DBing, European style

[25yearsmlc]

So, here I am, back again, bloody and bruised after a much needed working over by Sandi and 25. Thanks so much for the tips. I was initially tempted to write an expansive response to the points made, but other than the stay-at-home-dad misunderstanding I mentioned previously, I think it's best to focus on the important 'takeaways' from the feedback provided.


"working over by Sandi and 25"....and "bloody and bruised"...
okay...nothing weird about that.

And as for what to what else you would want to focus on now...what else is there other than your work? You want to spend your time correcting us? Arguing with us? Papa, really dig deep and THINK about that....


I'm working with an IC (who's also our MC) and I've been undergoing EMDR treatments for my anger management issues \

So the IC who is working with you on your anger issues AND supposedly is there helping repair the marriage, is one & the same? To me, it probably won't take long before they say the marriage is over, and you are the main problem. Even if that is the truth, I'd get a new IC for this work...

really, I worry that you'll feel inhibited from saying your real feelings with the IC, if they're later sort of used against you in the joint sessions...do you see where I'm coming from?


and I'm making progress, but of course there's still quite a way to go. I am a good person, I just have issues that I'm finally addressing, taking AD and ADHD meds (although,I'm understanding now that I might have been misdiagnosed). It might even turn out that this whole situation might ironically turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me...

if you have traits that are destructive to you/others (if they hurt others, then they also hurt you) then YES you must work on them and change. The spiritual and emotional growth that can come out of this ordeal, is by far the biggest (& possibly only) upside.

A lot of us feel we are better people now than before. I know I am. But it' a choice one makes between feigning the role of victim/martyr, or the one who overcomes adversity,

looks bravely within and digs deep to makes fundamental changes in their world...

I've heard it said that the real journey in life is an inward one...


After experiencing my own personal Good Friday last week, I've managed to turn things around attitude-wise and I'm ready to regain the ground that I lost along with my temper last week and have a brighter Easter Sunday.

When you say your "own personal Good Friday", do you mean when you lost your temper with your w about the OM? And said you were going to "F--- any OWs", etc? Hmmm okay so Let me ask you this...

When you put yourself in the role of the crucified one, what happens next?

Do you manage to reach the other party, meaningfully? Or do you come off as an angry self righteous guy? IOW, do you really get anywhere? Are the victories" short lived?

I know you are not literally comparing yourself to Christ. But I want you to pick up on the underlying themes that come out in your writing...you are a victim...you are helpless....this has all "happened to you".

You've mentioned the children much less than you mention yourself and you do that measuring thing, which you thought was reasonable..

and I wrote a LONG post to you with many questions...almost none of which you hav answered.

SO---

What kind of changes are you ready to make in yourself, to be able to DO conflict resolution? No one really likes conflict, so saying you are "conflict avoidant" or "need to polish up o it", as if it's merely a unique preference, overlooks that

conflict resolution is an essential tool for adulthood.

Unless you bully someone else, OR are always caving in to them,

(which usually leads to resentment and passive aggressive behaviors later)

then lacking conflict resolution skills will kill nearly all relationships.

I think working outside the home will aid you in learning this...b/c maybe your w is the only adult you are frequently interacting with,

and you two have not succeeded in resolving conflict well.

Hey, You're not alone in this.

But I definitely feel your defensiveness. Your comment about the feedback Sandi and I are giving you as if we were punishing you, reveals a lot.

We do this for free, fyi...



I'm going to look into improving my conflict resolution skills because apparently it's an essential skill that I'm sorely lacking in. Perhaps there's a course available somewhere.

The value of learning conflict resolution cannot be over stressed...
yes there are books, and therapists...and workshops. Workshops are the most efficient ways to change your life b/c they are intense and a long weekend is like 2 years of GOOD therapy... I have attended several kinds of personal growth workshops, and legal negotiation seminars, but since you are overseas, I can't say much about what is there.

However, I'm often involved in finding solutions for people who are angry or traumatized...and

YES there ARE tools out there. You must be willing to be right and lose, and to be wrong sometimes.

It's alright to be wrong, as long as you own it, and then chamge it b/c you learned something from it.

No one learns a thing if they're always right...



I'm also interested in improving my communication skills with regard to validation.

Good....so, tell me, what would your WIFE SAY about how you communicate?

And if you have read threads around here much, you know that being honest here is key. We are not judges. We are all people who have been where you are, for whatever reason.

Embrace humility b/c this is a humbling experience...and most of us are better for it.

Try reading Crimson's thread, or Denvers...or the older one "faithful husband" (he and his wife reconciled and there was an OM somewhere in there. They're happy and it has been a few years).

Crimson, Denver and FH, all dug deep and made some scary discoveries, as did I and others...but we took charge of our flaws and we changed.



Stander had some good examples on this thread and elsewhere and I'm working on internalizing those examples. I know that will help me tremendously in my quest to achieve some degree of self-realization.

Hope I didn't put anybody off with my previous posts. I guess it's almost inevitable that you're going to hang out your dirty laundry on a BB such as this.

how else would you change or grow, if you are going to hide the truth from yourself and some strangers who want to help you save yourself, and your marriage?

Most of this if VERY hard to do...but for me, talking here was NOT the hard part...it was the easy part and the comfort I found here and with my DB coach, was a miracle.


I think it's healthy to finally, at long last, get these issues out in the open

of course

and perhaps get some hints on how to finally move past them and become the person I know I have the potential to become.

Forget the hints. Get "the manual" and become a man only a fool would leave.

That's your mission, whether she returns or not...


And maybe - just maybe - it'll make my beloved W take notice.

maybe it will. All we know is,

She won't come back unless

she believes marriage to you

can be better/different than before.

Your job for now, is to SHOW her it can be.

So let's get back to the changes YOU are making in YOU...and the GAL...