M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Im on chapter 3... trying to write down my M goals.
Let me know if I am doing this correctly:
1) We wil divide/make time for family time/couple time 2) We will have more fun time together (dates, pool time, tv time, texting, vacations) 3) Count our blessings - Be more postive 4) I'd like to know he appreciates me & compliment me 5) I'd like to be moved back home by this May. 6) I'd like to have dinner on our anniversary April 10
Comments anyone?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'll be anxious to see what the vets say. I haven't really looked at any M goals since Jan in my sitch. All mine have to do with me now. So honestly, I can't really remember exactly how Michelle says to word the goals, but it seems to me that they aren't specific enough. Like I said, I'm rusty at the M goals.
Right off the bat, #5 & 6, not good. Your anniversary is only a bit away, it's not realistic to have that as a goal. Also moving back in, in a month? No.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Be more specific in your goals in terms of making them things that can be attainable short term. Then write out the actions you will do to attain them.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am not sure what is attainable? None of the above is attainable without H's participation. I followed Michelle's goal list too.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Maybe you haven't read far enough in. There is a section for small goals. Example from early in my sitch:
-H and I to interact and laugh I need to back off all R talks, be carefree, in the moment. Act "as if". Work on doing all 37 rules and 180s
-For us to hug Back off all physical tounching. Don't be needy
These are 2 things I remember being goals and the things I was going to work on to do my part in achieving them as far as my H went. The first one only took a week or so once I made interacting with me "safe". Meaning he knew I wasn't going to bring up the R. Even now, I never bring it up. If we talk about the future, it's him bringing it up and I don't say much about my feelings, just validate his. The hugs took maybe a month. I still let him hug me. What is funny is that he would hug me and come in for a kiss and I'd kiss him on the mouth and he would say he was going for my cheek. Now, it's the opposite. I move so he can kiss my cheek and he said he was going for the mouth. But, I have OW in my sitch.
-Don't react when H "pokes" to start a fight. Think before I speak, react less!!
-LISTEN Repeat what H says while he is talking. Don't think of what I want to say.
Hope this helps.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
"new thread.... cbtdad, waiting to hear from you again!!"
WFM, I responded to our question about timeframe on my thread Keep PMA!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
"I am not sure what is attainable? None of the above is attainable without H's participation. I followed Michelle's goal list too. frown"
Sigh. Again, there are many things you can do that are attainable, however you need to break them into smaller pieces. For example, make a goal to have coffee together within 2 weeks. The action to attain that would be to ask him to coffee. Simple.
You are looking too much at the "goal" which you're letting overwhelm you so much that it paralyzes you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
but MrBond.... as much as I would love to have a coffee with him, isn't that pursuit? I would love to pursue, but DR tells us not too. I'm confused.
One thing about my h, is that the distance/pursuit thing seems to make him go further away. Unless of course, its about business.
Tallula, I like your goals... they could be mine too. But, its been months now, that I have backed off and h still wont hug me. He keeps saying he wants us to get along, and we do now.
For us to have a better M, the pursuit really has to come from him. I want him to ask me for coffee, I want him to want to hug me, etc....
yes, I am paralyzed... scared to screw up again
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
