I found Limbo Land

[Cadet]

Plus there must be a way to answer that is better, one that makes her believe I am getting on with life, and I don't need her, yet also does not give her extra help and re-assurance that what she is doing is right?

Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.

Yes I would not continue the same words that you said before.

I would also not believe anything she says.

Some of it may just be to TEST you to see if you really have changed.

[mrtwopointfour]

Plus there must be a way to answer that is better, one that makes her believe I am getting on with life, and I don't need her, yet also does not give her extra help and re-assurance that what she is doing is right?

Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.

Yes I would not continue the same words that you said before.

I would also not believe anything she says.

Some of it may just be to TEST you to see if you really have changed.

hi cadet

Thanks again for checking in on me.

I think that some of it is a test, but also believe that she is still 100% that this is what she needs to be happy. I know that's the way it will be for a long time, and I will hear these things for a long time. Even if it is a test, or just her being honest and open. I still struggle to know how to respond. Do I join her on this 'fantasy journey' and be honest back ie. 'yes that would be the perfect house for you'.

Sorry to labour the point, but it's something I need to get my head around.

[Cadet]

I think that some of it is a test, but also believe that she is still 100% that this is what she needs to be happy.

I agree that this is what she thinks she needs.
It does not make it right, and validating does not mean you really agree.

She must get her own way right now.
If you dont give it to her then she will take it.

Make sure to keep your boundaries in place to protect yourself.

None of this is easy stuff, and there is so much opposite going on that it is hard to keep it all straight.

I think the best verbal response is to keep your mouth shut.
That is MHO.

[mrtwopointfour]

None of this is easy stuff, and there is so much opposite going on that it is hard to keep it all straight.

Your not wrong there. W just accidentally called me 'love' and then proceeded to move her things from one room into 'her room' and then spoke about getting house ready to sell - talk about playing with emotions!

I am trying to just not answer any of these things right now (I think your opinion maybe a good one), and I am also ignoring the huge temptation to throw in the towel. If we were 't getting on so well and having nice days with the kids etc i may well have given up by now.

[mrtwopointfour]

I think the best verbal response is to keep your mouth shut.

I tried this approach but was met with frustration from W that I was not willing to discuss these things.

I think I may need find a way to discuss without agreeing so that it does not come across as me avoiding conversation about future.

[Bel123]

2.4, AnotherStander said this to me regarding validating her feelings even if you don't agree with it.

"W, I want you to stay here with me and work on the M. But I hear you saying that separation is what it will take for you to be happy, and above all I want you to be happy. So I support your decision, and will help you in any way I can."

The idea is not to agree or disagree, but just to let them know that you support them in THEIR decision, whatever that decision may be.


I believe there isn't much you can do to change her mind but make yourself to be a better person and if that brings her back great, if not, you are still a better person.

I have tried all the stuff you are not suppose to do without even realizing it as it comes naturally when the person you love drops the bomb. That just pushes the WAS away and they start to lose respect for you which does not help anything. It is such an emotional time and hard to navigate it correctly. I don't believe you should agree to everything they say either but let them know you hear their point. You don't want to look like you are not listening or ignoring their issue. Like you said, that will look like "same old thing". Realize your part of the problem and address that within yourself.

[2chiquitos]

yes, OW was around for over 1.5yrs

[mrtwopointfour]

Bel123, thanks for this. Just woke up to read it, and i am going to start today as a new challenge. I like this way of validating W feelings, i may save the whole lot for when W mentions the D word again, but there is a theme i can apply to when W mentions how to split assets, etc.

it is a hard time, living with W is not helping but at same time think its easier for W to notice change if she is here. Maybe though not so easier to see grass is not always greener.

[mrtwopointfour]

yes, OW was around for over 1.5yrs

Sorry should have noticed that in your signature. Started reading your back story last night will continue with it later. I wish you luck, seems like you have been working on this for a while and things are paying off?

[Spartan]

2.4 - Getting caught back up on your sitch and I agree with the others. Validate what she's saying doesn't mean you're agreeing. Just make sure you don't fall into any sort of fight. Sounds strange but it's the only way I know how to explain it. Early on I would be validating nicely and then all of a sudden I'd say something that was a little defensive or could be taken that way and off she went... So my advice, validate but make it short and sweet.

it is a hard time, living with W is not helping but at same time think its easier for W to notice change if she is here. Maybe though not so easier to see grass is not always greener.

Actions speak louder than words and best way for them to see actions is staying together. No doubt it's hard as hell and makes detaching very difficult. I've almost move out 3 different times in last 6 months so I understand.

Other thing to think about is staying allows your kids to see your actions and for me that's an even bigger deal. My kids see me as their rock and see me standing for something important. They feel comfortable talking about tough things with me and I'm able to teach them things that will hopefully stay with them forever (love, loyalty, respect, dedication, standing for what I believe in, being a christian man, etc...).