W and I have been getting along better over the past couple of weeks than we have since BD. We are having friendly conversations, she actually laughed at/with me today and W has not gone to work over the weekends like previously.
Well those sound like HUGE baby steps!! So what do you do? Well of course you should aggressively pursue her!! No I'm just kidding, just celebrate them INTERNALLY and continue with your DB'ing EXTERNALLY. What you're doing is working, so stick with it
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This evening however, D4 was not listening and acting out and W says "I can't wait to get to work tomorrow". Maybe it shouldn't have but this hurt. (Early on, W has said several times that she would rather be at a job she hates than to be at home with me).
So your very young daughter was acting up and W made a passing comment that she can't wait to get back to work (because work IS a break from our kids and sometimes we need that break) and yet, somehow you turn this comment into her not wanting to be at home with YOU. Brother, quit being so needy!
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Now that kids are asleep, W goes downstairs to get away. Obviously from me since the kids are asleep.
Obviously, because it all about YOU! Stop the needy behavior!! Maybe she just wanted some time to herself, and after all, DB'ing is about what? YOU giving HER time and space!! Yet when she takes some of that space you suddenly throw a pity party! It's totally normal for the WAS to run hot and cold, if they start doing things to get closer to the LBS then they will sometimes push away when they realize they're getting TOO close. Your reaction is to hold your distance. Don't pursue, don't mope, don't get needy. You need to EXPECT her to push away now and then. When you expect it, then you're not surprised when it happens and you can more easily maintain your PMA.
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I know that this shows I am not detached. I have known this all along. I am trying. It's just since we have been getting along better than in forever it just hurts.
Look at all the progress you wrote about in this very post!! You're focusing on the downs instead of the ups, and I think in your case it's not even real downs, more like perceived downs.
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Darn expectations! I know AS has talked about how his expectations have bitten him. I am trying to remember his words of advice but it is just hard to do once you start getting along better. Does us getting along better mean anything? I don't know. Aside from being friendly and talking to me more, there have been no other new signs of affection.
This is exactly what I had trouble with as well. If W moved a little closer to me then my expectations would jump in and say she was ready to reconcile. NO, this is NOT true. I think as guys we see everything as black and white. We see a big switch in front of our wife, on one side it says "I'm done with him" and on the other side it says "I want to reconcile". So if she starts making moves towards us, we think "oh good, she finally flipped the switch" and we start applying pressure all over again through our words and behavior. But our wives aren't looking at a switch, they're looking at a rheostat. They're turning it up a little at a time, and now and then even dial it back down a little. That rheostat has a 180 degree arc, when she turns it 10 degrees it looks like a big step to us, but it's still a lot closer to "I'm done with him" then it is to "I want to reconcile". But, that 10 degrees IS progress in the right direction! So celebrate the small turn, but don't REACT to it.
I definitely got a picture of me with the girls, just none of all four of us together. I didn't want to ask for one because I thought that may seem like pressure to her.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Ok, in the grand scheme of things, things have gotten better. Better doesn't necessarily mean she has changed her mind at all. Better means that it is just not as tense around the house. I think partly due to my change in attitude and partly due to W realizing/accepting that she cannot do a single thing about HER sitch until she has a new job.
You are also correct that i am needy when it comes to my W. Wow, I feel like such a tool to say that. You can argue that I don't NEED her and that may be true but I definitely WANT her.
And is it really progress that she is being nice? I can't say that I totally agree with that. The optimist in me says sure, you have to be nice to R. But the pessimist in me says that she is just tired of acting like an a$$ because she is really a nice person and she is just biding her time until she can afford to leave.
Lets end a bright note. I played softball tonight for the first time in 4 years. I had a great time. Went 3 for 4 and we got the w. I went out after to eat and watch some baseball at a restaurant. It was a nice evening. I had fleeting thoughts of my sitch but they didnt last too long. Press on Grizz.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Ok, in the grand scheme of things, things have gotten better. Better doesn't necessarily mean she has changed her mind at all.
Right. She is not going to change her mind any time soon. It will take time.
Originally Posted By: Grizz
And is it really progress that she is being nice? I can't say that I totally agree with that. The optimist in me says sure, you have to be nice to R. But the pessimist in me says that she is just tired of acting like an a$$ because she is really a nice person and she is just biding her time until she can afford to leave.
If she really wanted out badly enough, she'd find a way. So living with you is tolerable! Yay you! What you've been given is time. Time to quietly work on you, and let her see that your new marriage together can be better than the old.
Who cares what she's thinking right now, or why she is staying. You got a hot date or someplace else to go? Relax, stop worrying about what she's thinking, (because you don't really know!) and be content with things for now. Remember, Michele wrote that it's ok if your marriage is in a holding pattern for a while.
I used to think and worry about the same things you are right now, but I continued to apply the DB techniques, and over a year later W is still here. Hasn't talked about leaving in months.
Give up on the idea of having an immediate or quick resolution to your marriage crises. How do you suppose that would play out if you pressed her for it right now? See what I mean?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm glad to hear that you went out and played ball. I need to do the same. It's great to get a chance to forget about our troubles. For a while, the clouds part and the sun shines!
FY,
Thanks for your second comment. I needed to hear that!
FY, no hot dates here, lol. Everyone on here is far too familiar with the ups and downs that you go through. Guess I am in a down phase. I know, poor me.
I tried to press her several weeks ago for a resolution and it did not go well. No R talks at all since that time.
W and I used to text during the day, especially during lunch. I miss that. I have done really well with not texting her at all during the day but I hate it.
Ok, I have whined on here for two days in a row now. Time to stop it. It is what it is.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
unless you want 2x4's... dont TEXT!! don't temp check, NO R talks!! Learn from me!
wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Stop the needy behavior!! Maybe she just wanted some time to herself, and after all, DB'ing is about what? YOU giving HER time and space!! Yet when she takes some of that space you suddenly throw a pity party! It's totally normal for the WAS to run hot and cold, if they start doing things to get closer to the LBS then they will sometimes push away when they realize they're getting TOO close. Your reaction is to hold your distance. Don't pursue, don't mope, don't get needy. You need to EXPECT her to push away now and then. When you expect it, then you're not surprised when it happens and you can more easily maintain your PMA. 
What you've been given is time. Time to quietly work on you, and let her see that your new marriage together can be better than the old.