journalling2: I guess the convo ended ok too, as he did point out that he was available today should the client end up calling to schedule an appt.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
WFM, I hate to say this but I don't feel like you had a backslide because it doesn't seem like you have started yet. You continue to worry so much about what he is doing, his reactions to things, etc.. And the part where he said dont corner him should scream loudly to where he is at. He wants out!! You have to give him the space to comeback or you are going shove him off the cliff
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
grrrr cbtdad... i have been giving soooo much space. I do, and he used to even thank me for it (early days), b'cuz he didnt think I was capable of doing so (me either, for that matter). With all that you have said tho... I will CONTINUE to try to back off. so hard. He just texted me now, to say thanks for the wine I gave to him the other day. How did your weekend go?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Noticed he thanked you for giving him space. He only chance you have at getting closer to your H is to give him space and time. And the only way you can do that is to detach. It will be so hard at first, but gets easier. It is counterintuitive to everything your mind and heart is telling you to do. But it's your only choice. Where has everything else got you?
Weekend was good, thanks for asking. W and I took son to movie Friday afternoon then had dinner. Son and I went to my moms yesterday and stayed the night down there. W came down early in the morning to be part of him opening Easter basket. We spent the day down there and got back to hometown a couple hours ago. Everything was same. No R talk, no fights, no arguments, but less awkward silence. I'm detaching more this week though. So we will see how that goes
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
For me: 1) no R talks, no temperature checks 2) stop obsessing over h & r (try to say "stop" in my head and replace with self-worth statements..I deserve to be respected,etc) 3) focus on work, and keep convo's about work
any suggestions?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
That's exactly what you have to do. You can control your thoughts. Telling ourself stop and preparing before happens when you no you are going to be with him is what "fake till you make it" is.
For me in my current sitch I just won't instigate as much conversation or be the one to invite to do anything for this week. I haven't brought up R talk or temp checked in about a month or so. I still struggle big time with wondering what her reactions will be to things, but I continue to work on it. I haven't walked on eggshells in a while
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
WOW cbtdad... sounds good. I wish I could be a month ahead of no Rtalks/temp checks. I will make that a goal too. I neeed to stop walking on eggshells and start standing up for myself, not allowing h to find reasons to be "mad" at me. I guess the way to do this is ... if a sitch happens, calmly tell him I will not accept his tone & that we can discuss this at another time (180). Or, if any "eye rolling" from h happens, to ignore it and do what I was going to do regardless of his eye rolling (180)..... am I doing this right yet?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I think you might be confusing "detach" with "withdraw". I look at going silent and not texting, phoning or otherwise contacting your spouse as withdrawing from them. Another way of withdrawing is just making yourself scarce.
"Detaching" has more to do with your emotional state. Are your feelings and thoughts driven by what your spouse says or does? If their behavior causes you to respond like a puppet on strings,you are NOT detached. I don't know how you get there besides coming to a point where you KNOW you have worth without them.
Many of us here suffer from a lack of self esteem. That drives our insecurities about our relationships. If we felt that we were the absolute best person on the planet and the most desirable mate a person could ever dream to have, we would certainly spend much less time (read zero) fretting about our circumstances. What our spouse did or didn't do wouldn't really matter to us.
When we know our actual street value, we will find that it is easier to be detached. I think of being detached as a state of being and not something we do.
good point P2... I have been confused with detach/withdraw. I have been a puppet, therefore have not been detached. I have been withdrawing. Hmmmm...
what do you think of my above stmt? and my goals for this week?... am I getting better?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
