Thanks GWN. It is a struggle for me because I don't want to look at ugly things about me. I've never been a mama-bear kind of mom, and I don't always see threats for what they are, and when I think I do I back down with just a little justification or rationalization. I don't know where the correct level of response is. It's part of what I'm learning in this whole process, it's a feeling, and feelings are something I've buried, hidden, misrepresented, exaggerated or denied my whole life. It's a slippery thing to grasp a feeling, identify it and measure it and know what response is called for, how big or how small.
The idea that I allowed something bad to happen to my kids, or that I didn't see their dad as doing harm, is pretty hard to face, and all I want to say is, can you understand why? Maybe it's not that big of a deal? Maybe I responded right all along but not with enough conviction? Maybe I'm fixing things now? I don't like to be too hard on myself. But this was a very hard conversation for me in IC and I felt miserable to think I was so weak. I still kind of keeping coming back to, maybe we're all just overreacting.
So I asked my sister and she said it always bothered her too and she polled her male friends and found none of them who thought this was normal guy behavior. My sister has always been a LOT more delicate and sensitive than me or most anyone, so it's natural that she would be concerned, but I had no idea she was finding other guys' support that this was inappropriate way back. I don't know how much I would have listened to her, and I know I was already saying about as much as I could say to H, making a nag out of myself, so it probably doesn't make a difference now. I just didn't know she did that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
