DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Darn these emotional ambushes! Just when I feel I'm FINALLY starting to get the hang of the DB process, the trapdoor falls out from under my feet. Let me start from the beginning...

So, in the last week, ever since the MC had W look me in the eyes and tell me she wanted a D (grr...), I was keeping a PMA and GALing all over the place. I also mentioned to W that I was planning to end MC sessions and she was suprised. As I'm pretty sure I've mentioned, I feel that what the MC is doing is making it as easy as possible to S and D, without trying to work to find solutions to our problems, or at least giving W confidence that the problems are workable and make it clear to her what the consequences of a D are. We left MC with a plan to make a plan for what the situation would be like leading up to and post-D (sorry if I'm rehashing stuff I've already written before). That plan is like a sword hanging over my head, because it seems like anything I write, the W will simply accept as 'what I want', whereas... Well, you know...why else would I be here? Still, W wants to "at least take this step, either with MC or some other independent third party".

W had a few work-related outings this week, and I happily took care of things at home. It irked me that her assistant manager was among the people she went out with after work, but hey, I'm moving on. Then she mentioned that she would be working all next week even though the kids are on vacation, and that would include Friday, when she usually is off from work. Now, I happen to know that she has an appointment with a guy she met at her management course, so when I later found out that she was planning to also go out Friday night, I put two and two together and figured that she was going out with guy from course. All of this had been churning away in me, and yesterday it came to a head. After telling her that she has to stop being mean to me, I also said "I'm doing my absolute best!" Later, I said to her that she would have to arrange a babysitter if she went on Friday, because I want know part of enabling her to cheat on me and her family.

Now, can I just point out again that I KNOW this was the wrong thing to do, so feel free to scold if you like -- I know I deserve/need it -- but I would prefer advice.

So, I went upstairs and told W that I wasn't planning on dating, but now if she's going out with these dudes, I'm going to #%* everything I get my hands on and I'm going to be thinking about you while I do it... (Ouch). I also wondered to her what her company would think about a unit manager having an EA with one of her subordinates (she's stated her concerns about this to me before and made me swear not to talk to anybody about it -- and since I still have no idea/desire to know the real story, I don't have anything to say about it one way or the other.

At any rate, I apologized to her about the harsh words and assured her I had no interest in causing her to lose her job. It's just that one of our major problems is that, often when we try to talk about things, W shuts down. So, she says I can say mean things, but how am I supposed to know that she's even hearing anything I say if she NEVER responds?

I'm just kicking myself for saying such mean things out of hurt and frustration and I know it's a huge setback. My W remarkably actually came and sat down next to me and admitted that she wasn't planning on going out with a guy. I also talked to her about how much work it is to be home with the kids all day and then all evening when she goes out, but that I understood how hard she works. It's so strange (and unhealthy) and yet also a pattern in our relationship: we have a disagreement, she wants to talk about it and yells over me and gets angry, I walk away, W badgers, I say something outrageous and W walks away, and finally we reconcile. I KNOW this is something we would need to work on, and I hope we do have a chance to work on this issue. There were amazing, incredible times in our M and I would love to get that back and even make that the norm. I know now that winning back my hard-earned DBing progress and moving forward with detaching and GALing is the best hope I have to fix things.

So sorry about this.....