we own a biz - pt 4

[Pathfinder2]

WOW cbtdad... sounds good. I wish I could be a month ahead of no Rtalks/temp checks. I will make that a goal too. I neeed to stop walking on eggshells and start standing up for myself, not allowing h to find reasons to be "mad" at me. I guess the way to do this is ... if a sitch happens, calmly tell him I will not accept his tone & that we can discuss this at another time (180). Or, if any "eye rolling" from h happens, to ignore it and do what I was going to do regardless of his eye rolling (180)..... am I doing this right yet?

That's exactly what you need to be doing. Set a short term goal, like one week of no R talks. Once the week is up, add another. Then bump it to two, then a month. You will se that you CAN do this.

It's self discipline. This afternoon, my wife has spent the whole time on the computer. This is something that she has been doing ever since our difficulties started. I would love to know what she is doing there. I have a choice to make. I choose to think about something else! I just positioned myself I front of the tv to watch a NASCAR race.

[Pathfinder2]

While standing up for yourself, I think it would easy to come across as adversarial. Try to make sure you avoid that. Maybe just listen to his complaint, skip the stuff about his tone, and tell him you would like to talk about it later. Don't let him draw you into a fight. He WILL attack you. Take control by walking away. Your ACTION will speak. You don't have to say a thing. The action will be POWERFUL!

Don't hound him. Be available, but don't crowd. Give him space. The cool thing is you know you will hear from him. You have a business together. A lot of people here hardly ever speak to their spouses. Relax! You're trying too hard!

[cbtdad]

P2,
Thanks for talking about detachment/withdrawing.

WFM, that's the better way to look at what I'm in the midst of doing this week.
I'm still working hard on detaching. Such a difficult thing to do.
I'm planning on withdrawing more this week.

[makingmagic]

P2... let me give you a realistic situation. H will call me from his cell phone, on hands free while he his multi-tasking and making alot of background nois4e. He will discuss the days requirements and it comes across as he is shouting and not speaking "nicely to me". Or simiarly, expect me to remember some specific work detail, again on cell/speaker and comes across harshly/yelling and not pleasant. Now, he would not speak in that tone to a client or a friend...so why me?

[makingmagic]

let me also add, h is usually frustrated and this also makes its way to me

[cbtdad]

First, tell him you are having trouble hearing him so he needs to get off speaker.
Second, go one week without responding or acting to the way he speaks to you.
If you still consider it harsh then talk to him about it calmly

[makingmagic]

here's the thing cbtdad... I have accepted this tone for years now, sometimes I have said, "you aren't speaking nicely to me" other times I have ignored... still the same. Also, he will not go off speaker, he multi-tasks. I guess I could try and say something along the lines of maybe we can discuss this when its not so noisey. But that will just frustrate him more and make him more mad....dunno

[makingmagic]

its this kind of stuff that keeps me on eggshells.

[makingmagic]

what about... "it doesn't sound like you are trying to get along with me, when you speak like that?"

[cbtdad]

The only thing You can do is tell him to get off speaker. No one is that busy. If he chooses not then tell him you will speak to him when you can here him better.
WFM, he speaks to you like that because he doesn't respect you. You have to change that and stand up for yourself, but its not goin to happen in one or two or even three days. It's going to be weeks, months.
Just do it an stop worrying what his reaction will be! It won't be any worse than what you are dealing with now