My WAW - coming to terms with it all!

[25yearsmlc]

I wonder if my "acceptance" of this marriage being over is detachment or is it "giving up?"


Giving up, and accepting that it's over are pretty much the same thing as far as I can tell. And it's very premature for you to do that. You said you wanted to work on being patient. You should.

You can accept that SHE thinks it is over...

like you thought, when you left the home, and when you told her you wanted a divorce...but it turns out, you changed your mind.

Can't she change hers? OF course she can...

Do the "math".

your consistent changes + sufficient TIME = change she can believe in.

you have NOT been consistently different or DBing,

OR for nearly enough time, for her to believe in much of anything different about you.

So change THAT^^ and then we can cross the other bridges...

It somehow feels like i have come to terms with it today and I am ready to take on the reality of the situation more so than last week. Man, this is such an emotional roller coaster !

Although the next few months will not be easy at least I can accept that I have no expectations other than being able to communicate well with my W and keep it amicable for the Kids.

this^^^ is a good goal.

SHOW her she can safely feel relaxed around you and then later, after that has been going on awhile, you build on it.



If we can stay friendly and I dont have to deal with any surprise news of a OM

STOP the "IF" stuff. Like "IF" she does/says X, or you think she does/says X, then you get a free pass to lose your head. You don't.

You WILL have to deal with things that come your way in life.

(Or you can keep losing it, AND maybe losing the people you love.)

You have no control over her, but YOU DO Control you. So Start acting like it.

Do not set this up as if what she does MIGHT "make" you lose your temper Or get all depressed again.

Don't you see how little responsibility you are taking for YOUR choices and YOUR behavior and YOUR reaction? Stop that.

You must Take charge of your life. (No one else will).

OWN your life and OWN YOUR choices. No more blaming and no more measuring. So if you apologize for something, don't follow it with an accusation or blame assignment to her.

Just work on YOU. Stay in your sandbox. That alone will be new and she will notice it.

Know that you will be fine, AND in charge of yourself, no matter what she does or says, or what you THINK she is doing/saying...you will make healthy loving smart choices.

No one "makes" you do or say anything but you. And know that you won't make a choice you later regret...no more of that!


then I feel like i will be okay as long as I stay focused on MY changes, and allowing myself to forgive and love myself.

don't give yourself the loophole if "if w does/says 'x', THEN I can..."

b/c you MUST stay focuessed on YOUR changes and only yours. You must grow and improve no matter what she is doing.

Part of that is forgiving...and learning from your mistakes.

But By continuing to put your focus on what she MIGHT do or say, and how you THEN won't be able to handle yourself, you prevent your own progress.


It feels right to move forward with this attitude and accept this reality.


what's the "reality"?

That your marriage is in crisis? True...that she thinks she wants out and she fears you won't change for real? True...

But how about for now, you just work on the need to stabilize things. Okay?

(So NO decisions on your end, unless mandated by law or parental urgency)

Help HEAL and then rebuild friendship with your wife. She has to feel safe with you. So stop mind reading!

Take her words at face value for that moment in time and respect her expressed wishes.

The more you take the temperature of the relationship, the worse you make it for both of you.


I think the hardest part will be unemotional nature of the conversations I will have with my W, the coldness of it, like talking to neighbour or acquaintance.

Why such bad expectations?

it's one thing to not have high hopes, it's another thing to project/expect bad things that can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

IOW, Why not be friendly, warm and upbeat around your wife and kids?

Why not be fun around her? As long as it isn't in the form (or appearance) of pursuit or pressure, what is the risk?

It's not being "in denial" to be pleasant or upbeat. It's just being pleasant and upbeat, "now & from this day forward", which shows change on your end.

No more harping on the negative, or expecting it, which she has seen a lot of from you already. it's a depressing thought pattern that you CAN change.

I think expectations of positive behavior CAN be good IF AND WHEN they impact YOU and your behavior positively...


I will just keep any emotions that I have in check and go with the flow.

Try harder not to project so much so negatively...

Make those changes. And btw, did you ever apologize to her for your bad behavior, for real?

I mean, an apology that wasn't followed by an assignment of HER share of the blame

or a comment like "of course YOU had your flaws too!"...?

Did you ever just talk about your stuff and own it, to HER?

IF so, how did it go?