TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[AnotherStander]

I hope you take this the right way, it's meant to be a constructive critique to help you understand what you did wrong and what you can do in the future to change that dynamic.

Hoping someone with a bit more experience can throw some advice my way or share their experiences.

Personally I think you were arguing with her, not validating. I'll try and give some examples:

She went off stating that it was originally her weekend and if I was going to give her h3ll about it she would just never ask me to have S again, except the days I'm required by law. I said it was no need to start threatning and pointing fingers b/c there was nothing preventing us from finding a solution.

You're accusing her with words like "threatening" and "pointing fingers" and implying that you're the peacemaker while she's the troublemaker.

Validation: "You sound upset about this, I'm sorry it upset you, you just caught my by surprise. I of course want you to spend as much time with S as is reasonable, I think if we just talk about this we can work it out."

-I was never there for her and S and don't deserve more than what her goodwill allows. I should be the one to face the consequences.
I'm not arguing here. I know I failed at being the partner and father I should have been. I regret that deeply. I wish I could go back and do it differently, but I simply can't. I know I have to face the consequences for my actions, and they are mine to face. I hope however, this will not be your card to continiously run me over.

You're making it sound like you deserve a prison sentence or something! "Face the consequences"? Focus on being a better father in the future, not what your punishment should be for being a bad father in the past! And don't throw jabs like you did with that last sentence, accusing her of wronging you.

Validation: I hear that you are angry about this and feel I've let you and S down in the past, I understand and I am sorry for making you feel this way. I love S dearly and it is my goal to become the best possible father to him and as such I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I hope that you can help me achieve this goal."

-She's always working and doesn't see S much and I just doesn't understand that at all.
I do understand, maybe not to the extent you wan't me to, but I'm in the same position. We're two people who want the same thing, which makes it difficult for us to agree.I want you to see him, but I also miss him like mad every time he's gone.

"I do understand" is a direct invalidation of her comment that you don't understand. It's argumentative and it invalidates her feelings. You're also making it sound like it's a "you versus her" issue as far as visitation.

Validation- I hear you saying that I don't understand your position, I do want to understand, can you please expand on this to help me understand better where you're coming from?

-When I validate her feelings she asks me to stop the therapist-cr4p.

Probably because you're not doing genuine, honest validation. If what you typed here is what you consider validation then you're not going about it right to begin with, what you're doing is arguing with her and invalidating her feelings by telling her that either she is wrong or that she misunderstands your intentions. Remember, validation is not about reasoning/ explaining/ agreeing/ disagreeing. It is about acknowledging her feelings.

So b/c I understand your feelings I'm acting like a therapist? Sorry, I don't see the validity in that.

See, just like this comment. You are bold enough to presume that you "understand" her feelings? I assure you, you don't. You may know (superficially) what her feelings are, but you've made no attempt to understand them based on what you posted.

-She has been following my lead for 8,5 years and I still expect her to.
-I'm always making trouble or changing arrangements.
Simply not true, it happens yes. For both of us, but we should avoid pointing fingers and using "you always" statements. It does us no good and is only counterproductive.

Arguing. Invalidating. Confrontational. Instead you should say "It sounds like you're frustrated, is that correct? I can understand your frustration. I thought I was doing the right thing in trying to lead you, but I can see now that it was frustrating for you. I'm sorry you feel that way and I want to work to improve this in the future, hopefully we can make important decisions jointly. I will work to involve you in the decision-making process when these things come up."

I could do the same for the rest of your responses, but hopefully this is enough for you to see the difference. You responded in anger/ bitterness/ frustration instead of loving kindness and understanding. Try to absorb this and put true validation into practice, it'll transform your interactions with W into a much more pleasant experience. It has done wonders for me and my W.

We finally found a compromise and left on pretty good terms, but she was quite emotional.

If she was emotional then you did not leave on good terms. I don't see how you could have after reading that exchange. Lots of latent anger and bitterness there on both sides. You can't expect her to change her approach, so you need to change your approach. Practice good validation, and it will change her attitude.

I understand this might seem like an act to her, even after 6 months, but it's simply not. I've changed.

I'm not so sure you've changed, at least not when it comes to arguing! Be careful about doing "more of the same" but putting a different name to it. Calling arguing "validation" doesn't magically transform it. It's still arguing and it's still "more of the same" behavior.