Anything left to salvage? - or where from here?

[Psych77]

I used to post here very frequently, and I always enjoyed the feeling of support I got, and some of the relief from the loneliness. I need that again, as DBing has not been successful so far.

W and I have been M for almost 20 years, now, and it has been rocky for most of it. Both of us stayed together because we really believe in M, and were determined to stick it out and make it work. We were really in love. I still do love her, but there is so little left that we can do.

I have had a problem with my temper for a while. I don't strike anyone, or even threaten to do so (W has sometimes threatened physical violence), but sometimes when I am upset, feel I am misunderstood, or am being accused of something I don't think I did, I will sometimes scream, and get too close to W, with the result that she feels threatened. I didn't want to intimidate her, but that is what I ended up doing. Mind you, this problem is only what has been happening for the last few years of the marriage. During a session of MC, W asked me, "How badly do you want to save this M?" and asked me to go to a batterer's intervention group. The program lasted 40 weeks, but with days taken off for holidays and such, it ended up taking about a year. But less than halfway through it, W took me aside and told me that to continue to work on the M was torture for her, and she did not want to try anymore. She told me that as far as she was concerned, the M was over. We agreed to continue to live together, because we cannot afford 2 homes, because neither of us wants to live apart from the children, and because we want to give them as stable a home environment as possible.

We don't talk anymore, except about what absolutely has to be said. That was the way it had been before she told me she didn't want to try anymore - she had asked me to keep a distance until we got things sorted out - but since she said she was done with the M, things seem to be more hostile in the home than ever before. When I try to talk about anything, she gets angry, and if I don't back away, it turns into a fight. For example, most nights I take over with the kids when I get home, but last night I told Jennifer that tonight I would be returning to karate class (I have little going on outside the home). Because I knew that meant I would not be supervising the kids for a part of the evening, I started to say, "If there is anything I can do to make things easier for you..." She cut me off there, and said, "You have never done anything to make anything easier for me. You saying that is so insulting!" Mind you, I work 50-60 hours per week as the only income in the family, take over duty with the kids as soon as I get home, supervising them cleaning up the kitchen (which, as many parents know, is often more work than actually cleaning up the kitchen yourself), and reading to them before bed. Additionally, 2 nights a week, I prepare a dinner ahead of time so W can put it into the oven the next day and not worry about cooking (I offered to do that, and W said less than a year ago that this had been very helpful).

The night W told me she was done with the M, she had just seen the MC for an individual visit the night before (that night she told me that she would no longer be going back to the MC). When I had gone to MC the previous week, they had told me basically that W was very hurt, and said that she looked like she was going to be pretty hostile for a while. They coached me in being prepared to absorb her digs, and to let it roll off when she interpreted everything I did in the most negative way possible. They congratulated me on living with this situation as long as I had (I was, and still am, sleeping on a cot in the basement next to the boiler). I wonder if they had challenged her on her decisions, and that was the reason behind her decision to give up on M.

In IC, I have been talking about the conflicts between me and W, and IC has been trying to convince me that I am not the only one being unkind in this R - while I defend W and her position, IC has been trying to tell me that W is being emotionally abusive to me.

Some of her latest barbed comments have actually made it easier for me to detach. I have finally realized that, no matter what I do, it will never be taken as something good. Offering to help will always be thrown back into my face. Not only is it OK for me to pursue my own life, it is the only choice I have left. I need to stop trying to please her, because I won't. In a strange sense, it is a relief to realize this.

The problems are multiple. We are Catholics, and neither of us believe in D and remarriage (although after this experience, I will never again be tempted to look judgmentally on someone who does so). We have taught our children that M is forever. My kids have become attached to me (thank God), and I don't want to be separated from them. And finally, I still love W, although right now I feel nothing but tense and threatened when I am around her.

Our whole relationship would have to be entirely different for me to even WANT to have it back. But W seems to think the whole thing is my fault, and seems to see no reason why she needs to change now (in fairness, earlier on in the R, she tried to make a lot of differences, and often blamed herself inappropriately for problems between us).

Our M crisis has been going on for years now, and we have been to multiple MCs.

And now, I feel kind of aimless. I am not wanted in W's life. I love to spend time with the kids, but I have to try not to be too obtrusive with W while I am around the house. In all honesty, I feel more comfortable at work than at home.

I guess I just came here because I needed to let it out, and get some feedback. Maybe talk to somebody who understands, or just talk to another adult who is supportive rather than hostile.

Sorry for exploding all over the place. Just a whole lot going on.