A lot of you have pointed out how hard of a person I was to live with and how "poor W" just couldn't put up with it any longer. That very well may be true, but W was NOT an innocent victim. I agree that I could have done many many things better, but some things I did an OUTSTANDING job at as a husband, father and friend.
I understand what you're saying and I've felt a little of that myself on my threads. People ask us here what we think we did wrong in the M, so we tell them. They never ask what we did RIGHT in the M or what our spouses did wrong, so our threads end up being a long laundry list of our faults while making our spouses look like pure and innocent victims.
Of course the honest truth is both spouses failed in the M. Most of the people that post on these forums sound like good, honest, hard-working individuals. I seriously doubt people like this carry a 95% burden of fault, it's probably more like 50%. Honestly I think what you and me and many others here are guilty of is being guys. We do the typical guy stuff like shut down when our wives "communicate" with (nag) us. We try to fix them instead of validate when they talk about their problems. We tend to leave the M on autopilot while focusing on our kids, chores and careers. We can complain all evening and then expect to shut the bedroom door and have wild sex that our W enjoys as much as us. We try and control the finances and decisions because we think that's what they want. Then they drop the bomb and we discover that all those things we thought were unimportant or not even on the radar were driving them farther and farther away.
But, they're not here working on the M, we are. So we have to take our lumps for what we did wrong (whether we realized they were wrongs or not) and change ourselves and move forward.
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but I still don't feel it is fair to make me out to be this horrible individual that brow beat and controlled my W into submission....because I didn't.
Are you sure? Because I did. I never knew it, I certainly didn't do it on purpose and in fact the things I did that caused this I thought were beneficial things. I made the decisions, I controlled the finances, I thought it was what she WANTED!! But those are the very things that pushed her out the door. And I see a lot of that in you too. But don't be confused about this, no one is accusing you of being a horrible person. If you had hurt your wife intentionally, then you would be a horrible person, but I don't think you did and I know I didn't. So that doesn't make us horrible, just ignorant. Now we know better, and now we can be different.
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Slowly, every single person left. They all later told me it was because they were uncomfotable around W.
I'm still sensing something here that doesn't sound right. They're "uncomfortable" because of what exactly? Her sitting around laughing at your jokes? Or because you've been telling them things that make them see your W in a certain way? There are hints of this smear campaign in your thread, I just sense that you started the ball rolling and it's been feeding itself ever since. IE, you may no longer be actively talking to all of them about your W's faults, but you've done it enough that it's self-sustaining now.
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W laughed so hard at my jokes. She engaged me. She engaged everyone, just like she would have a year ago. The only difference was, she told me she was serving me with Divorce papers only 2 days before. I had to excuse myself and leave with D.
I don't blame you!! How dare she sit there and laugh at your jokes!! What is wrong with her?? Seriously, getting up and leaving her there is sooooo not detached.
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She wants to be friends with me on her terms, not truly a friend for me, but she wishes for me to be a friend to her. That is simply something I cannot offer. I cannot be a doormat
Being her friend has nothing to do with being a doormat. Are you wanting to keep the way home paved and smooth? Then be her friend.
