DBing, European style

[AnotherStander]

That's a good point, Stander. My major problem is that I live thousands of miles away from my family and almost all of my friends are also friends with my W. but, I think I will put an end to this.

Well you've got us and you can rest easy at night that we won't be talking to your W A lot of people do that, they pour everything out here and then act "as if" everything is fine with their friends and family. That is perfectly fine to do if you can't network with friends locally that don't know your W.

See? This is exactly my problem with CT. The therapist has us making up a plan for the sitch after the D and there's no real way for me to get out of it without canceling the appointment (which, as I mention in another post, I suggest to therapist that that's what I am considering doing).

Traditional MC is not really geared towards saving the M. It's geared towards validating the WAS and making S and D as smooth as possible. It's a terrible strategy and long overdue for being tossed in the bin, but there are still far too many C's out there that were trained up like this and are still practicing. Your best bet is to end MC as soon as possible.

I mean, if the W starts moving towards D, how do you put on the brakes?

By never bringing it up or talking about it. Many WAS's will discuss it a lot early on (and you're still early in your sitch) but will never pursue it. Unfortunately most MC forces D talks, so MC can have the nasty result of accelerating a D.

This is also another instance where the therapist was wrong, because she suggested taking a time out when discussions become to heated, but, you see, my W NEVER initiates a timeout. It's always me, and I know I feel that I'm doing it with the right intention. But I think your alternative is much more productive and healthy...

Time outs aren't always bad, but the centerpost of DB'ing is doing what works and not doing what doesn't work. It doesn't sound like the time outs are working, so give the listening/ validating a try for a few weeks or a month and see how it goes

A few weeks back, my wife asked me where I was going to be when I was getting ready to go out. I pointed out to her that I very rarely knew where she would be when she went out with work or with friends, and that I think it's unfair/unrealistic for me to keep her informed of my whereabouts.

Don't overthink/ overexplain! Next time just tell her "I'm going out for a while." If she asks where then tell her "the pub" or "running" or whatever it is. If she asks with who tell her "some friends". Offer up a minimal response every time, but don't withold info. Remember, DB'ing is representing that you DON'T CARE where she's going or what she's doing, and you DON'T NEED to explain yourself to her. Because you are living your life with or without her.

I work at home, and I am responsible for bringing the 4 kids to school/daycare and picking them up, as well as cooking dinner, and oh yeah! Running a one-man translation company. When W goes out with work or friends, this means that I have to get all four kids ready, bring the kids to school, take care of the twins all day (if it's my day at home with the twins), pick everybody up -- including friends if they have a playdate -- bringing one or both of the oldest kids to sports, making dinner, cleaning up, bringing them to bed, and then, oh yeah! Going back to work doing translations. It just bothers me that the W refuses to acknowledge that I have a great deal of responsibility at home.

Well first let me say that I really do admire your efforts, it sounds like you are a fantastic dad! You're probably right that your W doesn't appreciate what you're doing. She probably doesn't even realize how much work what you're doing is. And it's unreasonable of her to expect you to shoulder the entire load while she does whatever she wants. That said, you seriously need time away to GAL. I would suggest trying to get her to take over now and then so you can do your own thing.

I told her that I would have preferred not to be alone on Easter weekend

Needy/ clingy.

, but I thought maybe I would go out with friends.

Strong/ independent!

She then mentioned that she had plans for next Friday. Oh yeah? With whom?

Don't ask. Next time counter with "Oh good, because I'd like to make plans for Saturday. So how about I watch the kids while you go out Friday and then you do the same while I go out Saturday?"

I brought up the point of dating (idiot! idiot! idiot!) and told her that I didn't think I would feel right dating because I still believe in our marital vows and dating would only complicate things unnecessarily.

Pressure, pressure, pressure! Remember, you need to act as if you're going to live your life with or without her. Don't say things like this, it just makes you look clingy, like you'll wait around for her forever while she does whatever the heck she wants. Be mysterious. If she asks if you're dating then don't say "our marital vows are too important to me" because she doesn't give a rip about your vows. Just say "not right now". Make her wonder about you. "What did he mean? Is he thinking about dating? Might I lose him???"

I said to her, "Why are you so mean?!? I know I've made mistakes in the past, but why do you still feel so little compassion that you can be so mean to me?!?"

This isn't PMA and it isn't acting "as if" everything is fine. It's OK, just learn from the backslides and don't do them again!

Me? I take 2 steps forward, and then 2 MILES back!

LOL! Well at least you recognize the mistakes. Work on this, try to be VERY slow to respond and just don't ever initiate. Think before you talk. Think "what would 25, MrBond, Stander, etc. tell me right now about what I'm about to say?"