Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[whitneypinch]

BRNR,

Sorry for jumping into your thread but your feelings and views hit home with me 100%. It has been a tremendous help knowing someone else out there is going through what I am. I don't feel so alone and/or crazy.

As I mentioned I too am in exactly the same mindset and feelings as you are.

I don't think there is any magic answer to how to regain your family.
All we can do is be the best person and parent as we can. Sadly there is nothing more. Each one of us as different threshold's of pain etc. so we need to figure out the best way to interact with our Xs.

I am at the point where it's time for me to try to untangle myself a bit from my X. I stayed close to her thinking it would help. It didn't help at all as she is now openly with someone else.

My heart breaks hearing you speak of wanting your family back as I too feel the same way.

I have the extra burden of a near death experience;
I was trekking at the base of Mt. Everest when I became seriously ill. They called for a helicopter rescue of me at the end of the day. Due to weather I could not be rescued until the next morning.
I was so scared, alone and unable to make contact with my family. That moment forever changed who I am and the value I place on my family.
It's the same as what most people realize on their death bead..... "that they wished they had spent more time with their family".
So now I have that extra burden of wanting so badly to be with my family.

As I mentioned my XW has recently commented on how awesome of a father I am.
I am not sure if that feels good or bad to hear.

So BRNR, I hope my reply gets across that I understand what you are feeling a 100% and that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Hang in there, as tomorrow will be a better day.

[reachingHigher]

Oh girl, I hope snodderly comes along and gives you some of her wisdom and knowledge!

In the meantime...I can just say I totally understand. Every GF, every family member, everyone I would meet had the same message for me, "move on". And I tried to mentally but knew in my heart how much I loved my H and had the feeling that deep down he really loved me too.

I'm not totally out of this thing yet, but am following the plan here and am so glad I didn't push my H farther for D as was suggested to me by friends and family. I went along with the DB plan, including my DB coach.

My H went out with some friends last night, told me ahead of time the plan and with whom, called me as he was leaving, and said ILY as we hung up. He then texted me before nine and said he was back at his apartment etc. I know from on FB the rest of the crowd was going dancing but he didn't go.

And he's planning on being here tonight and this weekend as he is 5 nights a week now. We are moving slowly, I'm giving him plenty of space.

You know, B, he was pushing for a D the first of January this year. The papers are sitting in the office in town with me as petitioner and all he needs to do is sign them.

I don't know how to give you courage other tha this. Yes, not all marriages are saved but I needed to change too, regardless of if we stayed together. Painful, heck yes!

Try one day at a time, just get though today. Forever Young said "consult the plan, not the feelings." I try to do that a lot. I get down a lot too still.

Lift your chin up and know we all care and are here rooting for you!!

Lots and lots of hugs,
rH

[reachingHigher]

This quote has helped me many a day when I've been feeling weak and lost:

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

You can do this, BRNR, you really can!!!

[whitneypinch]

That is great advice.

I have found that sitting quietly sometimes bring out the answers.

[wishing, hoping]

If all else fails, just give him the finger when he's not looking. It's my go to, and it feels so good sometimes!

Hang in there!

Just saw this and I just want to say I do this all the time behind closed doors. It makes me feel better anyway. Just need to make sure the kids don't see it. : )

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Wishing may be able to share some info on the DivorceCare sessions. I believe she has been attending them.

Hi there

Yes I just attended my last Divorce care class of the session on Saturday. It is a Christian based program that helps people going through or who have been through a divorce heal and understand what is going on. It is very pro marriage. It doesn't offer tips for saving the marriage it gives advise on how to save yourself. I found it very helpful and inspirational and I made some good friends. Many of the people in my group have attended DivorceCare more than once. I fully intend to take it again next session.

There is a different chapter or topic every session for example finances, depression, anger, forgiveness (I was not ready for that topic), children, etc. I highly recommend it.

Let me know if you have any questions about it. I would be happy to answer them.

WH

[job]

BRNR,
I'm sorry that you are once again doubting yourself and the position that you are in at the moment. First, I want to ask you this...are your friends living your life for you? Your friends and family mean well, but until they walk a mile in your shoes and educate themselves on mlc, they will never understand what is happening in your situation. I would venture to say that if they were put in the exact same position that you are in right now, they would be doing the same thing...fighting for their marriages. I urge you to select one close friend and use that friend as a sounding board and do not discuss your situation w/others as this will make it very hard for h to return home, if you and your opt to reconcile at a later date.

Of course you are not over your h. That will take many many years to do so. Detaching doesn't happen over night and it's a very gradual tool. You've loved this man for many years and he is the father of your children.

If your h truly wanted to move on w/his life, he would have already filed for divorce and would not want to be in your presence. This man has not given any indication that he wants a divorce unless there are other things going on that you haven't posted on the board.

As I have always told others, sit quietly and the answers will come. God will reveal all to you when he is ready and not until. The more you push, the less likely you will find the answers. When in doubt, do absolutely nothing.

Live your life as if he's not coming back. Continue being he best person and mom you can be. If you want your h to participate in family functions, then ask him and leave it up to him to decide which ones he wants to participate in. Keep your expectations at zero in order not to be disappointed, hurt or angry when he doesn't do what you think he should be doing.

His journey is a long one and it didn't happen yesterday. It took years in the making and it will take some time for it to end. No one knows how they'll bake up and whether or not you will still be there at the end of the crisis. That is far, far down the road and we can't predict the outcome. However, you can take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest and at the end of the day, you can smile and know that you accomplished a lot in that particular day.

So, put on your big girl panties and your high heels and continue walking the path and do not allow anyone to sway you from your course. Only you know what kind of relationship you had w/your h and only you will know if it is worth fighting for. Bottom line, you are the only one that can make the decision to when you've had enough. From what I've read this morning...you aren't ready to call it quits...but that's my personal observation.

[BRNR]

First, I want to ask you this...are your friends living your life for you?

No they are not, and while everyone has their opinion, I just tell them "if it were you, you don't know what you would be doing." I know in my case and what I have re-read in my journals and threads, I want to fight for my marriage...I don't feel as if I am done yet, and honestly, I have asked myself that question too. When am I done? Answer. When I am officially divorced. Then and only then can I be in true acceptance that things are over.

If your h truly wanted to move on w/his life, he would have already filed for divorce and would not want to be in your presence. This man has not given any indication that he wants a divorce unless there are other things going on that you haven't posted on the board.

Snodderly, I post true and accurate to the events that happen, which isn't much. The only inclination I have of him truly wanting to move on is from his last email from this past Tuesday, which I posted on this thread verbatim. But even then, his email was cryptic and didn't really say either way "how" he wanted to move forward. And I whole heartedly agree. He can file for divorce at anytime of his choosing, so why hasn't he. This I don't think I will ever be able to understand. Because the actions of him are living like a divorced man, I know, symptoms of MLC, but still hurts and is confusing for the heart.

BTW as a side note. I am thinking about sending the response to this email as you suggest, pretty much verbatim. I haven't done it yet though. I feel as I can't ignore the fact that he tried to open a door of communication. So I think an acknowlegement of it is necessary and true to the person I am. And goes along with something Portia said of keeping the bigger picture/goal in mind and treating H with the compassion I have for others, etc.

So, put on your big girl panties and your high heels and continue walking the path and do not allow anyone to sway you from your course. Only you know what kind of relationship you had w/your h and only you will know if it is worth fighting for. Bottom line, you are the only one that can make the decision to when you've had enough. From what I've read this morning...you aren't ready to call it quits...but that's my personal observation.

I urge you to select one close friend and use that friend as a sounding board and do not discuss your situation w/others as this will make it very hard for h to return home, if you and your opt to reconcile at a later date.

Unfortuneately, I tried to do this, but other problems came up when talking to the chosen few. While originally it was 3-4 people, (none of which my H would ever be around, or has ever), it is now down to one. Can't change the past on this one, but have learned...the hard way.

[job]

I'm going to share a little secret w/you. I have found that the words "moving on" that the mlcer uses when communicating w/us is all about moving on in their heads. If you ever notice, when they say those two words, they are right where they were the last time they said them. It's a mantra for them and they are not only trying to convince themselves, but us and everyone else that they are "moving on". They are little hamsters running on the treadmill. Yep, those little hamsters sure are moving on!

His last message to you was very much in mlc lingo and yes, it was cryptic, but most missives from the mlcer will be cryptic. Keep in mind that their brains are not functioning at full capacity, so they revert back to a child/teenager way of speaking.

Keep your expectations at zero and also remember, your man/child is not a mature man right now, but a teeny bopper!

I hope you and your children have a very Happy Easter.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi BR-

I was catching up on your sitch, and wanted to add a few things.

I see some similarities in our H's, except that mine is still at home (though often I wish he weren't!)

I agree w/Snodderly that if he wanted to be done with your R and "move on", he would have already. Nobody's stopping him.

I feel like until our H's figure themselves out, they can't begin to address our M. One definitely has to come before the other.

And the part about telling a close friend...

The one rule of Sandi's 37 rules I have questioned is the one that says we shouldn't seek help from family and friends.

I have two close friends that I confide in. One has no interaction with H, and the other is a mutual friend that he works with.

Initially, I didn't say anything to our mutual friend. In fact, I avoided her because I knew if I started talking, I would spill my guts about everything.

She approached me. I will never forget her words. She said, "I'm worried about H. And to be honest, I'm worried about you too."

She has been my faithful sounding board. She has to witness H and OW's antics at work. She and H have had it out about how rude he has been to her.

I guess my point is that while I definitely think we should be cautious about who we tell and limit the amount of people that know, I also think we should build a good support system for ourselves and take care of ourselves emotionally.

For me, it has been a tremendous help to know that I have people in my life that love me, care about me, and think about me in all of this. After all, I think we spend so much time focusing on our MLCer, it is very easy for us to get lost.

I think it's important to make sure we have people in our lives that will find us when this happens.

I'm right there with ya BR, putting on my big girl pants and high heels too