I don't know exactly how it is "obvious" that I have not changed. Yes, I have a temper. I have more recently learned to pull out of arguments instead of yelling. And there have been multiple times when I was the one who refused to continue arguing, while W went on a tirade. I believe that is a change.
How exactly did you conclude that I have not learned to communicate better? Or changed attitudes toward her?
And yes, I do try to "please" her. I try to do things that are considerate...somehow, I didn't think that trying to be more considerate was a violation of the principles of DBing.
As I said in my post, the MCs recommended to me that I learn to accept that W will be interpreting everything I do as maliciously intended, something that they were observing in our sessions, and that I would have to live with this for quite some time before any positive change would come about. This is something that I have, albeit imperfectly, done. I react a lot less than I used to when W tells me what a <excrement> I am for making simple mistakes, or when she spits in my face. They commended me on the changes that they had seen me make - even though it is "obvious" to you that I have not made any. And 1 week later, W said there would be no recovery for our M.
2 weeks ago, I made baked macaroni and cheese with the wrong kind of cheese, and she accused me of doing it on purpose, just to spite her and our daughter. And, in saying so, she let forth a stream of obscenities at me. Thank God the kids were not up at that time, as I was preparing dinner for the next day.
And FWIW, I am not "blaming" DB. I am just saying it has not been working for me. The fact that it has not helped for me (and yes, I have been applying a lot of the principles, although I will admit I have sometimes forgotten myself) does not mean that I am saying the program is bad. It does not guarantee success. That's all.
Sorry for my tone.
My life is falling apart, my W has told me (with raised voice) that I should never hope for anything to get any better, and I am grasping for something to hope for.
Honestly, having someone turn around with, "Well, it's all your own fault," doesn't really help.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
