GWN: Why I have trouble with feelings... It did not occur to me that one little event in my early childhood caused that. My sisters and I believe it's more our family dynamic, old New England stiff upper lip. Old-style parenting where children should be seen and not heard. A fair amount of codependence, where our behavior could MAKE our parents feel proud, sad, angry, ashamed, or happy. My sister used to feel she had to look pretty so Mom would be happy. I didn't feel that way. My other sister said she buried her feelings because she was pretty sure her feelings were irrelevant, no one was interested in her feelings. I felt like I was expected to get good grades, behave, whatever, because my parents insisted on it. It had nothing to do with me or what I wanted. So I became oppositional...I felt my power in denying my parents what they wanted, and I pushed the envelope. I felt power in getting average grades and acing tests and getting my picture for national merit but skipping class and forging passes. I felt power in going to a good college and partying, power in leaving the country, hitchhiking and sleeping in train stations and falling in love with boys and buying my own car and making my own way. I felt power in not asking for help from anyone and being independent of my parents (somewhat). They objected to my relationship with H, first because they guessed incorrectly at his religious background and then because they didn't like his ethnic/racial background and then because they thought he should "poop or get off the pot" isn't that nice? Maybe they said fish or cut bait. Anyway I fought them tooth and nail over my ability to make my own decisions and I felt power in that. And we showed them for a pretty long time. He was the favorite son in law, through attrition, for a while. I was happy with him, we had adorable kids, he provided a great life. I really cannot say that being molested impacted me nearly as much as being emotionally distant from my parents did.
I suppose that is what I've been trying to undo all along through my empathy for my boys. I think, even if I haven't been a perfect mom, I've been really really good at nurturing emotionally competent boys.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
