well I wanted to have a good interation yesterday...had the best intentions but when I arrived at the house...H's truck was not there...this is the first time it has not been there at the determined time...
Well four thoughts went through my head, did I pass him on the road, maybe they are at the store, maybe he left a note....and oh my did he take our S! Well of course in the state of constant Anxiety I am in the last thought took over...I think it took me about 5 sec to get to the door and unlock it and then Saw H and S there, H was putting S's shoes on....
I about collapsed and asked where his truck was...in the garage...H has never parked in the garage and on my side of it...never!
I almost lost it, went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom to lose it...
When I came down, I then began the discussion to which H could not believe I thought that he might have taken our S, I basically had to try to explain the reaction and thoughts that I had that I did not even know existed on some deep level. I told H when I am in reality I do not believe he would do that as he had S all weekend and could have taken him at anytime...but maybe based on the doubts I have on whether I really do know this man...based on him telling me 6 weeks ago he wanted a divorce...never thought that would happen either...that there is a doubt deep inside I did not know was there...also I think panic at the level of being a parent.
H said he could see 'a little' how I thought that way but was obvious and deeply hurt. I told him that I knew if he had thought I might have had that fear he would have pulled the truck out...he was hurt that I thought he was that kind of man.
Of course I see it as another nail in the coffin for me...it ruined the rest of my day...could not watch S find eggs, could not sing happy birthday to newphew....I tried not to let it...man did I try but it did.
I really feel that H is going to file for D this week...if ever there was a time for him to file it would be after the interation last weekend and yesterday.
Low point today...need support...
The note that I left for H this past weekend apologizing, I saw it on the laptop at our house, looks unopened...I have not been back to the house yet, stayed at parents.
