So, 25, if I understand correctly, you think that MC is the wrong way to go? It's ironic because I just mentioned to our MC last week that I thought it wasn't working in our case since all it seems to do is validate her feelings of wanting to get out, while relieving her of the guilt of what it will mean to break up her... OUR...family and start over again. I think MCs are best at making things as smooth as possible for separating/divorcing and NOT at finding a solution to very workable problems.
I've also been seeing quite a bit about detaching on this forum, but I can't seem to locate a dedicated thread about tips and hints for detaching. Perhaps it's just implied in the whole DB concept, but I can't recall seeing it all laid out as a process to be followed.
25, I've seen a number of your posts, and I gather from your signature that you successfully busted your D. You sound like a very intelligent, capable person (buttering, buttering) so maybe you could take a look at my thread and give me any feedback you might have? . (Or is actively soliciting advice from other forum members frowned uppn? If so, my apologies as a newbie to this BB and a disheartened man fighting an uphill battle.)
Keep a PMA everybody. It's always darkest before the dawn.
it's not frowned upon to ask for input. For awhile we had a buddy system wherein veterans would "adopt" a newbie
but it gets complicated with so many threads and I can only follow so many or I get confused by parties in similar BUT NOT identical situations. PLus some folks start more than one thread, which IS frowned upon b/c invariably they omit details in some threads that are relevant, and it's very hard to follow their stories then.
Always put a lot of info in your signature block to refresh everyone's memory on who you are and what happened.
Yes I DBd and we are still married. In 2006 I gave us a 10% chance of staying married. I had a Godsent DB coach and she helped me a great deal. I can't stress that enough. I also found a solution based therapist, eventually, who also supported me in a tough time. But even he was quicker to say "you can leave your marriage and stop DBIng and I'd suppport you." He said that a number of times but he also left room for me to keep trying...which I did.
I posted just recently about a development with our older children b/c I feel that i really overlooked their experience, in that I assumed the reconciliation between h and I would somehow "filter" to them...meaning that they'd forgive if I did. H and I attended Retrovaille and it only recently occurred to me that they did not, which means they did NOT see the breakthroughs in h, that I witnessed...
But that's not a topic for HERE...and we don't want to hijack someone's thread, (which is frowned upon) so yes I'll look at your situation when I get a chance.
Most people who post here have the odds against them.
But people who come here and DO what this program teaches, this solution based approach to problems, actually DO improve as individuals....there's a huge opportunity to turn your life around here
even if it does not save your present marriage...it will aid you in your interactions with your spouse as a co parent, and maybe as their friend and someday maybe as their spouse again...and all of that's worthwhile.
Plus the only real way to repair your marriage is to start repairing you and how you relate to your spouse.
Which is why the focus is SO geared towards ourselves first...also b/c you have NO control over your wife so the sooner you get that, the faster your progress o your work, will happen.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
. (Or is actively soliciting advice from other forum members frowned uppn? If so, my apologies as a newbie to this BB and a disheartened man fighting an uphill battle.)