what about... "it doesn't sound like you are trying to get along with me, when you speak like that?"
Nope!! He doesn't want to get along with you right now. My W said the main reason she didn't want to work on things in the first couple of months because "she wanted to stab me in the face"
Don't bring up anything on how he is speaking to you. Don't react to it for a week no matter what. He's probably going to speak to you worse for the first few days when you don't react, but be strong
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
yes he does cbtdad... that is the ONLY thing he has repeatedly said...but, I wonder if its only for ME to work on...not him.
He is passed being mad at me and blaming me for things, he has done a few nice things the last few days (opted for the long country drive vs. short hwy route, bought me hot chocolate, texted tonight to say thanks for the bottle of wine I gave to him the other day)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see."
WFM, actions mean more than words!! My W said she was going to work on our marriage after first counseling meeting. I got upset after a month and she was Doing nothing! Why did I get upset? Because she said she was, but her actions didn't do anything. This is about you!! Control what you can! You
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I know sometimes in the past, I would be talking to my wife on my cell and she would ask me to stop shouting. I think what I was doing was increasing the volume of my speech because of noise around me. I do know that people will speak more loudly into cell phones than they do when they are speaking in person. The microphones are more powerful than we are aware of.
Your husband also sounds stressed. If he is feeling stressed about what he has to do and then you are attacking him about his tone of voice and his shouting, how do you think that's gonna go?
He may feel you should understand him without him explaining himself because of how close you are. You know him well. If he is stressed, he may be taking his frustration out on you. Especially if he leans on you as his partner. We all are guilty of that. Making our loved ones pay for the transgressions of others. That doesn't make it right, but it does explain what may be going on.
Offer him the benefit of the doubt that Michele references. Try to look at this objectively or scientifically instead of holding him guilty until proven innocent. The trigger may just be an overworked guy using a phone with an overly sensitive mic.
I am feeling worried that my h is possibly keeping me baited to continue in our business. Keeping the carrot dangling (reconcilliation). Although he wants to downsize, he also wants to purchase more inventory this week to maintain the value of our inventory against competitors. We are talking another $50G of investment. I have yet to see any income from our business. It is all tied up in inventory. And I am living at my parents. What about MY future? I keep hearing about one, but cannot see it any longer. Especially without him in it.
What do I say to him? This is more pressure. And I can't stop stressing and losing sleep/weight over all this !!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am feeling worried that my h is possibly keeping me baited to continue in our business. Keeping the carrot dangling (reconcilliation). Although he wants to downsize, he also wants to purchase more inventory this week to maintain the value of our inventory against competitors. We are talking another $50G of investment. I have yet to see any income from our business. It is all tied up in inventory. And I am living at my parents. What about MY future? I keep hearing about one, but cannot see it any longer. Especially without him in it.
What do I say to him? This is more pressure. And I can't stop stressing and losing sleep/weight over all this !!!
Sounds like a no-brainer to me. Why would you invest another 50k when you haven't seen a penny of income?
Exactly... but, if I don't he will be angry and his arguement is about protecting our investment. He doesn't take an income either. If we do not purchase this next $50G worth of inventory, our older inventory loses its value, and our competion will have a taste for our product and $$ profit.
UGGGHGHHHHH !!
What do I say to him?... he always wins this disagreement. I have been invested and keep investing in hopes of our reconcilliation. I am kind of bullied here and am on eggshells still trying to please him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Ok, I'm no expert here, but maybe what you should ask yourself is if you want to be in this business.
Is it important to YOU? What would you do instead? This is part of the withdrawal/detach process.
Your H "wins" because you let him. Take some time and really look at what you want. Do you enjoy this biz? Do you enjoy being a biz owner. Take out of your mind whether this is a carrot dangle or what not. It's your biz too.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I do want this biz, and relationship. If I cannot have both, I don't think I can do this. I cannot picture either one of us being able to "move on" and still do this biz. Cannot continue to be controlled by him/this business. Yes, I do enjoy this biz... but, am losing interest. I want both. H says, I may as well work with him as I still will need a job. (sure, but maybe walmart would be better..mindless & away from him)
When we first split up & several times since, he has said he is not against reconcilliation & at the very least wants to get along.... does he mean, get along just for the business now? Is this all we are reduced too now? I hate this.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
WFM I really feel for you. I know these situations are painful. You are so hyper focused on your H you are giving me anxiety reading your posts.
You are worried about H reconciling and dangling carrots. Your worried about your husband participating in reconciling.
You need to understand something. This has been drilled at your 100's of times and you seem to ignore or you are so frantic that you forget.
You need to FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Period. Do not worry about what your husband is doing. Yes you shouldn't have asked where your H was. Your R with your H is over, caput, gone, no more, will never exist as is.
But when you start focusing on yourself and truly looking inward and making changes that are positive along with space you can start a new R with your H. Become a person only a fool would want to leave, if he decides to still leave he is a fool and your changes will benefit your next R.
It is so simple a caveman can do it. Kidding.
I am not being mean but man I wouldnt want to date some so spastic as you. You have so much work to do on yourself and your worried about your H's sandox. Seriously?
I challenge you not to mention your H for a week. You can't do it.
As far as your business goes nobody on this site really can help you. You know what is in the best interest of you. Your going to let your fear of losing your H run your business.
You have 2 options:
1. D your H 2. Divorce bust. When you going to start doing 2.
