i am able to see more clearly how our faults rubbed up against each other and slowly aggravated and harmed our intimacy.
NG, I feel what you are saying here. When I am able to distance myself, and think about things less emotionally I can see how both us, not just me, aggravated our relationship.
As of late, I have really started to feel and see the benefits of everything we talk about here...detaching, GALing and acting as if. Its starting to feel less as if and more, the new me. I cant imagine going back to being the person I used to be. And I appreciate so much more the value of friendship and love that I have in my life. You certainly seem to be embracing the love and blessings in your life and I think that is the way to go.
Keep on keeping on NG (((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
love your strength, inside. sometimes i wish i could just sit here quietly with an air of confidence that i am the better choice and carry on a friendship with my X based on that... i have tried at times but honestly have not been able to, i am not sure if that is an area of growth for me or if it is just not ever going to be me.
busting, since i wrote that, i have been struggling a bit. i watched a movie about a guy with PTSD (Adam Sandler) after he lost his family in 9/11. he developed a strong defense of denial which kept him safe but alone. it triggered for me some feelings i had about how i handled things (avoided grieving, cut out family and friends and moved alone cross country) after my parents died within a year of each other and i cried a lot watching the movie, allowing myself to both grieve my parents and have compassion for my younger self.
since watching the movie yesterday and into today, i have missed X a bunch too. i think it is natural to miss our SO when we are feeling and facing pain. those unhealed parts of ourselves can really come up during our sitches and create great pain but also great opportunities for healing. i am hoping that i get through the missing today to get to the healing.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
sometimes i wish i could just sit here quietly with an air of confidence that i am the better choice and carry on a friendship with my X based on that... i have tried at times but honestly have not been able to, i am not sure if that is an area of growth for me or if it is just not ever going to be me.
((((((NG))))) I can so relate to what you are feeling ^^^^^. I have asked myself this as well. But if I change my POV a bit, I can say - So what if I am not able to get to that point of confidence in knowing that I am the better choice for my H. Perhaps I will never be able to be friends with him. Should that be my end goal? Isn't that keeping the focus on HIM?
On the other hand, perhaps I am not the better choice for him after all and perhaps it will always be painful to be around him.
I don't have the answer now and if I dwell on it, I will feel worse. It's hard, but it's part of acceptance and loving myself and being OK with where I am at at this point.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
i think it is natural to miss our SO when we are feeling and facing pain. those unhealed parts of ourselves can really come up during our sitches and create great pain but also great opportunities for healing. i am hoping that i get through the missing today to get to the healing.
Yes! You are so right! I sometimes wonder why it still hurts so much, but your focus is dead on. It should be an opportunity for growth. I want to heal and sometimes I beat myself up for not being completely healed, but that is ok. You are ok and have come a long way, don't you think? The word patience has taken on a different meaning for me. I am no longer thinking about patience re. my sitch with my H and healing our R; I am thinking about having patience with myself to go through my healing process at my own pace - no pressures, no timelines.
(((((((((NG))))))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Also, wanted to add a comment to what you wrote here.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
since watching the movie yesterday and into today, i have missed X a bunch too. i think it is natural to miss our SO when we are feeling and facing pain. those unhealed parts of ourselves can really come up during our sitches and create great pain but also great opportunities for healing. i am hoping that i get through the missing today to get to the healing.
YES!! When we're in a hole, we notice all these things but it's our job to get out of that hole. That dark place just makes all our negative thoughts fester!
I suggest you make a list (wasn't it Zig who came up with a bunch of lists?). This list will be things you will do to snap out of it. First you need to identify what got you in the hole. Let's say it was the movie...
Ok so if you're planning on watching a sad movie be prepared for the water works and pull out your list and makes plans to do it ALL, if need be!
I'm a chicken and avoid the movie all together. I've been wanting to watch The Change-Up and what's that one with George Clooney and he finds out his wife cheated on him? Anyway, I deleted them on my DVR cuz I'm too freaked out about feeling sad, deep dark sad.
However when I do get sad, I quickly tell myself 'this feeling will pass. I've gotten out of this rut before.' And I DO! Everytime I do it's a little fast than before.
I hope this helps ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
That dark place just makes all our negative thoughts fester!
I suggest you make a list (wasn't it Zig who came up with a bunch of lists?). This list will be things you will do to snap out of it. First you need to identify what got you in the hole. Let's say it was the movie...
Ok so if you're planning on watching a sad movie be prepared for the water works and pull out your list and makes plans to do it ALL, if need be!
Helps me! Great advice - saved me tonight. Will start digging myself out tomorrow.
Hi NG I agree completely with what Val said and bug reiterated. You are better without using any benchmarks of W or OW. Love you NG ((((((( ))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
[ The word patience has taken on a different meaning for me. I am no longer thinking about patience re. my sitch with my H and healing our R; I am thinking about having patience with myself to go through my healing process at my own pace - no pressures, no timelines.
love this kg. i have a tendency to beat myself up that i am not further along in this process, that i can not be friends with STBX... patience with this process has been hard for me... and oh so humbling. yes, no pressure and no timelines.. i like that. thank you dear friend.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
