I have made a decision to be different, and I think I have made some real and significant changes, but I still cannot forgive myself for ruining the best things that happened to me. It is frustrating that my W is not around to see the changes. Hell, I was about to make these changes right before the BD.
It seems like it very difficult to balance forgiving oneself and forgiving one's spouse. Many people just settle on blaming the spouse, and I cannot in good conscience do that. But I recognize it doesn't do any good to browbeat myself. Still, it is difficult to just shrug your shoulders and chalk it up to a learning experience.
I guess I should mention this is all probably muddled up with the death of my father six weeks prior to BD.
