I recently learnt about the 5 love languages and it is clear to me that my wifes love languages are "acts of service"and words of affirmation"
Considering the situation we are in now where she does not really want to see too much of me, feels tremendous pressure about the marriage and has made up her mind to not continue our M and taken off her ring, Is there any point on speaking her love languages? Is it too late for that? Ask yourself if you actually believe you should "ignore" her love languages? IF & WHEN you get a chance, without maneurvering her into a position or controlling it, but when it arises naturally,
of course you ought to be more verbally affirming. Compliment her. Do it in a sincere way like I described above.
And of course you can be more accomodating as opportunities arise with the children...those are chances to do acts of service.
Are you trying to justify doing nothing new b/c "it's too late"
or are you confusing detachment with Not caring? They are not the same.
You must recall that you are changing...let her see it (But never point it out).
Or is it better to focus on my 180's and getting a PMA/ GAL instead?
"Instead"?
Why would you have to choose between ^^^^these?
Do them all. There is no conflict.
Just curious! Wth so many R strategies out there it gets confusing as to which to apply and how many of them to take on. At the moment my main strategies are 180's, GAL and detach.
GAL and detachment are primarily (not exclusively, but mostly) about self protection. THey are FOR YOU. They are not aimed at her, and she may not be aware of any of them.
The 180s are about becoming a better you. WIth or without her.
SOME of the 180s will also undermine her negative images of you and in that, you are trying to contrast those negative images with positives. But you also must treat her better (which sadly, is a 180).
Don't ignore her and be curt and tell yourself that is "detachment" B/C it's really just lousy treatment and more of the same negatives. Don't fuel her negative images of you.
Undermine her data so she realizes not so much that she was wrong about you but that her data about you is NOW OUT OF DATE b/c you are a changing man.
Be less predictable and be kinder, warmer, more loving around her.
But know that a man who is LOVING is not waiting around for HIS needs to be met as payback. Real love is giving...without expectation
Any help would be appreciated.
BELOW, is a piece on detachment that might help you.
LATER on, we can discuss a real "sack and ashes" apology from you, which I think is mandatory, but must be done right.
This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
