The folks on the MLC forum call this working on what "stings." They mean, of all of your wayward wife's marital complaints, which are the ones that "STING?" The ones that YOU know, in your own gut, are really things that you do need to work at, whether it be to safe this marriage or to be successful in a future relationship?
Yeah, I am starting to understand what some of these things are. Things about me that have changed since our marriage. I have lost a lot of my once-carefree spirit as I grow older and have more responsibilities--I have become very protective, cautious. Not in a controlling way but I'm just always hyper-aware of what could go wrong at any moment and I am preoccupied with "safety." Which drives her nuts. She doesn't want a "safe" life. She feels that all I want for us is a boring typical "safe" existence whereas we agreed on a different vision of the future many years ago--and I still want that, even if I've become focused on a future plan that is in absolute contradiction to that idea. She feels like I'm not capable of changing this part of myself, that no matter what happens, this "safe" person is here to stay.
But to be honest, I have heard her say these things and she has been right. I never could quite put my finger on it, but I think I'm starting to really get it.
A lot of the things we used to share have become sidetracked or back-seated as these other traits emerge. And I've never liked these new ways, but I have felt little reason to really reflect on this aspect of myself. I have been uncomfortable with it, but I have also not realized what a deep wound it was causing in my relationships.
As a result, I've been reflecting a lot lately about what it would mean to change this part about me. I'm still not 100% sure I even fully understand the problem, and this is probably only one of many. But this is a big one, a deep one, one that I should work on for my own sake as well.
So now, the trick is, how to I SHOW this? Not that I'm a new man overnight, maybe just make it clear I'm getting the message.
Obviously this is all a big thing that doesn't just happen overnight, I understand that. Wounds in a relationship this deep don't heal overnight, if ever.
Thank you all so much.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
