Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Story goes on. So, on Tuesday S9 & S11 had C apptmt. I always talk to her for 5 min or so to fill her in on my perspective of how the boys are doing. So, I told her about the rocky day Sun.

She called my H in and S9 to "talk it out" about how H shouldn't say he "might" come over so that boys don't have disappointment when he doesn't.

This led to me going in w H (no kids) and she said maybe it was time to set up a predictable visitation schedule. (Which until this past weekend we have---H comes after school very day & in the afternoons on weekends to the house).

So, H says, "I've been thinking about having the boys stay over every Sat night." ---which he's NEVER mentioned to me! I went to about a 8 1/2 at that point and said I would not agree to that and that he hadn't mentioned it to me. He said, "I thought I had." "No!"

C says to me "Well, if you went the legal route (we haven't even mentioned the word LEGAL or DIVORCE in ANY conversation we've had), he would be entitled to them one night each weekend or every other weekend."

Now, I KNOW this, but H hasn't really had any interest in having them over yet. AND, I have had it my way to have them here at home with me ALWAYS. Now, I know things will change gradually, but it ANGERED me that this IC got involved! She is my boys IC, not a marital C, not my C, not my H's C. She definitely overstepped her boundaries and made things worse!

And, then she turned to my H and asked, "Don't you think things have been in limbo long enough? Where are you with everything?"

He started responding with the same crap I've heard about 1/2 dozen times now, "Well, I have had these feelings for over a year now...blah, blah, blah..."

I went to a 10 at that point!! I stood up and said, "I don't want to hear this again! I've heard this & can NOT hear it again!" Then I got up & walked out of her office & out the door still escalated.

My boys saw me crying and upset and it shook them up. For that I felt badly.

MY H didn't follow me out the door but I had to get the keys to his truck to get boys things out so I knocked on the C's door about 5 minutes later and somehow got beckoned back in. In that time she asked about her role in all this, to which we both agreed that we did not want her to help us co-parents as we BOTH felt that we had been working things out fairly well overall.

H & I talked in parking lot for about 15 min after. I cried & he felt bad. He asked me (again) "what do you want me to do?" To which I replied, "I don't know. When all this started I wanted you to turn away from OW and try to work on our M, but now I don't know any more."

He also told me "I am happy talking to her." That was a dagger to me.

It still baffles me WHY they haven't moved into a PA! I think then I could just be completely done. I even said to my SIL on Sunday night, "I just want it to be over!"

But the kicker is that I want HIM to put the lid on it, not me. I don't want a D. I don't want our family to be broken. But, this week was the first time I really felt "done"...like I think it might be better if he just asked for a D.

So, I've been sad I this angry, "done" place I'm at.

I've realized though that I just need to step back. Detach. Breathe. Hit some pillows with a wiffle bat. And, breathe more. And let myself cry alone. And find comfort in friends/family I trust. And you all here.

I guess it's just been too hard to admit where I've arrived, so that's why I took a break from here this week. I'm back and need you all more than ever!

Thanks for listening to this long post!