Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

[AJM]

While you're considering:
Being daring and being "caring" are not always counter to each other. I doubt seriously you were anything you didn't want to be. You just had other priorities. You still have other priorities, but, um, at least one less, right? You're still you. You seem to be learning that other people's opinions are, well, opinions. They aren't wrong or right necessarily, just opinions and how they perceive what they see based on their perspective and history. That doesn't make it holistically true. But as with anything, there may be a grain of truth in there. And that's not a bad thing either.

Am I boring? To some, I may be. That's their issue to deal with. I make no apologies.

In the case of my ex, she accused me of many things. Still does. When I valued her opinion, I took it personally and as a challenge to become more than I was. I don't view that as a bad thing per se. Did I change? Of course. I was part of a union of two people. Losing her was like losing an arm, albeit an unhealthy one as it turns out. But we were that close. And honestly, I don't regret that time nor effort. We both worked to keep our relationship close and to make it work. I didn't tell me ex that she had to work. I didn't tell her she had to stay at home. I had a preference, and I made that clear, but it was not an ultimatum. No did I bad-mouth her decisions. She didn't like all of mine, and I am ok with that. I'm me. I made decisions based on my family and my priorities - God, family, country, corps (keeps it simple right?)

I spent a lot of time going over the accusations. In the end, one at a time because I couldn't go over them all at once. Some of them were just us getting along as a couple. Many of them were her re-remembering our past together. Some of them needed changes when I was honest with myself. Sort, evaluate, adjust, repeat.

Self evaluation is part, and in my opinion one of the best parts, of the "gift of goodbye" that I received. Was it what I asked for? No. Was it what I wanted? No. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. Were we unevenly matched? No. Was there anything else? Again no. This was all a result of something she needs to do on her own. Her anger. Her problems. Her hidden "things" to deal with.

But it took a long time to go through those things. Fortunately, I started early in this process. I see that now. I hope you take this opportunity to re-evaluate and figure out what was real and what was not. What you gave (willingly) and what you should not have (maybe). Not for anyone's sake but yours. For your future. For your peace and your joy. Those are coming. That peace and joy will be restored to you, have no doubt. But there's work to be done evaluating these things and "knowing" which is real and which is an expression of your pain and which is just the rambling of somebody who has some issues of their own to deal with. Somebody who (perhaps unknowingly) gave you one of the greatest gifts (or maybe three; kids are a real gift aren't they?) you may ever get. A gift that will free you to have more joy and appreciation for your gifts than you ever thought possible. No matter what comes your way.

I for one, am very thankful for the experience. Now. It was a long winter season getting there and worth every bit

I doubt very seriously you are boring and no fun. I doubt you are incapable of doing whatever you want in life. I doubt seriously you will be unhappy for long. My wish for you is that you know God's peace and joy, even in the midst of life's storms. I honestly think you are one of those that will more fully than many. Certainly more fully and longer than your H. I hate that for him, and feel sorry for him in some ways. His choice with how he deals with his issues, but you at least are free to be at peace. You'll see even more of that in the coming months and years. Distance will help tremendously if my experience is anything to go by. But I also have a feeling that won't matter for you for very long Evaluate, forgive and move forward. You'll be glad you did.

Peace,
AJ