Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

I still don't know if I have the energy to relive this past week. I'll try to condense.

After the boys spent the night on Saturday last weekend, there was crankiness and tears related to not enough sleep, missing their dad, and angry at dad for not coming on Sunday afternoon.

I was at the end of my rope by Sunday night from trying to put out fires all day/evening. I don't know what got into me but I confronted H about why he didn't come, etc. But, I also asked if he was called OW (as last I knew he was only texting her & he said he would let me know if there were any changes in the sitch).

He said, "yes, but I didn't feel the need to let you know. I assumed you knew, and I'm not doing anything I wasn't doing before. (Before he moved out he was calling her every day.)"

He also said, "And, you seem to be moving on by going out and meeting new people." Totally an accusation as if I was out to meet new men!

I defended myself (yes, I know I should not have reacted this way) and said, "yes, I am going out but to do new things or old things I haven't done in a long time & to COPE, not to meet new guys. While I have strong feelings for you, I will not be in a place to start a new R, so it may be a long time before that happens."

I was so angry at H, and I can't really explain the whole WHY of it, except that it is just the place I arrived at this week.

And, I didn't sleep AT ALL on Sunday night--just cried and cried and cried. So, when I went to work on Monday morning my face was puffed up like a Michelin woman & there were at least 10 people who asked if I was okay. Not a pretty sight!

When I got home on Monday afternoon H was there & as soon as I walked in the door he came over and gave me a sympathy hug. I was so exhausted and emotionally drained that I just cried and hugged him back for at least 10 minutes. I needed that & I didn't care that I was allowing the very person who hurt me try to make me feel better.

I finally understand why people who are abused can still love their abuser (not that H has EVER P abused me! just emotionally).