Bklyn With Love

[keep_going]

BM,

I have not posted in a while but have continued following your journey. You and I have pretty much walked alongside from the get go and our situations have a lot of similarities.

I so understand everything you go through as I find myself in similar, very painful situations. I hope you know that I truly care for you and am here to show my support. You have lots of people here who constantly come and offer words of encouragement and support and you are always so grateful and gracious about that because you are an amazing woman.

Yet today I do feel compelled to bring the unpopular POV now and give you a bit of a 2x4... Please, please know that it comes from a place of caring for you and to try to see you happy. If you feel I am way off here, disregard and ignore. Yet if something, anything stings just a bit or hits home, please, please think about it. Perhaps you can entertain different thoughts than what you have been processing for a while now. I don't mean to offend.

What makes them (H & girlfriend) think its okay to place house with my kids, to drive in her car like a family, to tuck my kids in at night, to put them in their pjs, to spend easter hunting for eggs with them Is this normal?

B, you know my sitch. You know my H's OW is also present in my kids' lives and gives them presents and tucks them in at night and everything. I have repeatedly said how this is probably THE MOST hurtful thing of all that is happening. Why? Because I feel displaced and threatened as a mother. Those are MY feelings. People tell me that is not possible, yet they still invade my thinking and bring me to negative thinking.

I honestly believe you are also in that same place. Simply asking the questions about why and how this is happening is keeping you stuck. It breeds resentment in you and even though you try very, very hard to take the high road, I think that resentment and anger seeps through in your posts here. And if it does here, you can be assured that it also shows in your interactions with your H and your Ds.

Does it matter if it shows with your H? You could argue it doesn't if you are done standing and could care less what he thinks. Yet from what I have read and know about you, you are always wanting to be better, to take the high road and treat others with kindness.

What about your children? It will always matter if your children see their mom harboring resentment... They are smart and they will feel it and experience it. Have you ever heard anyone say how their Mom never really got over their D and they became bitter? I have and that is one of my worst fears in all of this. I am not saying you are there, but when we stay stuck and focused on the negative, it can become a habit and a way of life.

So for the first time, I say something. He comes back in with the last load from the car, I hurry up his goodbyes with the girls and while he is on the front stoop.

I tell him that I problem with driving companion. He asks me if we maybe we should meet and talk about it. I said no I dont want to talk about this, you have clearly decided this is okay for your children and this is not okay for your kids, but there is nothing to talk about.

I didnt yell or lose it.

To me, the fact that you said something shows me that you are not detached yet. I get it. I am not either and I have let my emotions also come through either by saying something or being short with my H or doing something passive aggressive.

I want you to ask yourself - what was your motivation for saying something to him?
Why bring it up and and then refuse to discuss it later?
You have been around long enough and know that you cannot control him. I doubt that was your intent.
Did you want to guilt him?
Did you want to show him that his actions are wrong, reprehensible, immoral?

The reason I ask is that I know in my case I have done the above. I know my motivations have not been pure. This is not part of taking the high road...

Once the door was closed I broke down and cried to my girls. I said a million things I shouldnt have to them. I told them daddy wanted to be married to Jess and not to me, I told them Daddy loved Jess and not their mommy.

I wanted to tell them Jess is an a$$hole home wrecker but I left that out.

BM, this ^^^^^ is what worries me when I see the anger and resentment in your posts. When we bottle it up inside without a healthy outlet and processing, it comes out when we least want it.

Our kids do not deserve to hear that. They cannot even process it in a healthy way. All they hear is mommy being very sad and angry, saying bad things about daddy and OW and how daddy is to blame for their broken family.
Please, please when you feel the urge to say something to them, leave the room, place them in front of the TV, anything to avoid this.

I dont understand how his girlfriend can go into work, with people I know and tell them she spent a weekend, easter with my kids and my in laws and my husband and people think this is okay. That no tells her she is an a$$hole. She goes on acting like she is such a nice girl.

I hate the idea of these too playing house with my kids. I hate that. I want to call this b!tch and tell her never to touch my children. I want to call her and tell that she is home wrecker.

The worst thing that my H did was get me to believe that this was all my fault. He made me think I was crazy.

Do you see all the anger and judgement here ^^^^?
Look, I am NOT saying you don't have a right to be angry. I am not saying you should not be hurt! It hurts like nothing in this world will ever hurt. I know because I am walking in your shoes... Yet we need to find a way to deal with it.

You have come a long way, but I honestly, honestly still hear so much anger, finger-pointing and judgmental statements in your posts.

Do you still love this man?
Do you still want to save your M?
Have you truly accepted that he is in a R with someone else and that your children are already a part of it?

Look, the reason why I ask is because these are the EXACT same things I struggle with - anger, acceptance, detachment & forgiveness.

I have a very, very hard time reading your posts because I see myself in everything you say and I can see how much work I still need to do on myself.
Are you in as much pain about yourself as I am about myself?
Are you also struggling with self-forgiveness?

WHAT CAN YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NOW FROM WHAT YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR SO YOU CAN GET CLOSER TO LETTING GO OF THIS RESENTMENT SO YOU CAN MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY?

You are an amazing mom, a kind, strong woman, now you need to become a HAPPY woman.

I am not crazy

You are not crazy - you are just hurting so, so bad and are still angry and way too focused on blaming your H and pointing out how much he is hurting you and the kids and how bad and reprehensible his actions still are and it's just poisoning YOU.

I deserve better. So do my girls.

YES! YES! YES! SO WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER FOR YOU, regardless of what your H and OW are doing?

I am in this journey with you - we can do this. Let's have compassion for ourselves, our hurt and find forgiveness. There is a way and we need to find it - for us and our kids.

((((((((((((((((((((((BM))))))))))))))))))))))