DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Hi Sandi,

Here are a few more responses to your questions. Thanks so much for your feedback.

When I was a WAW, the last thing I wanted was my H asking me to take some quiz so he could speak to me in my LL.

You're right, I knew I shouldn't have asked her, even though people have been suggesting that I try to figure out what here LL is, but it just isn't the time. I even asked her to disregard my e-mail, but she sent the results anyway.

I purposely say this rather harshly b/c I want you to get your head screwed on straight and stop doing things before you think about it rationally.......which asking her to fill out any quiz that quiz is showing her how desperate you feel.

I have SO got to focus on detaching. It's just as plain as day to me now.

[B]Everything is different now. Do you really understand that it is? You are trying to keep a person who wants to escape having a life with you. Many times, it takes the LBS releasing that hold....before the WAS reconsiders their decision.[\b]

Exactly, and I want to detach from her emotionally, but it's going to take a lot more work on my part. I've picked myself up again and I'm back on track and knowing what I've got to do will be a tremendous help in the detaching process.

[B]Some people here may advise you to fight her every inch of the way. But I believe the more you fight and resist, the more she will want to get away from you.

I didn't think I was fighting her, but I suppose that any amount of pressure at all can be considered resistance.

I'm not telling you to give up loving her. I'm not telling you to give up having hope for a future with her. But I do believe if you stop trying to control her and force her to be where she doesn't want to be, you may actually get a second chance at life together.

Thanks. It's taken quite a while for me to wrap my head around the idea of letting go in order to bring W back to me, but as you somrightly point out, it's likely my one dim hope.

Oh btw, I knew you worked from home, but you are home with the kids all day while she's out in the work force......meeting attractive people who responds positively. But when she comes home, what she sees and hears is very much the same as men who use to describe the housewife. It has the same effects, it's just reversed from what was seen as "traditional roles", and I think it may be harder for some men when they aren't working outside the home, based on what I've read and witnessed over time. But whichever one stays at home has to work at staying attractive, interesting, charming, happy, etc. Every person who has been the parent to stay in the home (working from the house or not) and had to wear all the hats you've described knows how hard it is!

This might have been a bit chauvinistic on my part. I KNOW how hard a job being a stay-at-home parent is and I have tremendous respect for people who decide to take on that responsibility. But I do earn quite a bit from my translation work, albeit not an equal contribution to my wife's. perhaps it is a sore point for me because my W has at times been a bit demanding of my time, forcing me to work many nights and weekends, for example, when she works on a day that is technically her day to be with the kids. It's an issue we'll need to face whether we D or not.

Think carefully before acting on anything again.

I intend to

As for whether or not she is having an EA: I honestly don't know. I do know that she brought up her asst. manager's name at the restaurant where she BDed me, and wept while she vaguely referred to their "close friendship". He's an older gentleman, 63 I believe, but that's all I know. I told her early on when the D talk started up that I wanted her to feel free to go out and socialize (it was one of my 180s -- no more grief about her going out no matter how hard I day I was having -- and she said "even with (POM)"? At first I said sure, but then I got steamed up thinking about it and went back and told her I completely disapproved.

But, see, I know now that there's nothing I can do about that. I can't control her. Heck, I even said I was going to go out and do my thing, too (although obviously that was said in anger and I don't plan on seeing anyone else, too confusing).

I understand that it would explain why she would be "leaving the father of her four small children", but I can't read her mind. And I certainly ain't going to ask about it directly (I've almost got the rules memorized, god bless for those).

I can only keep a PMA, focus on my goals, be the best possible dad I can be, and try to focus on the small imprvements. Oh yeah, and DETACH!