I ran across this while researching the underlying "motivators", both psychological and bio-chemical for affairs, mlc, etc:
Quote:
Hypersexuality is often associated with addictive or obsessive personalities, escapism, psychological disorders, low self-esteem, self-destructive behavior, lowered sexual inhibitions and behavioral conditioning. Alcohol, hormonal imbalance and change of life hormone levels (puberty, adulthood, middle age, menopause, seniors),[5][6][7] behavior modification, operant conditioning and many drugs affect a person's social and sexual inhibitions, while reducing integral human bonding abilities for intimacy.
This correlates with things I've read regarding the hormones "tricking" us into trying to diverify the human gene pool one more time before breeding ability is turned off.
What really struck me was the idea bolded in red...that this same bio-chemical function might turn-off/reduce intimacy abilities...which matches up with us LBS being spurned, no pair bonding...gotta find new genes...before I die/get too old/whatever. idk, just a theory to throw into the mix in search of understanding so I can continue forgiving, because understanding makes forgiving easier for me.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
^ The biology of it all is a wild card that fascinates me. W went off birth control after I got fixed. So now her body isn't "pregnant" three weeks every month. All that coincided with her fathers illness and start of these issues. If we get to a point where she has to go back on the pill (not that I would know), it will be interesting to see what happens. Loosing weight will be harder, sex drive likely lessened, desire for stability(??), bonding with offspring(?), etc..
I've researched it before. Part of trying to make sense of it all. The world may never know.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
FY, in one of your earlier posts you mentioned that you were the rescuer for your W. When W and I went to MC the one and only time, the C told me that's the role I had in our relationship. It was a shocking statement that I still hear her saying. "You were her rescuer but now she's looking for a mate. It may or may not be you."
Our Ws may be staying close by for the simple reason that they still view themselves as the victim and us as their rescuer. What steps are you taking to stop that dynamic in your sitch? One thing I've been working on is encouraging my W to stand up to her persecutor (her mother).
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
For a little background, besides the issues of losing her bitter Mom who disliked life, my wife also was abused sexually by her older brother. Based on discussions with W, I do believe the issues she's dealing with now are due much more from her Mom's behavior, than any SA issues with her brother.
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Originally Posted By: Mtnman
What steps are you taking to stop that dynamic in your sitch?
DB 101! Be the H that only a fool would leave. Also, stay out of her way while she's on her search to discover who she is. She wants to be independent, so I need to give her space so she doesn't feel forced to take it. We met young and she's told me she regrets never having a chance to live on her own. We all know she doesn't need to bail on the M to find herself. This will require that I play my cards right.
She's still here in our home, no longer blames me for the pain she is in, and hasn't talked about moving out in months. I think we're doing as well as can be expected right now. This stuff takes time. (way too much, if you ask me!)
Last edited by dbmod; 04/06/1305:19 AM. Reason: * reference not recommended nor allowed
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, sorry you were put on moderation. Glad you're back! I found TSquared's post interesting, but I don't think it applies to your W. Have you observed any changes in her? What about your 180's?
Interesting FY. You would assume the SA would be the primary issue. My W issue is solely the mother (sort of). My FIL had problems with alcohol when W was a teen. He was the primary nurturer in the family. So he's no longer in that role and MIL was her normal, me first, bitter self. W was/is not loved unconditionally by her mother. That has to hurt. W was never smart enough, pretty enough, etc.
I think your plan of action is all you/we can do. Be the type of h only a fool would leave. Show them what unconditional love means.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Have you observed any changes in her? What about your 180's?
My wife seems to be slooooowly getting more comfortable around me. More eye contact, more at ease, slightly more willingness to open up or do stuff together. Progress is very slow, so it's hard for me to tell for sure. Plus, there's always a step back here and there.
My 180's have been ongoing and steady, nothing new... just kinda fine tuning as we go. Most people have been advising me to stay the course. Did you have something in mind?
Originally Posted By: Mtnman
My W issue is solely the mother (sort of). My FIL had problems with alcohol when W was a teen. He was the primary nurturer in the family. So he's no longer in that role and MIL was her normal, me first, bitter self. W was/is not loved unconditionally by her mother. That has to hurt. W was never smart enough, pretty enough, etc.
While I think it's smart to be aware of these things, I don't think it's good to focus to much on them because we can't fix them. Our wives have to work through these issues for themselves. Besides, getting too hung up on these issues (which we can't control or "fix") prevents us from improving ourselves, and becoming better spouses.
In other news, my youngest sister, (W's BF) moved back into her H's home this weekend, after being in her own place for a year. Good news, I thought.
Wife, who's been coaching sis to make it on her own, seemed disappointed... said she's only doing it because of finances. When I talked with sis she sounded much more positive about it. When I asked her how things were going with hubby, she smiled and said "We're working on it."
I'm sure W knows way more about the details than I do. Lil' sis and I get along great but we don't talk much about her marriage issues.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
