Well first of all, good news! I got my very own copy of 5LL from our chapel. So I can read it as many times as I need. I also haven't forgotten about the homework that M1 gave me. I need to think about the following things this weekend: -Figure out what love means to me (5LL will hopefully help me with that) -What is my def of a good M? -Career vs. R & family and why? -My ranking of W in priorities -How can I prevent from letting W down again? -My goals for change
I saw my IC today, it was her last day (they rotate in 3 mo cycles). I was so pleased to give her some better news. She said I've come a long way from when I first saw her in Feb. I also told her about this forum and she believes that I'm getting some real sage guidance. I believe it too. I'll miss her because she really helped me crack my shell in order to start taking care of me and (at that time) to realize that W may not be the one for me, and I need to be strong for my kids. She also gave the gift of continued fitness to me by giving me the Insanity workout set. I had just finished P90X (which was given to me by W on my B-day 3 years ago) and she said, "why don't you keep going with this?" I was blown away and now I'm starting my 2nd month of the workout and getting awesome results. So awesome that I'm considering going to the gym to workout after I complete Insanity. I had a bit of a self-esteem issue when going to the gym before, so I prefer to workout at home.
Anyways, my IC suggested for the first step forward from last night's phone call would be just to ask W if it would be OK to SKYPE with the kids so we can see one another. Everything else, just let her introduce thoughts or ideas as they come and just focus on the kids for now. Don't try to force any reconciliation just yet. I think it sounds like a good plan.
Cat04, You're correct in how W was thinking. In fact, when she BD'd she stated that she didn't want to be married. Not married to me. She was declaring that independence.
All of those needs that your long distance R met, I failed in. I realize that I will need to start from scratch on those and strive to do better. It was amazing that when I asked her if she felt all those things that M1 had pointed out to me, that she said, "yes." For the first time I realized how closed-minded I was without really intending to be.
She said she's been angry with me for YEARS! I couldn't imagine the strength she had to have and still has to be holding out this long. At this point I hope that my apologies last night have helped begin to reduce the anger she's felt because she's a wonderful person and doesn't deserve to feel that way all the time.
Cat04, I have NOT met my W's emotional needs. I've come to realize that. She hasn't been a part of my life as much as I should have made her a part. Yes, I have been biding my time and making plans that when this is enlistment is done, we could live happily ever after. Not a well thought out plan I'm realizing now.
Since she'll be moving in May to a smaller flat, I'm planning on making sure I'm up there so I can help, be there to have the opportunity to show a lot of action (do the little things I failed to do and express to her that I do cherish her) and maybe start the healing process.
I thank everyone who has chimed in and given their experience. This is helping me so much! I have only shared this sitch with a handful of confidants so this is a great outlet for me. I look forward to more.
