When I said I was looking forward to tomorrow, I was referring to the recon mission to the boating center. I found out about her IC later. She has never said anything about it to me. It was on the calendar that she shares with me. I am not going. She has scheduled this for herself.
I agree with you about the IC. Part of me is glad she is going to talk to SOMEONE, however, I am somewhat concerned that she will become convinced that there is nothing she can do to get her feelings of love back. I do understand that she may be using this as just another checklist item to help convince herself that it is time to walk.
This counselor uses emotionally focused therapy, family systems theory, solution-focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness training and comm skills.
All I can do is work on me and hope and pray for the best for her.
I've decided I'm moving back into our MB. I'll tell her that today.
I'm also beginning to feel better about being on my own. I have moments when I think about us moving on and I don't like them, so I decide to think on something else.
Continuing "act as if". Wife came downstairs this morning and said, "you seem pretty happy!" I am. Even with all this crap, I have a GOOD life!
Just got back from the sailing center. Open house with a free sailing outing happens on April 27 and 28. I've already decided to sign up, but they offer discounts that day, so I'm waiting til then. Looking forward to it. It will be a great way to celebrate Spring!
She asked me if I knew what she wanted. I replied that she wanted quality time. Time spent together enjoying life. She told me she wants to do things like go to Africa, swim with great white sharks, go on Safari. Big experiences. She then sent me a link to a Youtube vid of Ken Block on a Gymkhana course in France. She says, "I want to do this"!!!!!
Based on this, I would guess something of a midlife crisis is going on too. She's unhappy with her life, unfulfilled and it seems she wants adventure/excitement in her life? She's at the right age.
SA, I'm thinking she's DEFINITELY in MLC. I just want to make sure I don't use that as an excuse for me not making changes. I need to remind myself that The stuff she has said about my behavior is true.
She's always been an adventure seeker. One year we went skydiving for her birthday. She wouldn't accept tandem. Insisted on advanced free fall. She loves speed and risk. I like stuff like that, too. However, I hope she doesn't get carried away with all of this.
Everything I see points to MLC. Guess I'm gonna be riding in a gymkhana course of my own. Better buckle up!
So, 25, if I understand correctly, you think that MC is the wrong way to go? It's ironic because I just mentioned to our MC last week that I thought it wasn't working in our case since all it seems to do is validate her feelings of wanting to get out, while relieving her of the guilt of what it will mean to break up her... OUR...family and start over again. I think MCs are best at making things as smooth as possible for separating/divorcing and NOT at finding a solution to very workable problems.
I've also been seeing quite a bit about detaching on this forum, but I can't seem to locate a dedicated thread about tips and hints for detaching. Perhaps it's just implied in the whole DB concept, but I can't recall seeing it all laid out as a process to be followed.
25, I've seen a number of your posts, and I gather from your signature that you successfully busted your D. You sound like a very intelligent, capable person (buttering, buttering) so maybe you could take a look at my thread and give me any feedback you might have? . (Or is actively soliciting advice from other forum members frowned uppn? If so, my apologies as a newbie to this BB and a disheartened man fighting an uphill battle.)
Keep a PMA everybody. It's always darkest before the dawn.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
SA, I'm thinking she's DEFINITELY in MLC. I just want to make sure I don't use that as an excuse for me not making changes. I need to remind myself that The stuff she has said about my behavior is true.
Great insight here...Hold onto this^^^
She's always been an adventure seeker. One year we went skydiving for her birthday. She wouldn't accept tandem. Insisted on advanced free fall. She loves speed and risk. I like stuff like that, too. However, I hope she doesn't get carried away with all of this. Been there, done that...STILL loving it...and I've lived!
Everything I see points to MLC. Guess I'm gonna be riding in a gymkhana course of my own. Better buckle up!
MLC is an ingredient in the crisis. I'm not a fan of just labelling it that way.
(Way too many LBSers hold onto that label to deflect from their role in things or to avoid the pain of the regret they'll feel if they "own" their stuff in full. Too bad b/c they miss out on the chance for serious growth and that's the only upside to this ordeal.)
First, I don't know if it makes any difference since YOUR course of action is the same whether she's a WAS or MLCer or a mix.
But as you said, As long as you do YOUR work, it'll be as good as it can be.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hear you. It's just an ingredient. And you're right. It makes no difference to me. My course stays the same. I just hope that some day she comes back to herself.
Spent pretty much the whole day with her today. It actually went pretty well. A few opportunities arose when during conversation, she would stab me for stuff from the past. It's like she wants to remind me of things just to make sure I don't forget what I did. I know it's just her expression of just how much she was hurt by me.
A couple of things I did differently today:
Last night, I moved back into our bedroom. Today I asked her what she thought about it. She didn't say anything. She just made some sort of sound kinda like hmmm. I didn't ask again. She didn't ask me to move back out. I'll take it as a good sign.
We spent a lot of time shopping today, and it was a perfect opportunity to live my new code. My new code says its not about me, it's about others. My wife included. I express my opinion when asked. I have no expectations. If others want something different, that's what I'm happy with.
Today, I made lots of physical contact with my wife. She never pulled away. I know that this is one of her languages of love. It was one thing she expressed to me verbally when we first started having problems. She told me that she still wanted hugs, kisses and physical touch from me. Things got worse and we both started feeling uncomfortable with it. Today, I turned it back on and I met no resistance. That was good.
I know that this is small. It may not mean anything. She may have wanted it, or she may have just been tolerating it. all i know is she didn't pull away. i expect now that she will probably do as the other WAS's have done and pull back.
As I write this, she is headed out with her friends again. It's 9pm. They will more than likely be out until the clubs close. I'm here at home with our two girls. I have a choice to make. Will I choose to obsess about my wife, or will I choose to hold my head high, believe in myself and what I am and have to offer someone as a mate and friend and father.
I like music. It's kind of soundtrack for life. Some music is happy, some sad, some is peaceful and some is downright angry.
Lots of times, when going through tough times, people will pull up music that either helps them express their anger or music that drives them deeper into their depression. There is no end to the number of songs you can find that are written to express the feelings of hurt and despair that people encounter during the throes of a relationship breakup. I REFUSE to listen to this kind of music!
I prefer music that offers hope, life, and encouragement. It may not change my circumstances, but it communicates to me the possibilities that lie in front of me. It reminds me that good can come from bad. That something can be made from the wreckage left behind.
One song I like to listen to is called "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. Pull up a Youtube video of it and listen to the words. It is my new theme song. I hope it will speak to you the way it speaks to me.
First, thanks for posting on my thread. I just got done reading all of your most recent thread.
I got excited about the prospects of your GAL- boating/ sailing. One of my all-time favorite summer GAL is boating (speed)- we own a motor-boat. So, I applaud this! Sailing sounds like a lot of fun too, & a great family activity you can shared for years!
I think it sounds like recent good baby steps for your sitch. Moving back into MB without any negative reactions; the physical contact without any pulling away; and your W's interest in your GAL (sailing).
I think it would be good since she's expressed an interest in adventure activities and in your recent pursuing of the whole sailing thing, if you kept the door open (without pushing) for her to do this with you. She might be resentful if you pursue this w/o her while she's doing what she's been doing for years (taking care of the kids solo) while you're out sailing & having a great time/adventure.
BTW the list of strategies your W's new IC listed are just that- a list. Hopefully the C will help her discover how to move forward & that she CAN find happiness in her life again with you and her family.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
