My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have a daughter, 17 months old. I am in my medical residency at the moment and I work ~60-80 hours most weeks right now. I have been aware of some dissatisfaction on the part of my wife for a little while, but I had been working on shaping up (and by her admission, I was doing a good job of it!)
Then, a few days ago, on 3/25/13, she told me she wanted a divorce. I was not expecting that whatsoever. And she insists that there is not one shred of hope left for our marriage. She wants out, she thinks it will be easier on her own.
I don't want this. I love my family dearly and I am willing to do whatever I possibly can to fix this, if at all possible.
I need some help. I'm getting very mixed messages. My parents want me to hire a lawyer. I'm not interested in that yet. I still feel like there is hope. This is just so sudden that it is impossible for me to believe that it could all just be over at the drop of a hat like that. In the past few days I've been an emotional disaster. Crying, pleading, writing letters, all that stuff that I know now doesn't work.
I purchased the Divorce Remedy the other day and had it overnighted to my house. I purchased coaching sessions today. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do. My coaching session is on Tuesday morning (4/2/13) and I'm eagerly awaiting that time. In the meantime, I've been reading the book...
It seems based on what my wife is saying to me, and what the book is saying, that I am already at the stage of needing the last-resort technique. Anyone care to comment?
I really need help. Thanks everyone.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
It seems based on what my wife is saying to me, and what the book is saying, that I am already at the stage of needing the last-resort technique. Anyone care to comment?
YES
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon
Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up
Don't do anything based on your emotion of the moment.
Come up with a quick sentence to let your parents know you appreciate their concern but you will figure this out in the best way for you. Don't share a lot with them about what's going on.
Post often to get out of moderation quicker and to keep your posts on the front page. Comment on other posts so people get to know you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Her specific complaints about the marriage, thus far, have been varied. One, she says I am emotionally distant. Next, she says I don't keep up with my fair share of household duties including childcare. Also, she says that I am incapable of change. Complicating things are a few superimposed situations--she is strongly attracted to a co-worker who she shares and office with, and while she says that this is an unreciprocated attraction, it is distracting her from our relationship nontheless. Also, she recently got accepted into a PhD program. The bomb came only a week or so after her acceptance letter; the timing couldn't be more suspect. She says that being a "single parent" will be better for our daughter than being in a loveless house.
My response is that our house is very loving, but I will be happy to do what it takes to make it better.
I had no idea she was so far gone!
So far, I have tried a lot of things. We have had the long, drawn-out fights, as well as some long, seemingly productive conversations. I have written letters, e-mails, and texts. A few weeks ago we had a discussion about my part around the house (looking back now, this was clearly a prelude to what was to come, but I didn't see it at the time), and she said basically that I wasn't pulling my weight, so I made a huge effort to do more housework. She said at one point that I was doing a great job with regards to that, but the day that she dropped the bomb, she told me that all the stuff I've been doing around the house and with our daughter has only shown her of her own resolve. She says I'm just throwing myself into this to save us, and as soon as she agrees to work on it, I will go back to my old ways. She believes I am incapable of change.
After I got DR, I realized that I need to stop going down cheese-less alleys--I'm done with the clinginess, the need for constant communication, which I can see is paradoxically pushing her away. I think the improved work on the home front is a good change and one that I need to make for myself regardless, so I intend to continue that regardless. But I've been trying to cut out as much communication as possible except that directly related to our daughter. I can sense that this might be having an effect. I've been working pretty hard on radio silence for the past couple days and today she actually sent me a text asking me basically if I had been home because she thought something in the house had changed while she was napping. (I was at work the whole time, nothing had changed). She finished the text with "I thought we might have missed you for some reason." I don't know why but I take that as a small positive sign that my absence and decrease in communication has been noted. Maybe I'm just scouring over every interaction for clues.
At any rate, I have an appt with Chuck on Tuesday morning. I can't wait. I'm really eager to speak with him for a little more guidance... I feel adrift right now.
Thanks everyone.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
Wow... So things are getting scary... She just took off her wedding/engagement rings... She wants to "talk" tonight. Seeing as to how she hasn't initiated a single conversation since this whole thing began, I can see this either being a sign that my radio silence has been working, or she is about to drop some scary bad news on me... Will update you all. Thanks everyone.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
The conversation last night initially went very poorly. She told me what she has been saying all along, which is that she wants out. She upped the ante, saying that she is going to start looking for an apartment today. I told her I understood. I was very calm, tried to remain positive, not look like I was hurting. I made the conversation very short and I basically said that unless she had anything new to say, I was going to leave so I could process. I went out and talked with some friends and when I came home, we ended up talking for a couple hours about life, how we have gotten to this point, what is wrong with us, and all that. I feel like it was a very productive conversation, and I think that some things were said that were very eye-opening to both of us. It was a very civil talk, without any extreme emotions being tossed around. At the end she still felt the same way she did at the beginning (that she was sure she wanted out, she was going to start looking for an apartment, etc), but she did say that she still needed to "process" a lot of what was said. I'm not really sure how to take that.
One thing she has kept repeating was that I can't change, that we have been drifting apart for years, that she has tried to show me she was unhappy and I've been blind and that she has done all the work in our relationship without reaping any of the benefits. I want to give so badly right now.
In DR Michele says something really insightful about loving your spouse the way THEY want to be loved. I think we have both been loving each other the way WE want to be loved. I want to provide for and protect her, that is how I show my love. She wants to be supported emotionally more and have a life fully of excitement. I realize now (probably too late) that to really love my wife, I have to love her on her terms, and I never really understood what that meant before.
I am going to let her have what she wants. I hope she can change her mind or see the change in me and us.
I am very sad but I am keeping a strong face in front of her and my daughter at this point.
Tomorrow morning is my first session with my DB coach. I can't wait. I think it will be very helpful.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
[quote=Incandenza]Complicating things are a few superimposed situations--she is strongly attracted to a co-worker who she shares and office with, and while she says that this is an unreciprocated attraction, it is distracting her from our relationship nontheless. [/quote
Inc, I'm confused. On your other thread (on the "Infidelity" forum), you said that your wife was having an emotional affair. Here, this sounds more like unrequited pining. Which is it? While most would tell you that there's really no difference between an EA and a PA (and for women, particularly, a strong EA can even be harder to overcome), there's a HUGE difference whether or not these two are mutually in an EA with each other or if this is just your wife pining for a co-worker.
Also, you are working 60-80 hour weeks while you pursue your residency, and your wife feels like you should do more around the house??? WTH ?????
It sounds like either:
a) The two of you were never on the same page as to what was going to be expected while you pursued your medical degree; or
b) Your wife is doing the classic "re-writing of marital history" that is prevalent in nearly all affairs.
WAS she on-board with the arrangement before she met this co-worker? Did the two of you discuss and agree upon what each of your roles were going to be and what your career plans and marital plans were going to be?
Have you read the Love Languages book? You can begin to understand her LL and interact with her in that way, or from that place inside you.
One thing she has kept repeating was that I can't change, that we have been drifting apart for years, that she has tried to show me she was unhappy and I've been blind and that she has done all the work in our relationship without reaping any of the benefits. I want to give so badly right now. This is the heart of the matter, but there are 2 sides to this story. This "she has tried to show me she was unhappy" doesn't ever work but she was probably taught that to state your needs is weak and needy. (is she in a science also?) That's just for background, you can't fix her.
What you wrote above is great. You're on the right path even tho I'm sure it seems you must do something to stop the hemorrhaging.
Give her time and space. Be kind, loving and courteous when you're together.
You can change but it will take her awhile to see and believe it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
