My heart swings on a pendulum between my intellect and my emotions. I have allowed it to do so for the past week. I have waited patiently hearing the concerns and fears of the voices on each side. Listening in the the hopes that I would be left in the middle somewhere with a solid gameplan on who I wanted to be and what I wanted to say (should God allow the opportunity).
Intellectually - I know who I am and that I have changed. I took all the negatives x gave and turned my life around. I see the blessing of living a positive life. I see the benefits of acting out of love and kindess when others argue just anger. I know the leaps and bounds one can take when met with grace and compassion vs. self righteousness. And that relationships are about encouraging people to grow, instead of controlling/manipulating a situation so growth happens.
I know that I am forever changed. I know the change is for ME and me alone.
But my emotions are like a child. Hurt and Angry - they only care to express themselves with the hope and expectations that the party doing the hurting would not only acknowledge the pain caused, but take action to ensure it doesn't happen again.
A child communicates his emotions in the rawest of forms. There is never any doubt when he is happy or angry. You can read everything in his eyes.. and when he says his heart is broken - you know it to be the purest of truths.
I cannot hide my heart. For as I chose to live with it open to others, I also chose to expose the scars on it. The scars tell a story. A story of extreme pain and deep feelings of abandonment.....
.... but they also tell a story of self-discovery and joy.
For ME, There is not one without the other.
I do not know how to keep the happiness in my life, without being thankful about the fire of he!! I went through to get there.
But I do not know how to have tea with the woman who set the fire. I do not know how to communicate with the woman who is the catalyst for this all.
I do not know how to create peace between the side that wants to hug her vs. the side that wants to punch her (metaphorically of course)
Which side will win that day? I constantly pray for my intellect... and hope I can silence the child in me once more.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
