Rereading what i wrote, I feel like I came off as an ungrateful bi-atch. Not what I was trying to relay. I guess I'm just tired and feel like I need my love tank filled a bit. Signing off for now
Looking at Alanon meetings this week. I'm not sure if H is an alcoholic, but alcohol is definitely causing a problem in our relationship. He doesn't drink every day, but when he goes out with friends, he has no shut off valve. And he drinks to numb his feelings. He's been reading a lot and associating with certain aspects of some celebrity alcohol stories (billy joe, Green Day article in Rolling Stone this month).
My father was/is a gambling addict, outside of a child abuser. Alcoholism is something I have never really had to deal with and feels like a foreign language to me. Addiction, I understand how it destroys families. We lost two houses, and the losses were taken out on my brother and I in different ways. If this is what I am dealing with, on top of everything else, I'm going to need a lot more support and education. I spoke with my IC at length today. I'm not jumping to any conclusions, but feel like I need to educate myself so I know what I'm dealing with here.
Just had to write this stuff down so I can try to make sense of it.
H is home for a week. Been having a good time while he has been here. Remembering how much fun he and I used to have together before the darkness fell over our R. Been transparent. I asked to see his phone today. First time I really have ever done that. He showed me without hesitation. I think he was taken a back that I asked, but he didn't balk at all. I can't explain how helpful it is to be able to ask without feeling guilty and to be instantly validated by not seeing anything to worry about.
I know it sounds lame and maybe not the approach I should take, but little things like this help me trust him again. Hoping to get to the point in the future where I can trust again with my whole heart. But now, his efforts to help us heal and grow do not go unnoticed.
Not lame at all! I totally get it. I understand the alcohol piece too. My h does the same. A lot of times if he's full of anxiety I know he will drink. But can't stop at two He has gotten much better though.
I don't blame you for wanting to check his phone. I do not trust xSO not to lie to me about the weather these days. No proof, just a gut feeling that I am at least not going to ignore this go-around.
The best part is that he handed the phone over without a fuss.
Thank you folks for your feedback. It means a lot to know I'm not alone in all of this craziness (though I'm sorry that we all find ourselves here).
Thanks Portia! I figured I'm moving through a new phase and and am no longer frozen in place. Even when I have moments where I wonder and question my future and where I want to be, I am grateful my H wants to work on our R.
H went back east yesterday, putting in his notice at his job and his apartment, he's been shipping items home, and buying his last plane ticket ever back to SoCal. We had dinner with his new boss and his wife at a fancy spot in Hollywood last weekend, part of the wooing and the interview process. It went very well and everyone is excited for this new job opportunity.
H went to IC with my C while he was home. And he is eager for us to continue with both IC and MC for us. We had some ups and downs while he was home. Mostly ups but some heavy and heated discussions thrown in there as well. Both of us are trying to catch ourselves before we start playing old tapes in these discussions. We don't always catch ourselves right away, but I will say...H used to always avoid the uncomfortable and stressful. In the past, he would leave and shut down when things got too much for him. He's really making a point to not do that and I have acknowledged my recognition and appreciation of that.
I'm both excited and nervous for the final move home. I know we still have quite a bit of road to travel. I want to hope we keep moving in a positive direction. Right now we both are committed to improving our R. Living together again full time after 2 years is going to bring its own set of stressors, on top of the breakdowns in our M over this past year.
Hoping to have a better handle on things over the next couple months after he's home. I have no idea if my sitch helps anyone at all, but will keep you posted in case it does. Thanks everyone.
H's new truck was just delivered here to the house and the moving company is packing up his stuff in his apartment next week. Ticket to move home is purchased and he will be flying home for good in 13 days.
The closer I get to his move home date (next week) the more anxious I get. Having moments where I am nervous about how this is going to be. I know...breathe, boundaries, communication, time. And I am embracing all of that. But still getting a bit nutted up thinking about life changes and what that's going to look like.
Anyone else have these moments of panic when living together again after going through everything?
Wow home next week. I can understand your mixed feelings. This is now for real. You are making some big changes precipated by a horrible circumstance.
I have no advice but the positive thing about how you are feeling is it shows you are aware of your feelings and will be more likely to watch them and control them. And able to explain to your H without shrieking.
