Suckerpunch stage 3

[25yearsmlc]

Wow Sucker punch I am confused by you...

Before I go on about your posts, some of which I copied and will paste here, I need to remind you of something.

You were not an easy man to live with and she told you, often, that the fighting you seem to relish or engage in on a daily basis, the need to be right, which you admitted to, the belittling and criticizing you did, which hurt her deeply enough for her to leave, DID DAMAGE...

stop forgetting all this^^ and demanding another chance as if ALL of her comments to you were never before heard. In HER mind, she gave you plenty of chances.

in HER mind, and to an increasing extent MY MIND, you do revert to anger.

Your changes are superficial and that bothers me b/c I thought you had come farther.

But as I should have said, there's more to changing ourselves than remembering what NOT to do.

If you do not replace those "must avoid" behaviors with NEW POSITIVE HEALTHY behaviors

in times of stress or crisis, you will usually go back to what you know. And you have proved this.

That's why I hammer the need to find replacement role models (probably not in your immediate family, maybe a church or marriage support group??)

OR a workshop like Essential Experience, which PowerOfNow attended, as did Autumn Leaves and NavyGuy....and me, for years.

(H also went, after I went, and it's the closest we ever felt to each other. I still go every few years to do "team" for new people and to get a jolt of that energy and focus and perspective, again...)

I won't belabor this point b/c it'll sound like I"m selling you something or 'recruiting, but the fact remains you have NOT learned enough NEW healthy ways of handling conflict...and you are just too darn angry to see straight.

Let's look at your posts now...

You wrote:

undoubtedly she is turning to him. They met roughly a month or so before BD, and they have been communicating a lot ever since. My W is even taking my D to attend the soccer games that he coaches on occasion. They clearly have formed a friendship. BUT, I have not told my wife that she cannot date or speak with him. I DID tell that to him originally,


and you don't believe he told her? of course he did. And she resented it...

because it was very suspiscous that he somehow landed in our laps so shortly before BD and then appeared to be becoming one of Wifes BFF's. Since then, I have made it clear that he is free to do what he wants, just don't be sneaky about it and let me know before entering my property.

so what? I mean, this^^ is ALL about you controlling her and him...

You also wrote:


Well, I will agree that I am angry. I don't think any of this should be happening. I think it is foolish that my W won't even consider making any effort to save the relationship, no last chance, not even a second chance. That is a tough pill for me to swallow.


See my above comments. You have a short and selective memory of how you got here. You are not a victim of her whimsy or cruelty. She was, however, a victim of your critical nature and chronic belittling...stop forgetting.

And start telling your "friends" how it really was FOR HER...and what you are trying to learn and change about yourself.


Plus, seeing my D start to spiral out of control makes it even worse. You are darn right. I am ANGRY.

wonder how your d would be if your w had stayed and just kept on taking it from you...how good it was for the d to hear the frequent criticisms...

and in time, when she got older, how it would have affected her.

Maybe if you do change and stay lovingly healthy and not so quick to point out negatives, your d will have a good self esteem, will see the best in people and not expect life to sukk...or that everyone is taking advantage of her or that she's getting set up for failure...maybe you can help this happen...instead of blaming your wife for it, which is how it SOUNDS to me.

Why else are you 'angry" about your d's behavior instead of just parentally concerned?

You want to point out someone to blame, that's why. And that's the same old SP....

However, I think I have made HUGE strides towards hadnling my emotions. I have been relatively calm and collected. I am not sure why everyone feels that I have reverted back or made some mess again?

maybe we are ALL wrong...


I completely agree. W agrees too. I sent my D in to meet with a counselor, and she feels that W and I are doing many many good things in regards to this situation.

So, did YOU send your d to a c, or did you and your w agree to? Just curious b/c the way you worded it was that YOU did it, solo...

AND Btw, since you AND your w are "doing many good things", per the counselor, I'd say that is called GOOD news...


She also noted that D is regressing and acting out, which is completely age apropriate for a child going through this. That made my W feel better, but it made me feel like it is something that should have been avoided at any cost. I put my D first. W puts our D second, at least that is how I feel.
---

just b/c you feel that way does not make it true. You still have this need to be right and it pervades all your comments here.

Sorry buddy, but I'm not buying it.


So in effect, my arttorney believes my wife will get NOTHING from the house, nothing from the property and nothing from our business. She is not connected to any of it. All that remains as "community property" are our belongings inside the house, some vehicle debt and child support, which equates out at roughly $350 a month.


So why on earth are YOU so upset about the "costs" of everything if all she's going to get is $350 from you?

BTW, frankly, if you had to, you could earn that by working a few days a month at a fast food restaurant.

I mean, you are saying on one hand, that your w will get very little, and on the other hand you are talking about how broke the divorce will make you.

Which is it?


I am angry. I am hurt, and I do feel crappy. Just look at my replies above. It is just crushing me that there is no second chance, no ratinoal thought, no real clear view of how things will be after D.

stop catastophizing...good grief. "no rational thought"...on HER end?

She left an angry man with a large capacity for argument, a man who could be a drag to be around...a man who seemed to be getting more negative as time passed...a man who resented her for not earning enough...and man who wanted to control her...and then, She left that man. In HER eyes, and it's not irrational, she left a man who hurt her a lot but whom she loved a great deal, (which is why she waited til she could not take it anymore, to leave.)

"NOW HE SAYS" he is changing but he sure seems like the angry guy she left...

as for what her expectations are of how life will be afterwards, TIME and LIFE will show her that. It's not your job to do that.



My W is RIGHT NOW, out visiting with some of our guests, friends of ours as well as customers. She is having drinks and enjoying the sun and the property. I am on the same property running around doing work as normal....that is very very odd to me.

Oh...so let me get this straight...IF SHE is happy, that means she is taking your "share" of joy for herself? HER happiness is the inverse CAUSE of your misery. If she wins a contest, you LOST it...if she is happy or successful, you "lose"...what kind of scorecard is this?

She's not allowed to be happy if you aren't?? Oh that must be because She is in charge of how YOU feel, right? And if she was on YOUR property but miserable, that would be fine, right?

Buddy, you learned something awhile back, but it's like you forgot it.




And yes, I think my W will be burdened with work, trying to make ends meet. I will as well. Our spendable money will plummit and we will both have to take up the slack. That is a given, and I don't think that scenario is unrealistic.

You mean you incomes will "plummet" b/c you will have to pay her $350 a month? From what to what? I mean, you describe a lifestyle that $350 won't ruin...

if it is HER lifestyle that will sukk, then that is tragic. IF she's willing to live like that temporarily OR permanently, to be free of the marriage, I can see that it would hurt your ego to realize that. But I would stop critisizing her for it.



Therefore, time with D will be even less.....less than the 50% of her life that we will be "allowed" to spend with her.

b/c your w won't be a sahm mom anymore? But you seemed to resent her for not earning enough as it is...and you were pretty controlling with the money before, so...she's in a corner I guess. Not your problem though...if your d is living in a dangerous slum, THEN cross that bridge then...

Not all of it is your fault and I know she is making choices you don't like AND that you feel you are such a changed man now that it's in the best interests of the d for your wife to give you another chance.

But can you see how much harder YOU have made it for her to do that?



I also believe my W is holding very high expectations on her future success. No, I don't believe she is going to be earning 6 figures as an insurance agent in a very small agency.

^^^^mind reading, futurizing negatively and projecting. Just stop ALL of this. IT's totally counter productive.


I personally feel she is going to be hard pressed to live a comfortable lifestyle on her own. I feel my otlook on the future as far as finances go is grimm.


yeah we know...and I'm sure you've communicated your utmost confidence in her abilities too...(and that must have boosted her self esteem even more)....man, you need to REEL IT BACK IN buddy...

I feel that it is going to be extremely difficult at our ages to find a partner that isn't emotionally damaged from something similar to what we are going through, someone who probably has children that will need to blend with our D.

I don't know about you but I am older than you, and my belief is so different.

I'm a MUCH better wife and mother than I was before. So is my h. My brother is a better h now than he was with his first w, and my sister is much happier now with the h she has, than the critical h she had before.

She was deeply hurt when he left her, but she's happier now than she ever could have been with her first h...he nagged, he whined, he simpered, he criticized, and he FEARED THE WORST was always around the corner...waiting...he was smart and hardworking but HARD to be around...a real drag.

ALL these fears of yours...man, you need to see someone for this b/c YOU are spiralling and projecting...

you have fears YOU won't meet a decent woman to partner with, but that's not your wife's problem or fault.

You had her and she left, with cause. Don't keep blaming her...



My future GF/W will have to like my D. I will have to like hers. Our kids will have to like each other.

All true. Not impossible to do.

I have 2 siblings for whom those criteria were met. And that's how it is. They DO get along. The ones my brother or sister dated, who did not all get along, are gone. They married the ones they blended well with...and life went on.

I am not minimizing this challenge, but you are catastrophizing so much I feel the need to contrast it with some reality therapy.

You are NOT doing yourself or your cause a service by spiralling into a negative vortex...


My Wife will have to find a similar scenario. I don't know. Maybe I am being a pesimist, but that is how I feel it is going to go down. I think those are very real expectations....


um yes--you are absolutely being a pessimist...big time.

Super fun to be around!! Not...check out the website of Essential Experience ("EE") and get yourself there asap...or talk to PON and figure out a way to shift your paradigm on life, in a big meaningful way....before it's too late.