It might even be possible that H won't put words to it but doesn't feel right about how he is with me and the kids and has removed himself from the equation FOR us. It would be as good a guess as any if I hadn't been accusing him all this time of lacking empathy.
I don't know, Bug. If H is abusive then I shouldn't allow the kids to be with him, should I? But don't they need their dad? And if I've been there all along and am not quite sure what I've observed, how could a judge possibly decide? And I can't even imagine trying to get along with H after telling all this stuff to prevent him seeing his boys.
I'm really glad to have my IC to bring these worries to and get advice. She's been really encouraging that I can turn this around for my boys by being a different example, by giving them words and empowering them to express themselves.
I see lots of dads here getting squeezed out of their kids' lives at least partially, and saying they've been really awesome dads. I think my H would say he's been a really awesome dad.
My dad now is a really awesome dad. yeah they used corporal punishment and somehow didn't perceive what we really needed from them. But my dad taught me all about integrity, business, ethics, we share a lot of interests in spy novels coffee and potato chips, he's a really really good guy. Just had some faults as a parent of minor children, and not as many faults as some.
I cannot control my H. I cannot make him be a way that he is not, I can't make him believe he's abusive or harmful, and I can't make him change how he interacts with the kids. I can't fix their relationship. I can't tell him how to be a better dad. I can control how I will be treated by him, by speaking up and by enforcing my boundaries. I can teach my kids to do the same. But I can't see that how he is is so bad that I need to remove him from their lives. I have told him what I think is right and he just doesn't agree. I have asked for a referee and he doesn't think it's necessary and won't find the time. I did get him to go to an IC session with the kids, but he thought it was about getting them to be respectful of each other, didn't know it was about him.
I do often wish our marriage had fallen apart 10 years ago. Oh well. I have to go forward from here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
