Excellent advice. How do you pull that sort of thing off? Like, we are still living in the same house for now. She is talking about moving out but doesn't have a place yet. How do I share a space with her and not always seem like I'm pursuing? I'm not following her room to room but my presence clearly irritates her. Should I stay with someone else for a while? So confusing.
Right now my plan is to be at home and be with my daughter every minute I can, anytime spent with my wife will be at her choosing I suppose, is that what you would recommend?
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
NO, DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME. There are possible legal implications to that ("abandonment") -- one of the reasons why you should talk to an atty, to better understand the various issues at play here.
As someone said above, you don't initiate conversations, and don't get into ANY R (Relationship) convos with her. But DO be a great listener when SHE initiates them, provided they're not about OM (very disrespectful and even emasculating) and she's not screaming or being otherwise direspectful in any way. Also, you can let her observe you being present and conversant with OTHERS in your mutual presence.
If you start trying to "speak her love language" right now, at this stage when she's still in an unrepentant affair, she's only going to see it as weak and supplicating. NOT attractive. There'll be plenty of time for all that LL stuff if you guys make it to reconciliation ("piecing").
Have you read the Love Languages book? You can begin to understand her LL and interact with her in that way, or from that place inside you.
Understanding and responding and interacting don't mean speaking. 90% of communication is nonverbal, give or take a few %points, so if you continue responding, even nonverbally in ways that are opposite of what your W recognizes as loving, caring and understanding that's more of the same.
There is no guarantee on how your W will react/respond to any of this. The real question is who do you want to be? How can you become the man you want to be and project that in a way that she will come to see as the new, improved you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
There is no guarantee on how your W will react/respond to any of this. The real question is who do you want to be? How can you become the man you want to be and project that in a way that she will come to see as the new, improved you.
I agree with this. ^^^
The folks on the MLC forum call this working on what "stings." They mean, of all of your wayward wife's marital complaints, which are the ones that "STING?" The ones that YOU know, in your own gut, are really things that you do need to work at, whether it be to safe this marriage or to be successful in a future relationship?
The caveat, of course, is to base this on some serious introspection on your OWN part -- coupled with older, past marital complaints -- and not on recent complaints from an actively-wayward spouse. Because 90%+ of those are gaslighted, re-writing-of-marital-history b.s. used to rationalize their own infidelity.
The folks on the MLC forum call this working on what "stings." They mean, of all of your wayward wife's marital complaints, which are the ones that "STING?" The ones that YOU know, in your own gut, are really things that you do need to work at, whether it be to safe this marriage or to be successful in a future relationship?
Yeah, I am starting to understand what some of these things are. Things about me that have changed since our marriage. I have lost a lot of my once-carefree spirit as I grow older and have more responsibilities--I have become very protective, cautious. Not in a controlling way but I'm just always hyper-aware of what could go wrong at any moment and I am preoccupied with "safety." Which drives her nuts. She doesn't want a "safe" life. She feels that all I want for us is a boring typical "safe" existence whereas we agreed on a different vision of the future many years ago--and I still want that, even if I've become focused on a future plan that is in absolute contradiction to that idea. She feels like I'm not capable of changing this part of myself, that no matter what happens, this "safe" person is here to stay.
But to be honest, I have heard her say these things and she has been right. I never could quite put my finger on it, but I think I'm starting to really get it.
A lot of the things we used to share have become sidetracked or back-seated as these other traits emerge. And I've never liked these new ways, but I have felt little reason to really reflect on this aspect of myself. I have been uncomfortable with it, but I have also not realized what a deep wound it was causing in my relationships.
As a result, I've been reflecting a lot lately about what it would mean to change this part about me. I'm still not 100% sure I even fully understand the problem, and this is probably only one of many. But this is a big one, a deep one, one that I should work on for my own sake as well.
So now, the trick is, how to I SHOW this? Not that I'm a new man overnight, maybe just make it clear I'm getting the message.
Obviously this is all a big thing that doesn't just happen overnight, I understand that. Wounds in a relationship this deep don't heal overnight, if ever.
Thank you all so much.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
So now, the trick is, how to I SHOW this? Not that I'm a new man overnight, maybe just make it clear I'm getting the message.
Well, for starters, I would say "it's not a trick" -- you do these things for YOU, not for HER. If she notices, great -- bonus.
Let me ask you this rather painful question, but it really helps get to the heart of the matter: what things would you do if you suddenly lost your wife to illness, or a tragic auto accident and she were no longer with you? What improvements would you make, what activities and interests would you pursue, etc., etc.? What are your core beliefs?
Rhetorical questions, Inc., and I'm not looking for you to answer ME on them -- just for you to ponder these things. As Cadet likes to say, "you've been given the gift of time . . . use it wisely."
