Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks for all the good thoughts today! It meant the world to me to come on here tonight and read all the encouraging posts! Thank you!!

Tallula- We recently got a kitten & her name is Lulu, but often I think of you and I've called her "Tally-lulu" instead! Funny, huh?!

reb- My H is barely going to IC--he sees his once a month, which is basically not at all. I think he gets confirmation from IC that what he is doing is his path, no matter what others think. At least that's the vibe I get. So, probably more damaging than good.

Tori- Last weekend I played tennis, but my back has been messed up all week from it, so I'm trying to recover! Next Friday, I'm going to take a shot at VB in W.H. Again, something I haven't done in a while, so probably have no business doing, but.... gotta give it a go! ")
BTW- I think I got asked out from the guy in charge, but I really don't know...as this guy is like 65 yrs old!!! LOL!! Not what I was expecting!!!!!!!!!

bustin & ruby- lots of hugs to you both! Thanks for supporting me too!

[littleGTO]

I still don't know if I have the energy to relive this past week. I'll try to condense.

After the boys spent the night on Saturday last weekend, there was crankiness and tears related to not enough sleep, missing their dad, and angry at dad for not coming on Sunday afternoon.

I was at the end of my rope by Sunday night from trying to put out fires all day/evening. I don't know what got into me but I confronted H about why he didn't come, etc. But, I also asked if he was called OW (as last I knew he was only texting her & he said he would let me know if there were any changes in the sitch).

He said, "yes, but I didn't feel the need to let you know. I assumed you knew, and I'm not doing anything I wasn't doing before. (Before he moved out he was calling her every day.)"

He also said, "And, you seem to be moving on by going out and meeting new people." Totally an accusation as if I was out to meet new men!

I defended myself (yes, I know I should not have reacted this way) and said, "yes, I am going out but to do new things or old things I haven't done in a long time & to COPE, not to meet new guys. While I have strong feelings for you, I will not be in a place to start a new R, so it may be a long time before that happens."

I was so angry at H, and I can't really explain the whole WHY of it, except that it is just the place I arrived at this week.

And, I didn't sleep AT ALL on Sunday night--just cried and cried and cried. So, when I went to work on Monday morning my face was puffed up like a Michelin woman & there were at least 10 people who asked if I was okay. Not a pretty sight!

When I got home on Monday afternoon H was there & as soon as I walked in the door he came over and gave me a sympathy hug. I was so exhausted and emotionally drained that I just cried and hugged him back for at least 10 minutes. I needed that & I didn't care that I was allowing the very person who hurt me try to make me feel better.

I finally understand why people who are abused can still love their abuser (not that H has EVER P abused me! just emotionally).

[littleGTO]

Story goes on. So, on Tuesday S9 & S11 had C apptmt. I always talk to her for 5 min or so to fill her in on my perspective of how the boys are doing. So, I told her about the rocky day Sun.

She called my H in and S9 to "talk it out" about how H shouldn't say he "might" come over so that boys don't have disappointment when he doesn't.

This led to me going in w H (no kids) and she said maybe it was time to set up a predictable visitation schedule. (Which until this past weekend we have---H comes after school very day & in the afternoons on weekends to the house).

So, H says, "I've been thinking about having the boys stay over every Sat night." ---which he's NEVER mentioned to me! I went to about a 8 1/2 at that point and said I would not agree to that and that he hadn't mentioned it to me. He said, "I thought I had." "No!"

C says to me "Well, if you went the legal route (we haven't even mentioned the word LEGAL or DIVORCE in ANY conversation we've had), he would be entitled to them one night each weekend or every other weekend."

Now, I KNOW this, but H hasn't really had any interest in having them over yet. AND, I have had it my way to have them here at home with me ALWAYS. Now, I know things will change gradually, but it ANGERED me that this IC got involved! She is my boys IC, not a marital C, not my C, not my H's C. She definitely overstepped her boundaries and made things worse!

And, then she turned to my H and asked, "Don't you think things have been in limbo long enough? Where are you with everything?"

He started responding with the same crap I've heard about 1/2 dozen times now, "Well, I have had these feelings for over a year now...blah, blah, blah..."

I went to a 10 at that point!! I stood up and said, "I don't want to hear this again! I've heard this & can NOT hear it again!" Then I got up & walked out of her office & out the door still escalated.

My boys saw me crying and upset and it shook them up. For that I felt badly.

MY H didn't follow me out the door but I had to get the keys to his truck to get boys things out so I knocked on the C's door about 5 minutes later and somehow got beckoned back in. In that time she asked about her role in all this, to which we both agreed that we did not want her to help us co-parents as we BOTH felt that we had been working things out fairly well overall.

H & I talked in parking lot for about 15 min after. I cried & he felt bad. He asked me (again) "what do you want me to do?" To which I replied, "I don't know. When all this started I wanted you to turn away from OW and try to work on our M, but now I don't know any more."

He also told me "I am happy talking to her." That was a dagger to me.

It still baffles me WHY they haven't moved into a PA! I think then I could just be completely done. I even said to my SIL on Sunday night, "I just want it to be over!"

But the kicker is that I want HIM to put the lid on it, not me. I don't want a D. I don't want our family to be broken. But, this week was the first time I really felt "done"...like I think it might be better if he just asked for a D.

So, I've been sad I this angry, "done" place I'm at.

I've realized though that I just need to step back. Detach. Breathe. Hit some pillows with a wiffle bat. And, breathe more. And let myself cry alone. And find comfort in friends/family I trust. And you all here.

I guess it's just been too hard to admit where I've arrived, so that's why I took a break from here this week. I'm back and need you all more than ever!

Thanks for listening to this long post!

[Pathfinder2]

GTO,

I want to punch your counselor in the mouth!

[Pathfinder2]

Correction: Your boys' counselor!

[littleGTO]

Agreed! I don't even want THEM to go back to her!

[newman7977]

Hi GTO,

I just caught your sitch. I feel for you, it seem like we're in the same time line on how we're feeling. I feel the same, feels done but I don't want me to be the one to end it. I feel it would be easy if my W would end us. Another reason is that I don't want my kids to think I abandon them.

I wish I could say something helpful but I'm also in the same mess. Hang in there GTO.

Newman

[labug]

Where did the kid's C cross the line?

If you had it to do over again would you stay and listen to his response to someone who is not you? Was getting mad and walking out more of the same for you?

Why did you have such a strong reaction to questions in a safe setting?

I commend you for having a C for your kids. Often they have the most to lose and have no one who is not emotionally involved in the sitch with whom to share. I hope you continue to provide that for them.

[needgrace]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GTO))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

it sounds like H asking for saturday nights triggered a lot of difficult and painful feelings for you. i think that is where we can find a lot of growth, in going underneath our anger and pain and trying to understand it more fully. what else came up for you in that session?

[labug]

GTO, the questions I asked you are all similar to questions that I ask myself when I have huge reactions to things, when my fight or flight kicks in. I had an issue last weekend that I handled poorly because of my anger and hurt.

Figuring out what you're feeling and why can be helpful in deciding what you need to do or not do.