It's OK Spartan and cat04. I'm amazed myself. That's why she's a good woman and friend. I'd like to say "lover," but we need work on that first. One thing at a time.
Slow down there Tiger......
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
Holy cow! Tonight I just got a call from W. She first said that the home phone had died and that's why there was no communication for a week. They had to buy a new one. Then she asked if I had time to talk. I told her I'll listen while she talks. She called it quits with OM. She said I was right about her "wandering without direction" and she went for the closest male to give her what I haven't. She said that she's been mad at me for many years and she feels like I've let her down. I told her that I understand how she feels and don't blame her and I did not intend to hurt her, but I failed and want to learn from my failure either with or without her. She said she had gone out of town to a girlfriend's to just disconnect from things and have time to think(that would be the other week of non-communication).
I still see some things here...
I see that it was important for you to be "right" about what is "wrong" with her.
I still see you trying to talk your way out of this. You have to understand that your ACTIONS are what got you in, and talking won't get you out.
Imagine if you will, that you had made a mistake about something, and when you came clean about it, the person you were telling, gave you a smirk, with an " I told you so" look...
That is what I see when I read what you typed.
Oh, and that should clear up why one shouldn't "mindread" too...
It's never what one expects to be happening.....
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
I kept my cool and didn't get over-excited and simply used it as time to validate her feelings and apologize for all the specific things that has hurt her through the years. I told her I don't expect this phone call to fix things, but I needed to apologize. I also told her of what I shared with M1 about "looking in the window." She said I was on the right track with how she's felt. Also about the "stuff," she doesn't want it cause it represents the emotional neglect. M1, you were spot on with that. I told her that I apologize for putting possessions before her emotional needs.
One reason why I want you to continue to define what Love means to you...
Is that I'm not convinced that you truly understand how much damage has been done. And to apologize for this now, would only be touching the tip of the Iceberg.
I see an apology at this point, without fully understanding, as as a tool to get your way, so be careful there. So you read a book, and you feel bad, what is stopping you from falling back into poor behavior patterns ??
Yea, what you said was good, and you did finally understand the importance of validation, or at least you are starting to. Yet to say that you can fully apologize ?
Not just yet....
Maybe something like....
I can't begin to imagine the hurt that you have felt over the years, with me putting everything else ahead of you, and I do not want to assume your feelings. I would like to take some time, to hear you fully, and to take a look at my role in the hurt that I have caused before I say that I am sorry, or that I could ever understand what you feel. I am sorry , yet to the depths of that, I am unsure. And it would only make a mockery of your feelings, to assume that I know.
???
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
She's still moving into a smaller flat due to money (which will help her and me in the long run), and I said I was considering coming up in May. She asked if it would be possible to come up the same time as her move so I could help. I said I'd consider it. I ended the conversation with a "thank you for telling me this" and "it was good talking with you" and wished her a good night.
Me thinks, that you have some work to do first....
Keep listening to her, and open your ears more than your mouth
: )
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
I'm not out of the woods by a long shot!
That is true....
And I think that you are trying to skate your way through...
You have a LOT of unanswered questions up there ^^^^
Read through those posts again buddy, and start asking them, then see what you come up with.
