Life, continued (22+ months)

[adinva]

In ICU today we hit on a few points I wanted to journal. i was mostly coming at this trip from a feeling of discombobulation because I wasn't sure if he wanted me to be there I wasn't sure if I wanted to be there or if I should be there or if the kids needed me to be there and then the same for all the variables about what being there would look like. I didn't really think too much about how the kids would do being there because I felt it was necessary for them to spend some of spring break with their dad. I must say that the decision to not stay in the room with them was validated a few times - first was by the fact that the bathroom door wouldn't shut because they put in a pull-up bar in the doorway. I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad by the time i figured out how to get it off the doorway. the problem seem to be solved then but I didn't feel that welcome or comfortable. second was H did decide to take a shower after the day in the park while we were watching movies in the room and did dress in front of me and did hang around in his boxer shorts the rest of the time and it was uncomfortable for me and I was very glad to have my own space to go to.

There were things that I did not like very much about being with H that were illustrated on our trip and I discussed these with my counselor. Though I had decided to be very tolerant of differences in our ways of interacting with the kids so that our vacation would be nice and I wouldn't create conflict and we could just get along.

One was with S 12 when I first got there they had just gotten off the brand-new ride which has a surprise feature that s12 immediately wanted to tell me about and H reacted angrily with a look and a warning to get him to stop before he said something and then an attack after he did say it for having ruined the surprise. I saw that S looked a little glum about being scolded about that and it really doesn't bother me being told about the ride before riding it. My son knows me well enough to know I really don't care about things like that. i just gave him a hug and a smile and we got on the ride and we didn't say anything to H to challenge him. What occurred to me later is that through our whole relationship there was a pattern where H would want to control what I said and many times I got a look or an interruption or a kick under a table that caused a shame attack in me for somehow having said the wrong thing and I saw him doing it to my son. The Takeaway is to work with my son to build up his confidence so he learns to have faith in his judgment to say what he wants to say or else to be comfortable saying something that his dad would like to make him not say. It should even be okay to say the wrong thing and regret and learn from that.

That was little but it was just a reminder of the feeling of being disrespected or being not quite good enough that was just constant in our house until H moved out and I personally kind of like it better now.

The other was this goofing-around crotch grab that H does when the kids won't get out of bed when he tells them to. h calls that a "cup of coffee" as in "Oh yeah? You don't want to get out of bed? Well how about a cuppa coffee you want a cuppa coffee?" and he did it to s15 when it was time to get out of bed to go to the parks. that physical grabbing and joking really bothers me we have been round and round about it for years. I feel is inappropriate and disrespectful and H thinks I'm being overly sensitive and going to make pansies out of them. He doesn't see it my way that anybody else who did that to our kids would look like a molester and I've never been so strong in how I worded my objections to him. This time he upped the ante by adding a joke of that if s15 was smiling that meant he liked it and it would continue which really bothered me. when I was a kid I was molested in a tickling way and I never told anyone bc i was so embarassed, or got any help in dealing with it. i became completely enraged anytime anyone tried to tickle me after that and had to warn people I might accidentally break their nose if they tried. the feeling of being powerless to stop someone who is doing something bad is very great in me and what h was doing really brought those feelings back and so I decided to leave the room and wait for them downstairs and today discussing it in counseling I was completely ashamed of myself for choosing that instead of stopping h. However I have always been conflicted with h because I know what happened to me is not the same as what is happening to my son and my feelings about it are probably different than S15's and knowing that the situation is different I question the validity of my feelings and feel like I need to ignore them That's how we got 15 years down the road with this issue and that's how I felt it was okay to leave the room and wait for them downstairs. It was just H acting exactly like he's always acted and not doing anything at all out of the ordinary for him but I was hoping that us being separated and him not having seen his kids in months he would be on better behavior it's clear that his behavior is going to be exactly what it is . My counselors recommendation was to focus more on the kids side of things to encourage them and and empower them to speak up for themselves and so I did ask my son today if he had fun on the trip regardless of the sheer torture of a family trip when youre a teenager and he said yes so I asked him if he felt like dad Was being pretty respectful on the trip and he gave me a grunt in the affirmative so I said well I think it's time for the cuppa coffee idea to go and son snickered and I said no really I think it's kind of inappropriate and immature and you can tell dad to knock it off to which s15 said I don't care so I said well I just think it it's okay to ask for more respectful and mature behavior from dad.

He's got to learn no means no with his peers, and how is he going to learn that when no doesn't mean no to his own dad? He's got to learn that his body is his to control who's going to touch him and where and how can we be sure he knows that if he can't say that to dad? And I will hate to see him treat his own kids that way when he's a dad and know that it was because I let it happen when he was a kid.

So overall yes it was a good time and it was good for the kids to hang out with their dad but it did raise issues for me that have been the exact same issues for two years now since the bomb and part of our relationship problems leading up to the bomb. It just seems hopeless to have such a long list of things id like to correct h for and hold back to choose my battles, or try to see from his perspective, or try not to be controlling. Nakes me feel hopeless that im capable of having a positive relationship with him at all.