Life, continued (22+ months)

[adinva]

Well, I'm still not convinced. I really think if I stood up in public and called my H abusive he would be outraged and appalled. How many of us were belittled by our Hs or Ws and how many of us would call that abusive and tell you to get out? When do you know that you've worked hard enough at fixing things and you need to get out?

Also, I haven't felt powerless in a really long time, not since my teenage rebellion. I buried my feelings because they hurt me, and I was empowered. I didn't have to care and I could choose my route. I had pretty good relationships and I ended them for pretty good reasons and H seemed like a great husband for a long time and a pretty good husband all the rest of the time right up until BD. When the neighborhood ladies had their b!tch sessions about their husbands I couldn't participate...I thought my H was pretty good, better than me at splinters and bandaids, did all the laundry, handy and smart. Nothing is as black and white as it sometimes seems.

And I've got to say he never held me down, not even close. He just thought it was funny to tickle me to see me overreact. I won't describe some of his other undesirable mating rituals because I feel like I've maligned him enough for one day, but think goofy frat boy not rapist and you'll be more on target.

I believe there are families that stay together where the children are actually beaten. I got my share of a belt and my parents were married 60 years and counting. Some fathers call their kids stupid don't think they're joking. The point where people cut and run seems to me to call for broken bones and malicious intent. The rest of us work through our damage.

I'm sure if my H didn't bail on me I would have continued fighting him on the things I objected to, and I might have learned better techniques if I had ever gotten around to seeking counseling, and we might have made it through ok. I think my parents did a lot better with each other once they got all their kids up and out. I don't agree that divorce is the best choice in my sitch but staying without changing would have been a worse choice.

I just sat with him through another freezing lax game. He insisted on getting a blanket for us to sit on, and the rest of the time he said basically nothing. No thanks, to my offer to get him a hot drink. Fine, to my question of how his roomie is. His mom's interested in coming to the game Thursday and she'll stay overnight, so I asked him if he wanted to invite her to stay with him - he said no she can stay at the house. He did mention his roomie's son is visiting for spring break and they went to NYC. I asked if he was a sophomore or junior and was he looking at colleges yet, but H didn't know. That's about it.

I try not to push my information on him, because I think it's pursuing, so I wait for him to ask or express an interest which he doesn't. So I didn't mention the party or the beer or the ER or Easter or the chemo or the business trips I have coming up or anything else that I was thinking of saying to him. We just sat and watched the game.

Don't be sad for me, I'm no victim. I really wasn't that traumatized and I believed I handled it pretty effectively without having to tell anyone. Now that I know I didn't handle it all that effectively it's on my to-do list. I was able to grow up emotionally, mostly from having had kids, and I believe I've demonstrated quite a lot of strength and resilience. I was not molested more than once and not nearly to the degree that some people, or if you believe the statistics MOST people are. I was just a little kid so I didn't understand it, and my little-kid ideas about it never grew up, but I felt like I accommodated my handicap really well.

I do think someone who hasn't healed from something should be allowed to say NO, no I don't like the color pink, no I don't like being tickled, no I won't get in red cars. Whatever. They have a right. No one should tell them they need to get over it until they want to get over it. I took what my IC said with a grain of salt. I think it was my choice when to decide to get over my hangup about being tickled, but I think it's correct that someone who's been hurt needs to learn that not everyone is going to hurt them, not everyone is that guy. I think IC was technically correct, but not until I was ready to heal. Until then, IC should have been telling H he was wrong and pretty insensitive, idiotic, rude, and deserved a smackdown for not listening to what I was trying to tell him and for not acting like he cared how I felt. But, like I said, we were trying to get H to open up, and we couldn't very well start marriage counseling by ganging up on the one who was LEAVING.

H is not a bad guy. But he is not a nice guy either. I still see all kinds of opportunity for us, but not if he won't ever be willing to look inside and fix whatever's broken in him. Boo.