My WAW - coming to terms with it all!

[WAW_SC]

So today my wife and I are going to a close friends wedding. This will be interesting to say the least.
She is currently away with her family and she arrives this afternoon but i dont imagine there will be any contact until we see each other at the wedding. This all feels so weird.
I dont have any reall strategy other than leaving her alone and if she wants to talk to me, then be friendly.
A lot of ours friends are just finding out about us so it will feel like there will be a lot of eyes on us which is a little strange.
Anyway, I plan to control my alcohol intake, look the sharpest and best i have ever looked and try not to make a big deal out of it all.

I just cant help but feel that this big strong front that my wife is putting on is not real and that she really must be pretty sad underneath. Her aunty just died, our marriage is breaking apart and now we have to go and face all of our friends this afternoon. No one can be that brave and strong, i just hope that she has a good way out letting out her pain and venting so that she doesnt bottle it all up.

Here goes....

[25yearsmlc]

So today my wife and I are going to a close friends wedding. This will be interesting to say the least.
She is currently away with her family and she arrives this afternoon but i dont imagine there will be any contact until we see each other at the wedding. This all feels so weird.
I dont have any reall strategy other than leaving her alone and if she wants to talk to me, then be friendly.
A lot of ours friends are just finding out about us so it will feel like there will be a lot of eyes on us which is a little strange.
Anyway, I plan to control my alcohol intake, look the sharpest and best i have ever looked and try not to make a big deal out of it all.

I would give yourself a specific limit on how much...like no more than 2 drinks. I mean it. I am sure you're a big guy and all, but the emotions MUST be in check for this event. I'd take NO chances...

and remember the day is more about your friend's marriage than your possible divorce. Please show up for THEM, and assume your wife is doing the same...

Good luck...and YES look your best. Look happy for your friend too...even if it is hard. It's what good close friends do.

I just cant help but feel that this big strong front that my wife is putting on is not real and that she really must be pretty sad underneath. Her aunty just died, our marriage is breaking apart and now we have to go and face all of our friends this afternoon. No one can be that brave and strong, i just hope that she has a good way out letting out her pain and venting so that she doesnt bottle it all up.


Aside from mind reading that deflects from what you ought to be doing which is YOUR WORK and YOUR GAL,

she is also NOT your responsibility right now. She never was within your control and certainly is not now so there is NO point in wondering...

You and your choices are all you have to worry about right now...so

focus on how YOU are GAL and moving forward, (never to be confused with giving up)..

Here goes....

.. Be ready to tell friends who ask, something upbeat that you are doing. Talk about some GAL things you are doing (even if they are still in the 'planning" stages...)

Don't bring others down at a wedding...No tearful scenes please. It takes from the wedding party what ought to be THEIR day...and it makes the road home, harder for your wife.

You want to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...remember that.

BUT IF & ONLY

someone presses you, about the situation, then talk about

how you are, in fact, facing a "marital challenge, BUT..." you are "hopful that it'll sort itself out" and then you ask them about THEIR Lives...

AND OR

if someone comes out and asks you if you are divorcing, you can say "I sure hope not"

AND OR if they say they heard you were divorcing,

concede you're facing a "marital challlenge" or "hit a really rough spot, not sure how it'll go BUT you remain hopeful" and again

change topics/ask them about THEIR lives and if they are pushy and or borderline rude (Or if they have had too much to drink)

mention how you really want to be supportive for the bride and groom...and "help them celebrate, like good friends are supposed to do..."

Other possible answers...

"Hope not, b/c we've loved each other/been together, a long time"...

"it's been hard but so much of it has been good, I'll never regret marrying her..."
(even if you don't feel that way, at a WEDDING, that is what you say)

RE SEEING YOUR WIFE--

if your wife confronts you, or if she seems overtly acting awkward, or worried,

maybe take her aside and just agree (in advance if possible)

not to mention things being so "strained" between you, for the sake of the friend's special day...

Do not do it in a way that "assigns blame" to her.

Be clear that your goal is about you wanting to reassure HER that you're fine for the day and she need not worry that you will be emotional...

and if she "acts happy" she may be doing it for the friend's sake. It's the right thing to do, remember?

(IMO, no one should mind read or "interpret" others behavior, at a friend's wedding...)

YOU want to have some fun and you know you both could use some (your wife has had a rough time lately, so why not ENJOY this wonderful party your friends are having?)

AND truly, you both ought to have some fun at your friend's joyful day.

I doubt she'll insist on announcing something or "making sure" no one is confused about your r...

b/c she'll get that it's NOT about her feelings or wanting out of the marriage...not that day.

That day, that time,

is about you both being close friends of people who are celebrating their brave, daring leap into marriage.

I think you can both rise above it.

I know I had to at my brother's wedding. My h acted all happy and go lucky...I wanted to throw a drink in his face...but alas, my dress was expensive and he had a tux on...

I cannot over emphasize how important it is, that you NOT drink too much...(hey, drown your sorrows LATER...or celebrate a great time...LATER....)

but keep those emotions in check. Show restraint and control over YOURSELF and don't worry about others problems...they're not yours.

GOOD LUCK!!

PS

have some fun!




ps

OH NO!!!!!...

I just read that you are going TODAY!!

So unless you live far West of me, or they are marrying REALLY late... I'm too late. Yikes...sorry...

Well, maybe there's a nugget in there for other social settings you'll find yourself in...(there will be more)

or maybe someone else will benefit.

Hope it went alright!!!

[WAW_SC]

Hey there 25yrsmlc ,

Thanks for all your great advice. For the most part, it didnt go too bad, but I wish i got your advice before the day!!

Arrived at the wedding and my W was already there in amongst our friends. SAid hi to everyone and when i finally got to her, I just said hi and she extended herself for a kiss on the cheek. It was an awkward moment as we havent made that kind of physical contact in months. I gave her a kiss and just asked a few questions about the boys to roll over the awkward moment.

The ceremony had me almost in tears, the whole explanation of love, the rings etc. Lucky i had my sunnies on. I held it together and my wife said to be having absolutely no difficulty and seemed to be enjoying the moment. After the ceremony i had to take a break call my sister and pull myself together.

Unfortunately, lots of friends asked how things were going and I gave them a little more info than required. W gave them a nice an brief break down and gave them more detail. Silly.

I should have used the great lines you suggested. I noticed my wife talking a lot and socialising and enjoying the booze. She is always a great socialiser and can talk to anyone. It took me a few drinks to relax into the evening and I overheard my wife explaining to others how we had separated and we were now just trying to make it easy for the boys.

I spoke with her a few times towards the end and kept the conversation light and tried to smile and have a good time, but she was a much better actor than me. But i wondered, maybe she isnt acting and she has accepted the situation and is getting on with life. This could actually be the case as her resolve and her brave face never faulted. We went out after the wedding and I joined a small group of friends and her for one final drink and left. I could tell she was already pretty drunk and probably wanted to keep going.

So after a terrible nights sleep, i then met up with W to pick up kids the next day. Saw her family, they are still really nice to me but her parents are a little withheld which i can understand.

On the way home I realised that the marriage is over, W has made her mind up and I understand and empathise with her fear of getting back with me. Her resolve and focus are just much too strong and the look in her eyes and the way she looks at me, I cannot see how things will change. My behaviour at various points of last year was terrible and she has justified that she no longer needs to put up with it.

I decided to take my ring off this evening, it doesnt feel exactly right but its symbollic to me as a way to accept that i do not see how my wife could ever change her mind and that it feels like there is too much distance between us to reconcile and fall in love again.
THis does not stop me from making more positive changes in my life and I am scared of getting stuck in mentality of thinking that we will get back together. The only way there could be any chance is if she had an epiphany and recognised her role in marriage breakdown. I dont see it happen.

You said it perfectly a few posts ago....EXPECT NOTHING. I read some stuff about the 5 stages of grief in divorce, and I guess i feel like i need to move beyond the denial and anger stages, through the depression phase and onto acceptance.

I will keep reading through posts on this website and I am picking up my DR and DB next week, but I guess i have to face the facts now and realise it would take a miracle to piece this marriage together and I cant hold my breath and I need to move on, be a better me and GAL.

My journey continues.

[WAW_SC]

I wonder if my "acceptance" of this marriage being over is detachment or is it "giving up?"

It somehow feels like i have come to terms with it today and I am ready to take on the reality of the situation more so than last week. Man, this is such an emotional roller coaster !

Although the next few months will not be easy at least I can accept that I have no expectations other than being able to communicate well with my W and keep it amicable for the Kids. If we can stay friendly and I dont have to deal with any surprise news of a OM then I feel like i will be okay as long as I stay focused on MY changes, and allowing myself to forgive and love myself. It feels right to move forward with this attitude and accept this reality.

I think the hardest part will be unemotional nature of the conversations I will have with my W, the coldness of it, like talking to neighbour or acquaintance. I will just keep any emotions that I have in check and go with the flow.

[25yearsmlc]

I wonder if my "acceptance" of this marriage being over is detachment or is it "giving up?"


Giving up, and accepting that it's over are pretty much the same thing as far as I can tell. And it's very premature for you to do that. You said you wanted to work on being patient. You should.

You can accept that SHE thinks it is over...

like you thought, when you left the home, and when you told her you wanted a divorce...but it turns out, you changed your mind.

Can't she change hers? OF course she can...

Do the "math".

your consistent changes + sufficient TIME = change she can believe in.

you have NOT been consistently different or DBing,

OR for nearly enough time, for her to believe in much of anything different about you.

So change THAT^^ and then we can cross the other bridges...

It somehow feels like i have come to terms with it today and I am ready to take on the reality of the situation more so than last week. Man, this is such an emotional roller coaster !

Although the next few months will not be easy at least I can accept that I have no expectations other than being able to communicate well with my W and keep it amicable for the Kids.

this^^^ is a good goal.

SHOW her she can safely feel relaxed around you and then later, after that has been going on awhile, you build on it.



If we can stay friendly and I dont have to deal with any surprise news of a OM

STOP the "IF" stuff. Like "IF" she does/says X, or you think she does/says X, then you get a free pass to lose your head. You don't.

You WILL have to deal with things that come your way in life.

(Or you can keep losing it, AND maybe losing the people you love.)

You have no control over her, but YOU DO Control you. So Start acting like it.

Do not set this up as if what she does MIGHT "make" you lose your temper Or get all depressed again.

Don't you see how little responsibility you are taking for YOUR choices and YOUR behavior and YOUR reaction? Stop that.

You must Take charge of your life. (No one else will).

OWN your life and OWN YOUR choices. No more blaming and no more measuring. So if you apologize for something, don't follow it with an accusation or blame assignment to her.

Just work on YOU. Stay in your sandbox. That alone will be new and she will notice it.

Know that you will be fine, AND in charge of yourself, no matter what she does or says, or what you THINK she is doing/saying...you will make healthy loving smart choices.

No one "makes" you do or say anything but you. And know that you won't make a choice you later regret...no more of that!


then I feel like i will be okay as long as I stay focused on MY changes, and allowing myself to forgive and love myself.

don't give yourself the loophole if "if w does/says 'x', THEN I can..."

b/c you MUST stay focuessed on YOUR changes and only yours. You must grow and improve no matter what she is doing.

Part of that is forgiving...and learning from your mistakes.

But By continuing to put your focus on what she MIGHT do or say, and how you THEN won't be able to handle yourself, you prevent your own progress.


It feels right to move forward with this attitude and accept this reality.


what's the "reality"?

That your marriage is in crisis? True...that she thinks she wants out and she fears you won't change for real? True...

But how about for now, you just work on the need to stabilize things. Okay?

(So NO decisions on your end, unless mandated by law or parental urgency)

Help HEAL and then rebuild friendship with your wife. She has to feel safe with you. So stop mind reading!

Take her words at face value for that moment in time and respect her expressed wishes.

The more you take the temperature of the relationship, the worse you make it for both of you.


I think the hardest part will be unemotional nature of the conversations I will have with my W, the coldness of it, like talking to neighbour or acquaintance.

Why such bad expectations?

it's one thing to not have high hopes, it's another thing to project/expect bad things that can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

IOW, Why not be friendly, warm and upbeat around your wife and kids?

Why not be fun around her? As long as it isn't in the form (or appearance) of pursuit or pressure, what is the risk?

It's not being "in denial" to be pleasant or upbeat. It's just being pleasant and upbeat, "now & from this day forward", which shows change on your end.

No more harping on the negative, or expecting it, which she has seen a lot of from you already. it's a depressing thought pattern that you CAN change.

I think expectations of positive behavior CAN be good IF AND WHEN they impact YOU and your behavior positively...


I will just keep any emotions that I have in check and go with the flow.

Try harder not to project so much so negatively...

Make those changes. And btw, did you ever apologize to her for your bad behavior, for real?

I mean, an apology that wasn't followed by an assignment of HER share of the blame

or a comment like "of course YOU had your flaws too!"...?

Did you ever just talk about your stuff and own it, to HER?

IF so, how did it go?

[WAW_SC]

Wow 25yrsmlc.
Somehow you manage to say the rights things and give me a good kick in ar$e. Your wisdom and advice is appreciated...you could do this for a living!
I must admit i am finding very difficult, I think its clear to me that I am still pretty mixed up and not focusing enough on myself and still preoccupied with my wife. I am going to write up some goals and small steps tonight to help me break out of this cycle.

You are right, I am projecting negative thoughts but I am still trying everyday to get better. I only see my W twice a week and I especially make sure that I am upbeat when i see her. I think this weekend knocked me out and I lost track.
Its okay, I will just start again and stop making the same mistakes and continue to improve myself.

"And btw, did you ever apologize to her for your bad behavior, for real?"
I am pretty sure I have acknowledged my wrong doings to her, but a straight forward sincere apology .. not too sure. I have apologised for things during conversations, but not directly and simply for my behaviour and the pain and hurt I haver caused her. I was probably stuck trying to justify why i behaved that way, rather than just take it on and own it.
It will be tricky to do that since we dont speak much these days, and conversations re: M put pressure on her which she is not interested in taking on at the moment.

I guess there will be a time and place to make that clear and simple apology with no expectations or blame etc. I will wait patiently for that moment.

Meanwhile, back to trying to get my sh!t together, and focusing less on what she might be thinking, saying or doing. I can only control me and I can only change me.

Thanks once again 25yrsmlc.

[WAW_SC]

Just a quick question to all out there.

I recently learnt about the 5 love languages and it is clear to me that my wifes love languages are "acts of service"and words of affirmation"

Considering the situation we are in now where she does not really want to see too much of me, feels tremendous pressure about the marriage and has made up her mind to not continue our M and taken off her ring, Is there any point on speaking her love languages? Is it too late for that?

Or is it better to focus on my 180's and getting a PMA/ GAL instead?

Just curious! Wth so many R strategies out there it gets confusing as to which to apply and how many of them to take on. At the moment my main strategies are 180's, GAL and detach.

Any help would be appreciated.

[jaytee35]

WAW_SC,

Definitely to late for the love languages.

At this point anything you do that even remotely has signs of trying to fix the marriage will be percieved as manipulating her into changing her mind for your own good.

I too am in a situation where the WAW took off her ring and has said she has no interest in marriage counseling or fixing the marriage. She is set on the D.

Our only chance of getting them back at this point is to GAL and let them go...Sounds crazy and trust me I still think it is. But I do understand the philosophy to let them go and if it is meant to be they will come back.

If it is not meant to be, Make sure you are taking a step back and acknowledging what you did to hurt the M. So then you can use this gift of time to help yourself and make you a better person.

GAL, Detach, Let her go.......Trust me its hard...I am doing the same thing as we speak

M 33
w 32
M 5 months
S 1 month

[25yearsmlc]

WAW_SC,

Definitely to late for the love languages.


I completely disagree with this^^^. You still have interactions. You have children. You can verbalize appreciation for anything she does that helps you or the kids. Those are 'words of affirmation". In fact I'll pass on what my DB coach told me to do, which was to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does". Sounds gimmicky and it is NOT easy to do, but it helps.

Do it without any expectations of reciprocity and make that clear by either writing it in a quick note or text or saying it on your way out the door. That way she'll know you were not standing there hoping for "payback".

Similarly, if there are ANY repairs or errands she usually does OR has to ask you to do, (car repairs, picking something or someone one up, getting the medicine, the dog groomed, etc)

then YOU do them before she asks AND you don't make a big deal about how hard it was or what a sacrifice it was. That way it will look like a genuinely kind action of yours, and Not a tactic.

Make sense?


At this point anything you do that even remotely has signs of trying to fix the marriage will be percieved as manipulating her into changing her mind for your own good.

Sorry but I disagree with this^^ as well. "Anything you do"...means he should do nothing? Look, it's not going to be seen As manipulation if it is done correctly.

You are trying to show her you are CHANGING...otherwise it's more of the nothing from you to her.

Too many LBSers decide to hold TIGHT to the "don't pursue!" mantra and basically talk themselves into doing nothing new or different

but they self righteously tell themselves they are "standing for their marriage" when in realtiy they are giving in to inertia, and complacency--which is at best, what got them where they are in the first place.

I too am in a situation where the WAW took off her ring and has said she has no interest in marriage counseling or fixing the marriage. She is set on the D.

Our only chance of getting them back at this point is to GAL and let them go...Sounds crazy and trust me I still think it is. But I do understand the philosophy to let them go and if it is meant to be they will come back.

GAL and detaching are key but they are not in a vacuum. When there are children, there are interactions.

If there has been mistreatment, as is the case here, then NEW behaviors around her are essential. Period.


If it is not meant to be, Make sure you are taking a step back and acknowledging what you did to hurt the M. So then you can use this gift of time to help yourself and make you a better person.

GAL, Detach, Let her go.......Trust me its hard...I am doing the same thing as we speak

M 33
w 32
M 5 months
S 1 month

[25yearsmlc]

Just a quick question to all out there.

I recently learnt about the 5 love languages and it is clear to me that my wifes love languages are "acts of service"and words of affirmation"

Considering the situation we are in now where she does not really want to see too much of me, feels tremendous pressure about the marriage and has made up her mind to not continue our M and taken off her ring, Is there any point on speaking her love languages? Is it too late for that?

Ask yourself if you actually believe you should "ignore" her love languages? IF & WHEN you get a chance, without maneurvering her into a position or controlling it, but when it arises naturally,

of course you ought to be more verbally affirming. Compliment her. Do it in a sincere way like I described above.

And of course you can be more accomodating as opportunities arise with the children...those are chances to do acts of service.

Are you trying to justify doing nothing new b/c "it's too late"

or are you confusing detachment with Not caring? They are not the same.

You must recall that you are changing...let her see it (But never point it out).



Or is it better to focus on my 180's and getting a PMA/ GAL instead?


"Instead"?

Why would you have to choose between ^^^^these?

Do them all. There is no conflict.

Just curious! Wth so many R strategies out there it gets confusing as to which to apply and how many of them to take on. At the moment my main strategies are 180's, GAL and detach.


GAL and detachment are primarily (not exclusively, but mostly) about self protection. THey are FOR YOU. They are not aimed at her, and she may not be aware of any of them.

The 180s are about becoming a better you. WIth or without her.

SOME of the 180s will also undermine her negative images of you and in that, you are trying to contrast those negative images with positives.
But you also must treat her better (which sadly, is a 180).

Don't ignore her and be curt and tell yourself that is "detachment" B/C it's really just lousy treatment and more of the same negatives.

Don't fuel her negative images of you.

Undermine her data so she realizes not so much that she was wrong about you but that her data about you is NOW OUT OF DATE b/c you are a changing man.

Be less predictable and be kinder, warmer, more loving around her.

But know that a man who is LOVING is not waiting around for HIS needs to be met as payback. Real love is giving...without expectation

Any help would be appreciated.

BELOW, is a piece on detachment that might help you.

LATER on, we can discuss a real "sack and ashes" apology from you, which I think is mandatory, but must be done right.


This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."