Still treading water

[AnotherStander]

W and I have been getting along better over the past couple of weeks than we have since BD. We are having friendly conversations, she actually laughed at/with me today and W has not gone to work over the weekends like previously.

Well those sound like HUGE baby steps!! So what do you do? Well of course you should aggressively pursue her!! No I'm just kidding, just celebrate them INTERNALLY and continue with your DB'ing EXTERNALLY. What you're doing is working, so stick with it

This evening however, D4 was not listening and acting out and W says "I can't wait to get to work tomorrow". Maybe it shouldn't have but this hurt. (Early on, W has said several times that she would rather be at a job she hates than to be at home with me).

So your very young daughter was acting up and W made a passing comment that she can't wait to get back to work (because work IS a break from our kids and sometimes we need that break) and yet, somehow you turn this comment into her not wanting to be at home with YOU. Brother, quit being so needy!

Now that kids are asleep, W goes downstairs to get away. Obviously from me since the kids are asleep.

Obviously, because it all about YOU! Stop the needy behavior!! Maybe she just wanted some time to herself, and after all, DB'ing is about what? YOU giving HER time and space!! Yet when she takes some of that space you suddenly throw a pity party! It's totally normal for the WAS to run hot and cold, if they start doing things to get closer to the LBS then they will sometimes push away when they realize they're getting TOO close. Your reaction is to hold your distance. Don't pursue, don't mope, don't get needy. You need to EXPECT her to push away now and then. When you expect it, then you're not surprised when it happens and you can more easily maintain your PMA.

I know that this shows I am not detached. I have known this all along. I am trying. It's just since we have been getting along better than in forever it just hurts.

Look at all the progress you wrote about in this very post!! You're focusing on the downs instead of the ups, and I think in your case it's not even real downs, more like perceived downs.

Darn expectations! I know AS has talked about how his expectations have bitten him. I am trying to remember his words of advice but it is just hard to do once you start getting along better. Does us getting along better mean anything? I don't know. Aside from being friendly and talking to me more, there have been no other new signs of affection.

This is exactly what I had trouble with as well. If W moved a little closer to me then my expectations would jump in and say she was ready to reconcile. NO, this is NOT true. I think as guys we see everything as black and white. We see a big switch in front of our wife, on one side it says "I'm done with him" and on the other side it says "I want to reconcile". So if she starts making moves towards us, we think "oh good, she finally flipped the switch" and we start applying pressure all over again through our words and behavior. But our wives aren't looking at a switch, they're looking at a rheostat. They're turning it up a little at a time, and now and then even dial it back down a little. That rheostat has a 180 degree arc, when she turns it 10 degrees it looks like a big step to us, but it's still a lot closer to "I'm done with him" then it is to "I want to reconcile". But, that 10 degrees IS progress in the right direction! So celebrate the small turn, but don't REACT to it.