I think you do just fine. I also read the posts you wrote in newcomers, and want to say something... hoping it will help.
The folks you were addressing are tough ones, and not exactly in a place to start the work on themselves that is absolutely necessary to be happy in this mess.
I think you did a fine job up there, if it means anything. So keep on trying, because you're a great guy.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Happy belated birthday! Wanted to get that in before the next one rolls around...
Quote: She seems to be in a good mood most of the time but that's where it stops. Everytime we get some kind of progress, it's a small one. Then there is this plateau that stretches just a little too long. Then, just when I'm ready to throw in the towel she moves forward a little more...but not too much.
Baby steps...baby steps...at least you're moving forward in the right direction. Yes, it does take a lot of time and patience but, in the end, the rewards mighyt be greater than you ever imagined. Stay positive! Your sitch (despite the difficulties) is much better than the other ones we find around here, including mine...
Nice to hear from you chilly. Hope you're doing well.
How's it going? Thanks for stopping by. I'll be heading up to your neck of the woods about mid-June. I've never really been to St. Louis but maybe I'll get up there sometime in April or May to do some house hunting.
Well, chaulk up another weekend. The house went on the market Friday and had one couple show up Saturday...that was kind of fast. They seemed to like the house, but want to move by the end of April and I really don't want to pull out of here until after YS graduates so we'll have to wait and see what happens. Don't have an offer or anything yet.
YS got into a little trouble this weekend. Near as I can tell he was at the wrong place at the wrong time...but that doesn't really excuse it. He and the boys decided to stay at one of their houses while the parents weren't home. YS, true to form, fell asleep and a couple of the others got some beer, got drunk, and made enough noise that the police were called. Talk about stupid. YS and another friend were both racked out and I guess it was pretty obvious they were clueless when the cops came, and that they hadn't been drinking, so they weren't cited. The others got into trouble...YS just got in trouble at home. Sometimes stupidity is a crime.
We had a long talk that night and he'll be spending a little bonding time at home with dear ole Dad for a while. I've still got a lot of yard work and that attic needs to be cleaned out....
I was mad Saturday night and W is sticking up for YS saying that the cops said he didn't do anything wrong...we had an argument about that because she kept cutting me off just as my lecture was getting into high gear. Plus the house they were at was a friend of her's and the lady just got a divorce, her son's evidently had at least one other drinking violation recently, and she was no where to be found. I thought that was kind of irresponsible and said so. W didn't like that.
Things had settled down a little Sunday, then W started talking to me about it again. Told me she wasn't sure YS was telling us the whole story (REALLY???) and that maybe he should be grounded for a while (DUH???) and maybe he shouldn't hang out with those boys anymore. It was amazing, she acted like the conversation from the night before hadn't happened and these were all her ideas. I just nodded my head.
I'm kind of po'd about the whole thing, then I found out she stopped taking her medication...AGAIN. I couldn't even get mad about it. I just feel like giving up. The only bright spot is that she did make an appointment with her C again for today, and she still plans on going to that. I asked her how this is supposed to get better if she doesn't do anything about it.
Yesterday was interesting. The Realtor stopped by and said he wouldn't be surprised if we got an offer on the house from the people that looked at it on Saturday. That may pose a problem since I wasn't really anticipating selling so quickly.
Not that I mind, but W is adament about not moving until after YS graduates at the end of May. The Realtor knows this, but we figure we'll wait to see if we do get an offer before we have to worry about it.
I made tacos for dinner and W and I talked about her C appointment. She told me this is the first appt she's had since early Nov. C didn't know W had moved home and didn't know W had stopped taking medication. I didn't know it had been that long because she's been pretty evasive when I ask about it.
W told her that she had seen no improvement with the ADs so she stopped. I asked if she mentioned that both myself and D said we did notice a change? She said no.
She also said C was very direct and makes things sound so simple that it frustrates her. When W talked about moving this summer C said "Good, do you feel ready?". Then W said "But it will be hard to leave the kids" C said "I can see where that might be difficult. So don't go if you don't want to." (thanks a lot C!) W said she felt a little guilty about not being able to just come to a decision. I didn't know what to say to that.
She also told C that I had been putting too much pressure on her. Said that she really likes this extra work with the school, but I get upset when she works in the evening or on the weekend. C told her that it was my problem and she should do what she wants.
I've pretty much given up trying to convince W that it isn't just the working, it's the whole thing...the working the nights out, the shopping, the seperate bedrooms. Even when she is home, she says she doesn't want to do anything. She just thinks it's all about her working a couple of nights a week.
We got into another argument last night. Not a big one, but it ended the night on a bad note...again. I sent an email to apologize this morning and her reply was:
Quote: I understand I have lost your trust and it will take time to regain. If you feel like it is getting too hard, let me know and I will move out. Really I do understand. We are both working on getting past things and I think us talking about our feelings helps but it could get rougher before it gets better.
I'm still thinking about how to respond to that. As far as I'm concerned, her moving out makes the decision real easy. I won't do the seperate household thing again.
In the meantime, W emails me and says that C called her doctor and got her on new medication...Lexapro. I checked it out and it's supposedly works faster (1-2 weeks) and has less side-effects than some of the other SSRIs.
I downloaded a couple of articles off of the internet and sent them to W. Told her that maybe this one will help her more. Her reply to that email:
Quote: I hope this works soon. All I do is feel like crying!
I’m looking for ways to improve myself. This forum seems to have people from all sorts of backgrounds and personalities, so perhaps someone can provide some guidance. Forgive me if this isn't an appropriate venue for this conversation.
I know I’m slightly socially awkward. People have commented on it before. I’m not a stumbling fool, but I’m told I sometimes say inappropriate things. I’ve also been told that I’m not aware of how other people are feeling during a conversation.
I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I tend to hone in on just a couple select people that I’ve known since childhood.
I’m great at my job, but don’t have many “work friends.”
I’m sure some of this stems from a lot of bullying through grade-school and middle-school. But blah! I don’t want to blame the past… I want to change.
So…
How do I become a better conversationalist? How do I make and retain friends?
I may need a new social atmosphere soon if a D is in the future. So, I might as well start making changes for the better now. It'll help me no matter where life takes me.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I would work on your self-confidence. I was bullied a lot in grade school and middle school, too. I don't dwell on it like a lot of people, but I think it made me pretty awkward in high school and maybe college.
My biggest boon to self-confidence was going to the gym. I was always pretty pudgy and after six months at the gym, I was in the best shape of my life. That made me feel great. Then I started dressing better, and that's really all it took for me.
I'm sure others will be along to recommend some books. I see Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People recommended a lot, but never read it myself.
I would work on your self-confidence. I was bullied a lot in grade school and middle school, too. I don't dwell on it like a lot of people, but I think it made me pretty awkward in high school and maybe college.
My biggest boon to self-confidence was going to the gym. I was always pretty pudgy and after six months at the gym, I was in the best shape of my life. That made me feel great. Then I started dressing better, and that's really all it took for me.
I'm sure others will be along to recommend some books. I see Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People recommended a lot, but never read it myself.
Thanks! I've listened to most of the audio book of How to Win Friends..In the Digital Age. It's good stuff. Perhaps I need to give it another listen.
On another note, while thinking inward further, I realize that I've ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS placed the majority of my value on being in a relationship. I've never been happy on my own. This needs to change. But how?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
How do I become a better conversationalist? How do I make and retain friends?
Some people are gifted at this and for others it's a struggle. Personally I was lucky enough to be gifted in this area from a young age. Here's my secret- I LISTEN to people. I listen intently, as if what they're telling me is all I care about in this world. I make lots of eye contact, I nod, I ask questions about what they're telling me. I really hardly talk at all and here's the strange thing- people say I am GREAT at conversation. How can that be if I barely talk? Because people don't want to hear you blab on and on, they want you to listen to them and respond appropriately at what they're telling you (laugh at jokes, be sad about their losses, sympathize with their struggles, etc.)
Learn to listen properly and the rest will follow.
