TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

I hope you take this the right way, it's meant to be a constructive critique to help you understand what you did wrong and what you can do in the future to change that dynamic.

It's a big part of what I'm here for man. Thanks for answering.

You're also making it sound like it's a "you versus her" issue as far as visitation.

Yeah, that's basically what it's starting to feel like. It's definately not what I want though, and I want to do something about that.

You give good examples on validation and I see your point. I still struggle with the communication bit, and I tend to seek out what I view as "weaknesses" in her statements/arguments instead of validating and taking her feelings for what they are. You've given examples previously as well, I'll go back and read them. I need to reflect on my whole approach as far as communication goes.

-When I validate her feelings she asks me to stop the therapist-cr4p.

Probably because you're not doing genuine, honest validation. If what you typed here is what you consider validation then you're not going about it right to begin with, what you're doing is arguing with her and invalidating her feelings by telling her that either she is wrong or that she misunderstands your intentions. Remember, validation is not about reasoning/ explaining/ agreeing/ disagreeing. It is about acknowledging her feelings.

Her "therapist" respons was to me saying something like "I see how this is frustrating. You carried him inside you for 9 months, you took great care of him. The first year is hard, and I wasn't there when you needed me. You've done so much and I understand if you feel it's unfair for me to suddenly want so much time with him now that we've split up when it seemed I didn't before."

That just made her mad and she asked me to "please stop playing this therapist cr4p!!" Now maybe this ^^^ wasn't the best validation either, I know I have a long way to go, but every time I try to listen and ask about her feelings she tells me to stop playing therapist. Also this :

implying that you're the peacemaker while she's the troublemaker

probably creates a lot of frustration in her. I think a lot of what I do/say comes across that way(peacemaker/troublemaker)
She might think me showing interest in her feelings is another strategy or act and that's why she's challenging it. So maybe by really validating and being consistent she'll warm up.

So b/c I understand your feelings I'm acting like a therapist? Sorry, I don't see the validity in that.

See, just like this comment. You are bold enough to presume that you "understand" her feelings? I assure you, you don't. You may know (superficially) what her feelings are, but you've made no attempt to understand them based on what you posted.

True. What I meant was that we were both two parents who want as much time with S as possible, therefore I understand what that desire feels like. Her feelings however, I don't understand, and I struggle with creating trust with her. I guess some of the things she say is typical WAS spew, but it does seem she believes I'm putting up an act. It would be a nice turnaround to see her opening up a bit and see how she feels.

I could do the same for the rest of your responses, but hopefully this is enough for you to see the difference. You responded in anger/ bitterness/ frustration instead of loving kindness and understanding. Try to absorb this and put true validation into practice, it'll transform your interactions with W into a much more pleasant experience. It has done wonders for me and my W.

Yes, I see the difference. I welcome any advice to better practice validation. I'll admit it did provoke a whole lot of frustration in me. Before BD I started seeing where things were headed and I saw what I had done wrong and how much it would hurt to lose my family.
I started trying to turn things around. I took more time of from work. Had several meetings with management to find solutions. Laid out suggestions for how to better share economy. Took more care of S and suggested couple-activities. But as time showed it was too little too late, and didn't hold much credibility. So I did lose my family, and I knew why. So now I'm trying to be a good father. Putting a lot of effort in trying to make the best possible arrangements for me and S, and it hurts to see it be taken as an act.

We finally found a compromise and left on pretty good terms, but she was quite emotional.

If she was emotional then you did not leave on good terms. I don't see how you could have after reading that exchange. Lots of latent anger and bitterness there on both sides. You can't expect her to change her approach, so you need to change your approach. Practice good validation, and it will change her attitude.

English is not my native language so I usually re-read everything I write. I got that sentence a bit backwards, it should read "She was quite emotional during our conversation, but when I left we were on good terms." Good terms is probably a stretch, but at least she was smiling and laughing during the last part of the visit.

I understand this might seem like an act to her, even after 6 months, but it's simply not. I've changed.

I'm not so sure you've changed, at least not when it comes to arguing! Be careful about doing "more of the same" but putting a different name to it. Calling arguing "validation" doesn't magically transform it. It's still arguing and it's still "more of the same" behavior.

When I say changed I mean in regards to S. BD provided me with a serious wake up call in regards to my family/S. When it comes to arguing, that's a hard habit to shake. I've been looking for some kind of workshops which can help, but haven't had much luck. EE in the states is half a world away, but I read somewhere about EE in the UK, which is at least somewhat closer.