubt seriously you were anything you didn't want to be. You just had other priorities. You still have other priorities, but, um, at least one less, right? You're still you. You seem to be learning that other people's opinions are, well, opinions. They aren't wrong or right necessarily, just opinions and how they perceive what they see based on their perspective and history. That doesn't make it holistically true. But as with anything, there may be a grain of truth in there. And that's not a bad thing either.

Am I boring? To some, I may be. That's their issue to deal with. I make no apologies.

In the case of my ex, she accused me of many things. Still does. When I valued her opinion, I took it personally and as a challenge to become more than I was. I don't view that as a bad thing per se. Did I change? Of course. I was part of a union of two people. Losing her was like losing an arm, albeit an unhealthy one as it turns out. But we were that close. And honestly, I don't regret that time nor effort. We both worked to keep our relationship close and to make it work. I didn't tell me ex that she had to work. I didn't tell her she had to stay at home. I had a preference, and I made that clear, but it was not an ultimatum. No did I bad-mouth her decisions. She didn't like all of mine, and I am ok with that. I'm me. I made decisions based on my family and my priorities - God, family, country, corps (keeps it simple right?)

I spent a lot of time going over the accusations. In the end, one at a time because I couldn't go over them all at once. Some of them were just us getting along as a couple. Many of them were her re-remembering our past together. Some of them needed changes when I was honest with myself. Sort, evaluate, adjust, repeat.

Self evaluation is part, and in my opinion one of the best parts, of the "gift of goodbye" that I received. Was it what I asked for? No. Was it what I wanted? No. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. Were we unevenly matched? No. Was there anything else? Again no. This was all a result of something she needs to do on her own. Her anger. Her problems. Her hidden "things" to deal with.

But it took a long time to go through those things. Fortunately, I started early in this process. I see that now. I hope you take this opportunity to re-evaluate and figure out what was real and what was not. What you gave (willingly) and what you should not have (maybe). Not for anyone's sake but yours. For your future. For your peace and your joy. Those are coming. That peace and joy will be restored to you, have no doubt. But there's work to be done evaluating these things and "knowing" which is real and which is an expression of your pain and which is just the rambling of somebody who has some issues of their own to deal with. Somebody who (perhaps unknowingly) gave you one of the greatest gifts (or maybe three; kids are a real gift aren't they?) you may ever get. A gift that will free you to have more joy and appreciation for your gifts than you ever thought possible. No matter what comes your way.

I for one, am very thankful for the experience. Now. It was a long winter season getting there and worth every bit

I doubt very seriously you are boring and no fun. I doubt you are incapable of doing whatever you want in life. I doubt seriously you will be unhappy for long. My wish for you is that you know God's peace and joy, even in the midst of life's storms. I honestly think you are one of those that will more fully than many. Certainly more fully and longer than your H. I hate that for him, and feel sorry for him in some ways. His choice with how he deals with his issues, but you at least are free to be at peace. You'll see even more of that in the coming months and years. Distance will help tremendously if my experience is anything to go by. But I also have a feeling that won't matter for you for very long Evaluate, forgive and move forward. You'll be glad you did.

Peace,
AJ

[wishing, hoping]

AJ its always a pleasure to read your posts.

Part of H's family thinks I'm boring because I don't want to belly up to the bar on a Saturday night. They don't understand why I would rather sit home and eat popcorn and watch Disney movies with the kids. They don't understand why we can't just drop everything at the drop of a hat and meet them for dinner and drinks? Just leave the kids and they will be fine. Sure. H and I had many, many discussions about this and I thought we were on the same page about it. Maybe I was wrong. But my opinions and beliefs haven't changed. I have no regrets.

Another person's opinion of you sometimes depends on whether or not you are helping them reach their agenda. If you go along with them they like you and you're fun and thoughtful. If you make them uncomfortable and cause them to question their lifestyle them you are materialistic and "stuck-up". Fine. Like you said AJ one person's opinion of me doesn't make it true. These same people think OW is wonderful and considerate and thoughtful. Hmmm...perhaps she is just accommodating. And if they prefer her company to mine then I just say good riddance to bad garbage.

And by saying this I am not trying to be conceited or holier than thou. I'm just not letting other define who I am or who I want to be. At BD H gave me a laundry list of items that he disliked about me. One being that I was the reason his family wanted nothing to do with us. Not so much as I found out in later months when certain members of the family told me they were sick of H's lies and excuses and his tendency to brag about his job or his house. I found out even later that he pushed many friends away with these behaviors as well. And all this time he said it was me and my behaviors that people didn't like or understand. Talk about projection.

You are right AJ. I will be at such a better place than H. I already am. I just need to keep focusing on these strengths and putting the negative behind me.

Help me remember this when I have a down moment again would ya?

WH

[SemperFi00]

I made decisions based on my family and my priorities - God, family, country, corps (keeps it simple right?)
Peace,
AJ

Love the priorities. Amazing how miltary wisdom can be so succinct. Semper Fi!

WH, reading your story and progress is inspirational! Keep up the good work........

[wishing, hoping]

WH, reading your story and progress is inspirational! Keep up the good work........

OMG you are gonna make me cry!!! : ) I really feel like I have come so far. I really feel like the tide is turning. I mean, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am really starting to feel like I will be okay. It took a while, but it's coming. One moment at a time.

A year ago I was at the end of my rope. I thought I would be out of my house and destitute and my kids would lose their home. A lot has happened in a year. I am no where near what I imagined I would be. Who knows what another year will bring?

Tomorrow begins H's new "Reign of Terror". I am wondering how things will go? Will he go back to being an absolute beast to me or will be back off and let things happen naturally? I have plans for the next few days but like I told my attorney that is my house too and I cannot be gone all the time. And I am NOT getting a SO just to have a place to crash.

I am so lucky to have great resources. Thanks to everyone on this board!!!

[AJM]

Yep, amazing how some simple wisdom can come from one of the two oldest professions. I never worked in the other, so not sure if there is much to glean from that one (that should make you smile, WH; it's humour)

A year ago I was at the end of my rope. I thought I would be out of my house and destitute and my kids would lose their home. A lot has happened in a year. I am no where near what I imagined I would be. Who knows what another year will bring?

So, um, if you were to stop and reflect on something, would this be it? Would you look at this and think, "gee, all that worrying and I was wrong and things are not AS bad as I thought they would be?" Would you use this as a way to let the worry go and admit you can only face what comes at you and not what you can dream up that "might" happen?

Just curious

Peace,
AJ

[wishing, hoping]

AJ you always make me smile. : )

Yes, I am a worry-wort. I always have been and it's one of those things I am trying to 180 you know? Easier said than done. But what's the old saying? An ounce of preventative is worth a pound of cure? My mom was always worrying and panicking and assuming the worst. I don't want to be like that, but it's kind of in my blood. But on the same token that line of thinking gives me a "victim" mentality and I am not nor do I want to be a victim. That renders me "helpless" and I refuse to be "helpless".

I am more annoyed about all the energy and time I lost worrying about what I had no control over. I'm learning to let Jesus take the wheel. Not easy when you're a control freak, but I am redefining what I can and cannot control.

Ahh yes, the sun is shining again and spring is in the air. Peace is just around the corner, but how far is it to the corner? LOL!

WH