Because I give in so easily to guilt. I was told by counselor, family, friends and lawyer that the kids need to learn those boundaries. They need to learn to accept too that it is up to them to remember things for mom are from them and they need to take ownership of remembering these things and not to get things or rely on me using guilt tactics. This is what W has done all marriage to me. She even used guilt to get me back and then guilt to end it. At the same time I love getting the appreciation from them. Kind of a double edged sword. I am afraid to say no and hold my ground.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
They're 10 and 14, I think those are still ages when you guide your kids through these things. They learn by watching us, not by being told or guilted into doing nice things for others.
"Hey, mom's birthday is coming up, lets figure out how to celebrate."
If you think your kids guilt you into things, they've learned that from you, not your W. We teach others how to treat us.
It also would help to look more closely at your interactions with them. Do you say things you don't really mean or hold to? Do you guilt them? Do you have unreasonable expectations? Are there lots of shoulds in your conversations with them? Have you given up because "they're just like W?"
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ouch Bug. No, I have not given up on my kids at all. Quite the opposite. I have been counselled that they need to learn those boundaries, and yes from me. My heart broke for them and I gave in this weekend. I am now to teach them that they need to be responsible for such things and I cannot partake. Also, W does not want me to so that is what the dynamic is. The counsellor who my W and I know clearly told me a few times, and a couple in front of her that she did this, but I let it happen. I. Fact is, it was both couselors who said to W she has unreasonable expectations, not me. This ticked her off. So they have learned this from both of us. The dynamic of her parents is so clear in this as it is obvious where W learned it. My exFIL is a sad, beaten down man who has no say. My W and kids laugh when exMIL harps at him. I always felt sorry for him. Unaware I was living it too.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I wasn't put out there in an ouchy spirit. These are just the kinds of questions I ask myself when I get into a victim place.
I don't understand what your boundary is so maybe that's what I'm missing.
I have to be alert in my interactions with S20 because he will sometimes say things that sound just like his Dad and I have to really take a minute to focus on him. It's difficult but it gives me the chance to build a different R with him.
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The dynamic of her parents is so clear in this as it is obvious where W learned it. My exFIL is a sad, beaten down man who has no say. My W and kids laugh when exMIL harps at him. I always felt sorry for him. Unaware I was living it too.
My H said something very similar to me. One of the most hurtful things he ever said to me was "You're just like your mother!" and he didn't mean all goodness and light. The one person I didn't want to be "just like" but I had to admit he was right and on some level I knew it, I just didn't know how to change. I was doing the best I could at that time.
I could have said to him "And you're just like your Dad, living in your own little world emotionally apart from us, letting me handle everything and building up resentment because you won't speak your mind." I thought it but I didn't say it. We could have done the tit-for-tat thing forever.
Trying to fix him couldn't fix me. I had to own my part and figure out how to fix it.
Asking myself hard questions has been one way I've tried to build a new me. Understanding my automatic thoughts and purging them. Developing empathy for my H because he didn't learn better R skills from his parents, they were just different.
Where did you learn your R skills? Are your skills better or just different? What can you change so your other Rs are better?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"My exFIL is a sad, beaten down man who has no say."
You know he made choices, too. These things don't happen in a vacuum and each player plays a part.
Spring and Easter are times of rebirth and renewal. As crappy as the wake-up calls was, it is a gift, the gift of rebirth and renewal if we choose to accept it.
For me, one of the most important effects of this is children seeing parents grow and change and work to become better. Just as your W learned her skills from her parents, so will your Ds learn their's from the 2 of you.
Good luck, FM, you have a lot on your plate right now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
No, I filed last week and she was served. W and her L have been saying since Nov we would be served but it never came so I filed. Just got court date confirmed.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
