DBing, European style

[25yearsmlc]

Papa

I had not seen Sandi's post or your previous one, when I post to you. If I had, I'd have put a lot of capital letters in it.

You have not made much progress in the temper department and it's going to be your undoing for sure, if you do not change that NOW.

Your anger is not your friend, so lose the anger. Especially in front of her. If you want to show her a good catch, then be one.

Here's what my DB coach told me and I pass it on to you...

1) lose the anger.

(The more you show it, the more you validate her reasons for leaving you. So far the only thing you have changed is your wording about moving on and being fine with or without her...Your actions show the truth...)

2) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does. So if she spends ANY work time with the kids, you verbalize gratitude for it.
compliment her too...at work she gets positive feedback and those accolades keep her there instead of home. What does she get at home?

I used to punish my h for working late b/c I thought it was selfish. I worried that if I welcomed him home warmly that I'd be rewarding him for selfish behavior. Sometimes he HAD stay late but other times, maybe it was for ego reasons. But so what?

MY APPROACH of literally/figuratively answering the door with arms crossed did NOT get him home more. My approach was failing...so,

WHY didn't I welcome him home warmly and lovingly with my arms wide open?
Why didn't I change my approach?

(B/C I thought I was "right", not to....)

3) Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...

4) Speak to her, OR show her, love in her "love language". If you can get a copy of Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages" it'll help.

5) GAL and I mean, for real.

It'll help you with a real PMA and it might lessen your temper tantrums. (Sorry but that is exactly how it felt to me...like a little boy stomping around threatening to screw OWs...not attractive).

And

6) Be less predictable. Perhaps you can figure out a way to work out of the home more or earn more OR not be around so much....

The stay at home dad is NOT always seen as progressively attractive as we like to tell ourselves. Some are not seen as virile and strong.

I've seen it work well, twice.

Both men who stayed at home had "jobs" they did on their own time or on weekends. They made some money or were very artsy/musical.

More importantly, they were very secure in who they were, very artsy and or scientific, attentive to their wives, and not easily angered or threatened. (Both wives were doctors, btw. So money wasn't a big problem.)

I've seen the stay at home dad thing, fail more than succeed.

But when it works, it's pretty cool to see. Most of that will change soon no matter what she does.

It has to. You have to change.

7) Last but not least, be the best father you can be. Your kids need you now more than ever, and no woman is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children with their father. No manager at work will ever have that going for him...

but if you blow it with your anger, you might really be blowing it...so again, see your anger for what it is, not a strength, but a weakness.

If you cannot control what comes out of your mouth, what can you do to show her a changed man?

Get the tools you need to work on this. Get on meds, whatever it takes...but make that change ASAP...