About being "right" is quite the contrary. That is what she said and I was very surprised that she listened to that statement. I blurted that out and I actually regretted saying it because it came out of anger after she told me about the OM. This was during the visit when her and the kids came to Germany to visit me (1-3 Mar). I felt it was definitely a huge step backwards by saying that to her. I'm really not trying to focus on her problems, just her feelings.
I know better than that with all I've read in DR and what I'm learning in the threads about "talking my way out." I know that my actions will be more important so that's why I need to keep working on me and also take advantage of an earlier trip to see my family. An "I told you so" won't be in my vocabulary at this point. It won't have any value to either one of us. I think mindreading is what has contributed to the sabotage of our M. So I'm not interested in that.
The apology was intended to just touch the tip, yes. I mean it's not like she said, "apology accepted." I wasn't expecting that for sure. I just needed to convey to her that I finally am starting to hear her for what I've done.
I will not fall back. I'm not proud of that behavior. I've hurt the one that I loved and mattered to me more than anyone else. When I first met her, I swore she was my soulmate.
I like your suggestion of what to say to her. I'll use that.
Indeed I have work to do. I'm off to start reading 5LL now.
BTW, I asked in the earlier post if it would be a good idea for a gift for our A. What do you think? Too soon?
The apology was intended to just touch the tip, yes. I mean it's not like she said, "apology accepted." I wasn't expecting that for sure. I just needed to convey to her that I finally am starting to hear her for what I've done.
And that is a good start. Your apology won't really be "accepted" until she sees it in your actions.
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
I will not fall back. I'm not proud of that behavior. I've hurt the one that I loved and mattered to me more than anyone else. When I first met her, I swore she was my soulmate.
Ahh crapcicles.....Soulmates ??
Really ????
Yea, I would like to drop kick the Hollywood producer that coined that term, right in the nut sack....
Soulmates....
Like there really is a world, in which two people naturally mesh with each other, physically, and emotional , without exerting any effort whatsoever, and live happily ever after.
And I'm not trying to be fatalistic about this.
I just think that it is a pretty UN-realistic goal for a living , breathing, relationship, that evolves and changes according to the work that is put into it. And that the idea of soulmates, sure has sold a lot of movie tickets.
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
I like your suggestion of what to say to her. I'll use that.
That's cool, although I would really like for YOU to think that way before you use it.
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
BTW, I asked in the earlier post if it would be a good idea for a gift for our A. What do you think? Too soon?
Too soon....
The seeds that you sew today, will reap a harvest tomorrow, not today....
Google a "chinese bamboo tree" , and let me know what you learned.
I am appalled that you are shocked by how strong his W is.
She had no choice but to be that strong. And that strength, is what makes ending the M not as difficult or scary an option as might be with other WAS.
I sincerely apologize for my poor choice of words. I meant I admired how strong she was and shocked she lasted as long as she did. I didn't proofread my post, I was dealing with some new info from my own sitch but I should have read it before posting. I see how what I wrote came across very badly.
RS - I agree with Mach, you need to figure things out and use your own words. She'll see right through more words, especially if they're someone else's.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thanks for the good laugh about soulmates. I see the point and it is unrealistic.
I called to speak to S about his day and ask W if it would be OK to SKYPE with the kids. She liked the idea. I'm going to do it as an Easter surprise. My D & S will love it. Why I didn't do it before is beyond me. Another easy way to reach out and I didn't take advantage of it. I ended the conversation after that question and wished her a good evening and to have a good weekend and I hope she feels better(sick).
She then called me back after about 15 min. She asked me if I could remember what I gave her for her 35th B-day (last year). I honestly couldn't recall and neither could she. Then she told me about how she's been having back problems since she had to pick up a patient about a year ago and said she's been looking for a comfortable chair that will help with the pain (lazy boy style). Now to give some background, I suffered from severe back pain in 2006 that was so debilitating I couldn't get out of bed to go to work. This was the result of all the wear and tear aircraft maintenance had done to me after 14 years. So she had surprised me with a lazy boy chair and was so sneaky that she asked our neighbor to help her get it into the apartment before I came home from the physical therapist. I still recall it as one of the most unprovoked, selfless acts she's done for me. So with that story told, she's now asking if I can help her with the cost of a chair for her. I told her I understand the need for it, but I cannot afford to put forth any money as of now. I said perhaps by May I should be able to. She said she'd be grateful if I could cover half the cost. I said we'll see and left it at that. I understand her need but I'm cautious about the possessions issue. That's what got me into trouble in the first place. We then chatted about the kids and wished each other a good night. She said she'll talk to me again tomorrow evening.
Thanks for that Spartan. You're right. I wasn't planning on reading them verbatim though. But it was along the lines of how I tried to express myself last night. I am just trying not to say too much too soon. It's too tempting knowing we won't be seeing each other until May at the earliest.
I know one thing. if this all turns around for the better, I would gladly scrap possessions and career plans just so we can be a family together again.
I checked out the Chinese bamboo tree. A good story! I've also finished the 1st reading of 5LL. I've discovered that my language is Words of Affirmation. I'm figuring at this point W's language may be Quality Time. If not, then it's Receiving Gifts.
No phone conversation tonight from W. I would imagine after taking S & D on a trip out of town to a museum, they'd be a bit tired. Especially since W & D are getting over a cold. I sent a text to her just telling her that I was thinking of her and hoped they had a good day and to have a happy Easter tomorrow.
LOL! I know my language is for sure "words of affirmation" because I had a Turkish guy tell me today my Turkish is better than most Americans he's come in contact with. I've been glowing ever since. I didn't think it was that good.
Yeah, I came to that conclusion because I remember when she mentioned that I only give flowers on specific occasions. She said it would be nice to get them "just because" or "for no reason at all." The last time she got flowers from me was this time last year, our A. We had a nice dinner downtown and then walked past a flower stand and I asked her to pick out an arrangement she liked. She was quite happy. It may have been one of those moments where I was able to delay the doubt she had about us and I didn't even know what was going on. All that time I was yammering on about our future, my plans after the military and all she needed was quality time and a thoughtful gift.
Today is our 10th A. Here's what W sent me in a FB PM:
Good morning. Things might not have gone the way we wanted them to go. I still care about you. Happy 10 years. May we always be friends, best of friends. Hugs
Usually in the past we've tried to trump one another with an April Fool's joke. This year is obviously different. I'm planning on getting serious and rolling up my sleeves. I'm going to read 5LL again this week and get my notebook out and start Gary's homework. After of course the homework about myself. I've got to do some soul searching on that. I need a starting point and that will give me a foundation.
I haven't had a chance to speak with W about the A message she sent. I really don't know what to say but "thank you" and leave it at that. I'm working on me right now. I can't make any commitments to her and frankly I think she's not ready for that.
So I'll journal a bit...
I was thinking this morning that our marriage has been like my goal to finish my FAA certification. I had the permission to take the exams for over 10 years. There was always something that came up to preclude me from studying and I put off again and again and again. Now finally I'm getting to the end of my career and I needed to get it accomplished. Once I put my energy to studying and taking the first exam, I was like, "You've got to be kidding! It wasn't that difficult."
So I simply "needed to get off the ladder if I wasn't going to paint." Now that the initial fear and hesitation is over, I'm down to my last exam. I plan on finishing in May.
So with our marriage, I just need to start working hard and don't let anything get in my way to start the LL's and 180's to begin to show her I care enough to change my ways.
