Wow, thanks Ruby. I really do believe I do try to take the time to look at all the sides. There is so little that looks black and white to me anymore, it's all confusing.
I think it's kind of funny that the path I struggle so much to find and stay on is just simply laid out by my WAH. I didn't choose it and wasn't about to, and fight it like crazy, and find myself on it anyway.
I'm feeling these past couple of days though, like I'm packing up the broom and not so much interested in sweeping and keeping that road home paved.
I look at the course I've taken, and the advice that goes out to newbies, and I think I've really not done a very good job of DBing. I worked really hard at learning to stop reacting, stop being passive aggressive, contain my reality and express myself in moderation, understand different viewpoints and learn empathy for my H. I am still practically the exact same person at the stuff that really bothered him, saying I'm going to the gym and still being on the internet 2 hours later is still par for the course, I still get to the dog poop in the yard only about every two or three weeks and find excuses like it's winter or there's snow or I did it last week and I'm busy. I'm still not great at making the kids do chores. I'm not really that different. I wear makeup a lot more regularly, but I still don't like to dress up or fuss with my hair. I work out a lot more in my imagination than in reality. I'm just not a woman only a fool would leave, in my husband's book. I don't even really feel like being that, to him. I'm happier, I'm more real, I work harder at relationships I want to work harder at, I'm not willing to accept scraps of attention and affection, I'm pretty cool with having my house and kids and dogs and no H. I never even tried to withdraw from H and measure the results, or pursue a little and see how he'd respond, or try touch (ok once) or make lots of eye contact and look interested in him. I aced detaching and giving space and not pursuing and didn't find anything that would draw him closer. Now I just feel like eventually dotting the i's and closing the book on this marriage, but not in a hurry to do that either.
If watching my parents get old and sick has done anything it's taught me that it's wrong to wait for some perfect set-up in order to be happy. It's not going to happen, or some other hurdle will come along, or what you thought would doesn't create happiness. Why wait. If I wait until my mom's not being treated for cancer or my marriage is better or my kids behave or work is easy, I'll be waiting too long. I used to think I was happy if I just ignored the bad, but now that I'm muscling right through the bad stuff I find there's happiness just available in it, like the mica bits in a sidewalk, and you have to look carefully.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
